Despise h in many ways, yet still too scared to end it

[finalleap]

Have only been married 8 years and have recently found out he had an ow for about 3 of those. Usual stuff - pressures of dc, work, illness. He has been a good sahp but I have worked myself to exhaustion and he just doesn't get it and minimises his betrayal and the sacrifices I have made.

For the last couple of months since I have found out about the ow we have been toing and froing between him leaving and staying. Initially he said he wanted to use it as a catalyst to improve our dying marriage, then he said he couldn't give up contact with her but would stay for the dc, then he said he would give up contact, then I found out he'd arranged a date for that weekend, then he said we needed 6 months apart for us both to have 'space' and that he would probably be back after that.

In many ways that made sense (maybe not the last bit), yet I could not let go. I am the sole earner, so can afford the mortgage, but, having looked into tax credits for before and after school care, I will still be short each month. I just cannot face moving again, especially alone, and, though he swears he will get a job whether he stays or goes and if NRP pay towards childcare, he hasn't had a 'normal' job in the 10 yrs I've known him, so I don't feel I can rely on it. This is where my despising him comes in. I knew what he was like when I met him, and he has been a good sahp and earned money, just not in traditional ways, so it's not fair if I despise him. But today he was faffing around choosing music to listen to while doing diy, and I just thought 'Oh fuck off or just get on with it!!" Then I'm snappy, then he snaps back, and so on. Then I think, 'hang on, you had a fucking affair!!' Then he reminds me the marriage was crap before that, I have always been irritable etc, and so it goes on...

I feel so worn out by it all. He has spent the last few days doing diy that has been outstanding for ages (slowly and probably shoddily) and snapping at me, staring into space and being uncommunicative in the evenings and tonight has gone out after a row during dc's bedtime without saying goodbye properly. I am well aware he could be with her, but not sure I really care whether he is or not. If he's not now, he will be another time, right? He has atm agreed to 'give our marriage 6 months' and will see her shortly for 'closure' but that hasn't happened yet, and he won't say when it will.

I feel like I should just ask him to leave (don't think he'd argue!) but am so angry and scared about the loss of a family for the dc (he has been a good sahp) and really scared about the financial implications. If he would just give the impression that he really cared, appreciated how hurt I am, that it's not all my fault...but he's not . I have my career, but no real friends outside that and I am scared of being alone. I wish this wasn't happening.

I am sorry you're in this position and I hate to say this, but isn't it likely he will get the kids if he's the SAHP, with you paying maintenance and getting visiting rights? I am far from an expert of course but you seem so certain that DC would be with you that I felt I needed to say something.

Suggest you get legal advice because you're making a lot of assumptions and I think you'd benefit from a professional opinion. How old are the children?

He swears he wouldn't take the children from me. I got legal advice when he moved out for a few days and was told the expectation now is that couples sort out access themselves with mediation - no one 'gets' the children as such any more (unless abuse etc involved, presumably). H wants to do as much of the childcare as possible, depending on whatever job he gets, and overall just see them as much as he can. My only concern regarding that is if he goes it is likely to be to a crummy place, at least initially, meaning that access would have to take place here, which is hard for me to cope with.

Solicitor said that he would be unlikely to get any maintenance from me, at least long-term as court would expect him to work. In any case, he swears he wouldn't want a penny. Solicitor also said house would be considered family home and any pay-out to him form sale of house deferred until dc are 18. I couldn't afford any pay-out without selling house. He, again, swears he would not allow house to be sold just to give him some money.

Sorry, dc are 5 & 7.

Sometimes you have to stop looking at the water, wondering if it's cold, and just get in and swim.... He's been chronically unfaithful, you can't believe a word he says and nothing will change until you actually have the courage of your convictions and make it happen.

I know you're scared but I don't think you have a choice. Generally things re never as bad as they seem xx you'll be alright.

If hes talking about a 6 month separation, why not go for that - he gets a job and you sort out childcare with the children living with you and having contact wherever he's living (if he's working he should be able to afford a 1 bedroom rental, DCs bunk up in his bed & he sleeps on air bed). Then it's all in place should you decide the marriage is over (it's not just up to him, remember, though it sounds like he thinks it is) .

Did you post before about your H's affair? I feel like I remember you.

Do get some advice. The situation sounds irreparable and it will be taking a toll on the kids, they always know when things are wrong.

It might be easier than you think to separate, and you need it, I think.

A rock and a hard place situation, but to be honest the other posts have given you good pointers. Here is Something for the future to think about. You can have a lodger living with you and charge them over £ 4000 a year without paying tax. This might ease your finances. Sorry if you know this already as I don't want to sound patronising. It might be too complex at the moment to consider, but the rules governing landlords in their own home are different from those of an absent landlord. You will be able to have total control and take a tenant on a trial basis initially. A lodger could not be worse than your DH and they would pay you.

A lodger does sound interesting but not sure about sharing my house with someone. I suppose it's the same with anyone who contemplates this, but I lived with a resident landlord when I was young and he was seedy and sad. We have an amazing attic space that I did think would suit an au pair, but needs a biggish outlay to make in liveable (cosmetic - but previous owners gave teenage son the run of it, so it's not too pretty atm). Also, don't think au pairs would want to live where I am as it's quiet and I'd only need them before and after school. Just feel so defeated by everything.

My job often requires me to be fairly flexible about start and finish times, so I don't know about the before and after school clubs being doable, even if they were affordable (why are they so bloody expensive, btw?)

Sorry to sound so negative. Just feels like we are stuck together. I am on a very respectable salary and our mortgage isn't a silly one (though we do have some credit cards to pay off), but it seems like financially we are bollocksed.

Also, h has just had a phone-call to say his dad is back in hospital, so he's now off to another city for a few days. FFs, it's all just impossible. Sorry - moan, moan...

Have you considered dropping your hours so that you get more tax credits? Sometimes they can be more than your full salary. Sometimes needs must.

Surely you wouldn't need aftersvhool club all week if dh is helping? Also you could get childcare voucher. Saving 1000 pa from your tax bill

I'm sorry finalleap your situation sounds bloody awful. That's no way to live. He's dicking you about, lying, making you feel totally insecure. You're scared of how to manage if you separate, but nothing could be worse than this. And in the end, after you've been ground down, he still might leave anyway.
Do this on your terms, get as much info as possible on the practicalities, and plan a split in a way and a time that suits you.
Sharing your house with an au pair/lodger can't possibly be any worse than sharing with someone with so little respect for you.
You sound really capable - the fact that you're still standing after this last 3 years makes me think that if you didn't have toput up with his nonsense, you'd be glorious.
And don't listen to any bollocks from him about the affair being anyone's fault but his own. When you've been unhappy in your marriage your response hasn't been to shag someone else, FFS. Nor spin it into a positive catalyst when found out.