DP gone bonkers because I offered to drive her to the airport

[shesbonkersimnuts]

My beautiful DP has gotten very cross and won't talk to me because I offered to drive her to the airport on Monday evening. She is off on holiday for three weeks with her daughter and I am following on later.

After I offered she said she was not interested in a new offer for some thing that was already on the table. I asked kindly (if a little confused) what that meant and she said that we'd already agreed that I would drive her. I said sorry but I don't remember that but that if we had great, sorry for any confusion. I know for sure we had not talked about this as I'd asked her earlier in the week if she'd thought about how to get to the airport in time but her response was I'm not ready to think about.

I know we all get stuff mixed up, I certainly do but to get cross about this seems odd - irrespective of whether or not I'd already offered to do this? I asked when we'd agreed this but there was no answer.

I've no idea what to do now - do I pretend to ignore the whole thing or try again? Based on previous experience ignoring it is better but it's worrying me that we can't talk about stuff without it becoming a major drama? In the meantime she's not talking to me... Again...

[Chocaholicmonster]

Is there underlining stress causing her to be short tempered? It seems like a very trivial thing to be so angry about & now playing the cold shoulder. From what you have said - I can't see that you've done or said anything wrong

[shesbonkersimnuts]

I don't know to be honest. I try and listen and be supportive - I know generally when she is stressed and I ask if there is anything I can do but the answer is mostly its fine, nothing to worry about so I often don't know why.... She's going home to see her family and I am meeting them for the first time so maybe it's that?

I just wish we could talk about simple stuff in a direct way - rather than this weird roundabout stuff.

[Chocaholicmonster]

Perhaps she's just nervous about the whole first meet up thing & has voiced & approached it in a bad way.

Maybe leave her to calm down for a couple days & then try to approach her again about the situation. Ask her if she feels there's an issue. Or even go about it a roundabout way yourself, ask her if she's looking forward to the trip - this will give her chance to voice any concern, if there is any.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If 'previous experience' means that she has a history of getting irrationally angry with you about petty or minor things, and if the net result is that you end up apologising or shutting up for fear of triggering another outburst or a sulking episode, then I'm very sorry but she sounds like a bully.

Don't pretend to ignore it the way you normally do because all that strategy is earning you is more of her contempt. Demand an apology for the way she spoke to you and, if she carries on with the silent treatment, tell her to get a cab to the airport.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

She might have got mixed up because she's distracted about her forthcoming trip.

Your nn is interesting in the context of your thread. It doesn't sound as if you communicate with each other very well? Ignoring the bumpy bits in the road can't be a permanent solution.

[shesbonkersimnuts]

I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I tend to ignore stuff most of the time but then occasionally get wound up and respond but it ends up being me who's the villain.

Stilly example - she made a comment about a organisation which I knew to be factually incorrect. I politely corrected her once, she repeated the statement, I tried again. She muttered well if you don't like what I say you can get another girl. I calmly (well, I think I was calm outwardly) said sorry, I missed that. Answer was oh nothing. I left it there until a few days later when I raised it and she denied saying it or not remembering and then told I need to relax and not take things too seriously.

Other random example - she sent me a text from the bank saying her card had been declined (I knew she needed some cash) so I offered to lend her some till card thing is sorted out. Response: I've crossed a red line. I asked what that meant and she said no one who shares her bed lends her money. If they give her money its hers. Is that odd? I think so but I am trying to ignore the fact that is is because I love her but its getting harder. These are two examples but I could bring up more or less trivial ones for some time...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're being bullied. See it for what it is. The longer you put up with this treatment because you're frightened of being 'the villain' the lower your self-esteem will sink and the less she'll think of you. She takes it for granted that she can dish out this nasty stuff and you'll stick around. So don't be that doormat. Stand up for yourself.

[Sofiathefirst]

What age is DP? Seems you are totally blindsided by what some would say is "gaslighting". From my own experience, I'm wondering if this might be a sign of early Alzheimer's or dementia? I know that's tough to hear, but if totally out of character and context, it's a possibility.

I wish you well.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

How long have you been together?

[Walkacrossthesand]

How long have you been together?

[Walkacrossthesand]

[shesbonkersimnuts]

I think you might be right. I've tried talking to her about stuff but the response is I won't change. She's had a hard time from her ex partner so maybe I am too accommodating (I try and be around as much as possible). I love her and I know she loves me but I just want things to be calmer and not have to worry about what the next thing is that's going to blow up. When she's cross she's really cross.

[shesbonkersimnuts]

We met last September

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP

I have a member of my family who does things like this and other bizarre stuff.
Not sure if this helps, but with mine it is usually her feeling out of control, not managing well, but carrying on regardless.
You are there and will get the brunt of it, if this is the case.

[Jinglebells99]

Wow she certainly sounds like hard work.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Yes it sounds like you are being bullied op, I'm sorry

[shesbonkersimnuts]

I hope you are wrong... I don't really have anyone to talk to about this... I'm crazy about her and my friends and family know I am so I don't want to be disrespectful towards her.

[Jinglebells99]

It sounds like one of has memory problems.

[Chocaholicmonster]

Shesbonkers, you haven't even been together a year. This woman has well & truly shown her true colours. If this was the other way round - a woman posting about her husband / boyfriend, I can assure you at least one person would of told them to leave by now. She's a bully. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean that she isn't abusive. I think you need to take a step back & really look at this situation you're in. It appears to me, after being together for such a short period of time, this is your future. Her unbalanced temperament is who she is.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not 'disrespectful' to tell someone that they are behaving appallingly and you're not going to put up with it, it's 'assertive'. Loving someone does not mean sacrificing your self-respect. It certainly doesn't mean putting up with their shit.

BTW... how do you know the ex-partner gives her a hard time? How do you know he didn't just dare to speak up and is now 'the villain'? Imagine what she says about you when you're not there.....

[Beautifulmonster]

I know what she means about the offer thing though if it's the way I understand it. It's all arranged and agreed and organised then suddenly dp acts as if he has never heard about it, then makes a big todo about offering, making himself out to be kind mr good guy going out of his way to help out. I look at him stunned, thinking why are you pretending we haven't discussed it?

[shesbonkersimnuts]

I don't want you to be right but thats what worries me. I love her but there's a lot that worries me. I sound vindictive and mean now but its the little things that stick out. I watch her some times when we are calm and on the sofa watching TV. Her knuckles are white holding the remote control. Personally, I am not that bothered about TV so I don't mind but it would be nice once in a while to get asked is there anything I want to watch...

I think I either need to man up and take the consequences or ship out.. I don't think though I want to do either...

[Chocaholicmonster]

I think I either need to man up and take the consequences or ship out.. I don't think though I want to do either...

As harsh as it sounds, you've hit the nail on the head. Burying your head in the sand isn't going to make this go away. This is who she is. You cannot expect people to change - even for the better. She sounds high maintenance & very selfish with a select memory of whatever she wants to remember. There might be underlining issues that cause he to be this way - but from what you've said, I don't think you'll get to the bottom of them.

[Chocaholicmonster]

*her

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Come on Beautifulmonster.... what she said was pretty snotty. 'Offer on the table'?... Icicles must have been forming in the air! An affectionate response would have been 'you daft thing, you said the same thing yesterday...'

She's either being a coward & trying to make your life so unpleasant that you end the relationship OP, or she enjoys seeing you cower....