Teenage DDs - how to handle rudeness

[hollyhobbie123]

Okay, so I'm a single mom to two DDs 18 and 19. Both at home and the three of us are very close, and get on well 95% of the time, which I'm very grateful for.

The other 5% they are so cutting and so hurtful to me it literally takes my breath away. More often than not it's when they have done or said something that I perceive as rude or disrespectful. I try to ignore it but sometimes I feel I have to say something or they will walk all over me. When I do say something, it quickly escalates to them being so hurtful and critical of me I usually end up crying, which they are very scornful of. They then proceed to tell me how badly I handled it and what I should have said or done. So I sniffle away for a while feeling sorry for myself, and things return to normal sooner or later.

I'd like to know what others think - should I just ignore what they say because when I pick up on it things get worse, and I feel terrible. Or am I right in telling them when I think they overstep the mark?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Take care holly, I'm so glad you posted this, I've been in denial for a long time.

Going to get to bed now so catch up with you tomorrow.

If it's ok for them to do stuff when they want, they will of course understand totally if you don't want to cook a meal/get food in - right?

He's so hard-faced, he would never show it so he has no need to be 'nice' to get things in return.

What I mean is, I don't do washing cooking etc etc but so what (in his eyes)?

We'll get there Jean I feel better already.

Sweet dreams x

Ok so how about

"Look, this really isn't working out for me. You're an adult, you only pay me £30 a week, yet you speak to me like a servant. You're far too rude for thirty quid to make up for. I think you need to move out. Have a look around for some other places to live. Get back to me by the end of the week with what you've found. Oh, don't worry, I won't leave you in the lurch - I'll help you shift your stuff. OK - so, end of this week, come to me with a list of places and I'll help you decide. OK?"

"But but but . . ."

"Sorry, just not working for me. I'm not prepared to be reduced to tears in my own home."

"But but but . . ."

"Sorry, too little too late. It's not as if you didn't notice you'd made me cry."

Serious grovelling and promises to be nice that you actually believe.

"Um, ok for the time being but I think the rent needs to go up"

I'd put the rent up. Tell them that you're willing to do everything in the house...providing they pay upfront for the pleasure

What are housekeeper rates per hour? £10/£15? Tell them that will include all housework, all laundry and all cooking. Then calculate how many hours every week you spend picking up after them and send 'em the bill. Explain to them that they either pay up or get out. I wouldn't mind so much playing at maid if I got paid to do it. I'm betting they'd rather pull their weight and lend a hand than fork over potentially a lot of money, especially if they're students.

As for the rudeness. Buy some new locks for your doors, plop them down in front of the girls the next time they're rude and tell them that if they cannot treat you with respect, they may just return home one day to find their keys no longer work and their belongings are in the front garden. And make sure they know you mean it - make sure they realise you really have had enough.

Balloon that script is great. I know they think at £30 I'm getting the better end of the deal. You're so right about being reduced to tears in my own home, that I work very long hours to pay for.

And Vino, having just done a very rough calculation I'm nowhere near the minimum wage - either rent goes up or my output goes down. Thank you.

Thanks for this thread holly. My daughter is nearly 18 and is hopefully off to Uni this year. I love her very much but at the same time I am elated that she is going to get a flat and her dad is helping her etc. There's a little bit of me that feels good luck with that and just maybe she'll realise that housework is dull when you're the only person doing it. Or maybe worse, she'll be the flatmate from hell and will come home.

....Stop whining, I'll do it when I want'.....????

Goodness, that made me so angry with them that I wanted to come over and kick their asses personally. I'll revisit this thread when I feel calmer.

I have had 18 and 19 year olds living with me and there is no way I could have chucked them out. I was their Mother and I loved them. What you have done is probably overcompensated them in their lives, for 'whatever' I trained teachers and I used to say ' don't be too friendly, you are not their friend. You have probably been too nice, too caring during their formative years. If this is the case then it is too late to suddenly change. If you announce, now that you are stopping cooking, stopping being their lovely amenable Mum and turn into a rent demanding harridan, you run the risk of losing them. It's obvious you love them. When they are being nice, sit them down and tell them calmly how you feel. Try not to cry and stick to the '1' word as in I feel etc. Not, You are a couple of SELFISh B ... Etc. Devise some rules that you feel comfortable with and explain to them what is going to happen and ask them if they feel it is acceptable for them as grown women to be waited on? You need their agreement tactically. Then stick to letting them get on with it. No ironing for them, no jumping up and stopping what you are doing etc, to see to their needs. It hasn't made them love you any better has it? I know that scene as I had 5 kids. They change again when they are about 25 and again when they have children of their own. Don't worry as you are not alone. DC do not love us like we love them

hollyhobbie - what are you 'doing' for your £30 a week?

There's much to what you say, holeinmyheart, but I think there's a big difference between behaviour which is just plain thoughtless and what they seem to be exhibiting which is downright cruelty. That is wholly unacceptable.

holly

Is their father anywhere on the scene for them? Do they ever mention him?

Cozie, I didn't say their behaviour was acceptable. It is clearly not. What I said was how I thought it had come about. You may think 18/19 year olds think like adults but in my experience they don't. If for instance you don't control your children ( I mean by setting boundaries, not beating the daylight out of them) when they are young, when they get bigger than you , it will be too late. I think this post has been too soft with her children. Not deliberately , but for various reasons as she may feel guilty about her divorce, and she is on her own, etc. It is such a temptation to think that if you let small children have their own way, they will love you more. In actuality it leads to disrespect. Children can also get at you, as almost all parents feel guilty about some aspects of their parenting. Her children for instance, could hold her responsible for their parents divorce and are angry with them both and so take it out on her. It is a shame they are upsetting her as she sounds so nice.,

Having gone to sleep full of good intentions, I woke up knowing that, as much as I saw a lot of common sense in what people said, it was unlikely I could actually follow through and would more than likely back down, so going back into that spiral.

hole you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Everything you say is true. I know I've over compensated and been too soft and I fear it's too late to change now.

Their dad is around but has played a very small part in their formative years. I still hold a lot of guilt around the split. I initiated it because he was aggressive and was violent towards me once, and I could see him starting to lash out at the girls

He's not moved on at all, so I'm just a simmering mass of guilt that I should have worked more at the marriage.

I work full time in a demanding job, and do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing etc. I'm very conscious if there was another adult around my workload would be less, and feel bad asking them to take up the slack caused by my decision years ago.

You definitely should not have worked at a marriage with a violent, aggressive man.

From this weekend, you stop all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing. And the guilt.

You shop and cook food for yourself alone, you clean and wash for yourself, but not for your daughters.

They take full responsibility for their own shopping, cooking, washing, pay more rent and if the don't like that they can look for a place elsewhere.

£30 is nowhere near enough, you need to figure out what it would cost them to live and pay for food in the real world.

The reason they don't respect you is that they know you're letting them get away with behaving badly. They know you are dominated and they have the upper hand. They think they're entitled to everything you do for them, and you are colluding in this.

Why do you think you will back down OP? Are you scared of them? Do you have family who could be with you when you have the conversation?

They're 18 and 19. There are other adults around - two of them. Do they realise no other houseshare is going to offer them room, full board and cleaning service for £120 a month? When exactly are they planning to grow up? They are not 14 year old kids surfing a wave of hormonal mood swings. They are women. Perhaps that means they should get to keep their rooms as messy as they like, but OTOH it also means you should not be doing their washing for them! Seriously, just let them run out of clean clothes. If they have to go to uni with smelly armpits it ain't your problem.

What would happen if you showed them this thread?

I think you need to reconsider all of your boundaries; they are trampling over yours by rudeness, and you are trampling over their privacy regarding their rooms etc.

You sound a little much, tbh.

balloonslayer Exactly what I would say, and have done. My fave was
Er, you dont pay me enough to be that rude to me, but if you wish to give me another £10 I may consider it

OP, guilt is a complete waste of time. It's a retrospective emotion, focussing entirely on things you can't change. You will never be able to undo the separation from their father. So stop wishing it hadn't happened.

If you want to do something positive, focus on the independent and strong role model you need to be for your daughters.

Incidentally, one violent incident is enough to call time on a relationship.

Hollyhobbie, it is not too late. It's just that you can't suddenly be someone else. It will throw them. You can change. Seek out a mindfulness course as I feel this will help with your self esteem. CBT can be obtained on the NHS? Think about your rights. Yes, your children have rights, but so do you. It's like opinions expressed on Mums net. I have expressed my opinion and got told to F Off. Posts who do this are bullies. I have a right to express myself and you have a right to be in your own home and not be made miserable. I know you feel guilty. All Parents do, but your Divorce is over and done with now and you deserved to be admired as a strong woman, as it takes guts to walk away and bring up two children. I have friends who are unhappily married and now they are in their sixties, they cannot walk away, because they are scared and financially too dependant. You need to keep calm. It is no good crying as they are impervious. Wait till there is a good happy period, get your script ready and if they interrupt you, ( they will try) wait and then just carry on. Don't argue with them as it will just start a tit for tat. If you need more money then show them some clear information about the bills. They will have no idea. 18 year olds from caring backgrounds are usually on cloud cuckoo. You do need to do something for your own self respect. Make a plan, I love plans.