DP gone bonkers because I offered to drive her to the airport

[shesbonkersimnuts]

My beautiful DP has gotten very cross and won't talk to me because I offered to drive her to the airport on Monday evening. She is off on holiday for three weeks with her daughter and I am following on later.

After I offered she said she was not interested in a new offer for some thing that was already on the table. I asked kindly (if a little confused) what that meant and she said that we'd already agreed that I would drive her. I said sorry but I don't remember that but that if we had great, sorry for any confusion. I know for sure we had not talked about this as I'd asked her earlier in the week if she'd thought about how to get to the airport in time but her response was I'm not ready to think about.

I know we all get stuff mixed up, I certainly do but to get cross about this seems odd - irrespective of whether or not I'd already offered to do this? I asked when we'd agreed this but there was no answer.

I've no idea what to do now - do I pretend to ignore the whole thing or try again? Based on previous experience ignoring it is better but it's worrying me that we can't talk about stuff without it becoming a major drama? In the meantime she's not talking to me... Again...

[NewtRipley]

Good luck. OP. she is not nice to you, you don't deserve that.

[Chocaholicmonster]

Bonkers, I'm sorry to hear that you had such a poor day yesterday again. The shower incident is bizarre to say the least.

If you've fully made the decision to leave, I think it's the right one. I certainly wouldn't fly out to meet her. Not surrounded by all her family etc. I just don't think that'll do you any good.

Remember, we're always here if you need to rant, vent or for advice / hand holding while going through this difficult stage of life x

[Migsy1]

I mean "The End"

[Migsy1]

WTF? Just split up. You are obviously not compatible. Don't meet up with her on holiday. Then end.

[cafesociety]

She sounds unhinged, does not know what a healthy relationship is, is constantly testing you out and distorting the truth...and making sure she wins every battle [she enjoys making battles and unsettling you].

Quite frankly it's weird behaviour [past issues are not an excuse], it's controlling, mentally unhealthy and I think you should be relieved to be able to get out. This is one difficult personality, and one who could greatly affect your mental health and happiness if you stay. Beware.

She does not respect you, doesn't seem to know how to love anyone, is manipulative, controlling and bullying...apart from damn unreasonable and argumentative.
Get out of it and find someone who treats you well.

[AWombWithoutARoof]

Well done OP, you're being treated really shabbily. Move on and give yourself the chance to meet someone who respects you and treats you well. You can't keep walking on eggshells!

[Hissy]

Good move!

now start by cancelling the holiday and leaving her to it. I understand that you might not be able to do this until she's actually gone, as the fear will paralyse you until she does. But after a day or so you will have that resolve.

Once you have freed yourself you will feel relief. You really will.

You are being terrorised here, and it has to stop. She doesn't deserve you and never did. you are worth more than this, even if you can't quite believe it yet.

[creativevoid]

Please listen to cogito and others who are telling you this behaviour is totally unacceptable. I am shocked and disappointed there are people on here making excuses for your DP - as others have said, if the genders were reversed you'd have a long thread of LTB's.

You deserve better.

[shesbonkersimnuts]

I'm going to leave. There's no point trying when I have no right of reply. I can see now my way if dealing with things isn't healthy. Yielding at the moment for peace isn't good because things aren't resolved which she's picking up on so it's just a crazy cycle.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Please stick with your decision.
It's abusive.
Gaslighting
Stonewalling
Walking on eggshells
Look them all up and it makes for an unhappy read.
Walk away. Let her abuse and bully someone else.
We can tell from how you write about yourself that your self esteem is already on the floor thanks to her.

One text. It's not working and this has to end now.
Then block, delete and ignore.

It's all too exhausting.

[Annarose2014]

She is constantly, constantly, constantly setting you up. "Running away"? Cos you didn't want her daughter to get an eyeful? How the hell can you ever win with someone like that?

This is exhausting, and dreadful for your emotional health. Thank Goodness you are seeing that.

Have you decided what you're going to do?

[Branleuse]

After 10 months its like this?? Wow
If thats the honeymoon period, I dont see what would getyou through any tough times.
Dump her. Shes not that into you and is treating you appallingly

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"you've got ten days to think about things before you come out to join her on holiday to see if you are sure about our relationship"

Even in your last few posts you sound like a person tripping around on eggshells. You were quiet over the shower rather than insisting to be left to get on with it. You got out of the way later on rather than risk a confrontation. After all this you still suggested meeting and enjoying time together... ?

I think bringing this to an end is a no-brainer and I'm glad you've reached that conclusion. However, once the dust has settled and you're not quite so unhappy, I'd also suggest that you need to take a long, hard look at your assertiveness, confidence and self-esteem. The 'I'm not perfect' line that you've used a few times is very passive and self-deprecating. We all come up against bullies from time to time and it doesn't pay to be submissive.

[Gettingmeback]

Bonkers not, hope you are doing ok. Your gf is abusive. Doesn't matter why, as other PP said you aren't her therapist and TBH can't help her. If she is going to stop being abusive, it will come from within her, not from you. She's mindfucking you and you're playing into her hands, not because you want to, but the confusion throws you off your game and you can't think straight when she's banging on crazy style. So you apologise and say you'll do better, but then start thinking WTF, I didn't do anything to begin with. Or did I? And so begins a slow descent into zero confidence and self-esteem, and a constant striving to get the love of someone who is actually enjoying mindfucking you.

She has likely been in an abusive (mutually maybe) drama filled relationship with the ex, and doesn't know how to be in a healthy one where she is cared about. She is pushing you for a fight constantly, probably so she can either feel justified in storming out on you eventually leaving you, or setting you up so she can say you're abusive because you'll be pushed to your limits and tell her what you think of her.

BTW if you were/are female, we would have screamed sexual abuse when she breached your boundaries in the bathroom like that. So I will say it, its abuse.

Time to nut up. Tell her she's right, you've taken the time to think about it, and this relationship isn't workng for you. Don't go into detail explaining it, either she is fully aware of her behaviour or genuinely delusional but in either case, rational conversation will not follow. It'll all be your fault and you run the risk of being sucked back into the abuse.

Plenty of other lovely women out there looking for a nice guy and plenty of other nutters it sounds like you haven't been together that long, save yourself from ongoing hurt.

[peasandlove]

It sounds like you guys just don't get each other. You don't click.
What do you think? If that is the case no amount of effort or love will ever change that

[shesbonkersimnuts]

Thank you for this - it's a pretty lonely place right now but I think leaving is the right thing to do. I am way from perfect but when ever there is disagreement it's me who yields. I thought she was the one and I loved her (and still do) because she gave me so much (and still does) but if you can't talk about things openly without being criticised / drawbridge going up and be open it doesn't matter what nice things some one else does for you right? Love needs to be about trust and support, not doing stuff for the other person (though obviously thats important too).
Exhausted.

[peacoat]

She's given you the get-out option. Please take it.

You're not crazy. It's hard for non-crazy people to believe that this sort of behaviour exists without a good reason, but some people are just bullies. you can try and analyse and understand her behaviour but it's a losing battle. Whatever her reason for this behaviour is not your problem to deal with. You aren't her therapist.

Get out and enjoy life again. Chalk it up to experience.

[shesbonkersimnuts]

Sadly I think we are done. Yesterday was horrible again - all fine in the morning till I had a shower. I'm mid way through when DP walks into bathroom with child who needs to brush her hair. We've had pretty strict (and rightly) rules about privacy with a child around so I was uncomfortable about being in the shower. So, I hung on as long as I could but after fifteen minutes (and DP having departed) I asked DP child if she would be long as I needed to get out of shower and get dressed. All cool and she left after a bit. I then get out of the show and am drying, getting dressed with door shut. DP walks in door wide open as I'm starkers and child looking on in back ground. I'm uncomfortable and put towel on and get my stuff and get dressed in another room. DP says I'm running away. Didn't respond as I don't think there was an appropriate reply. The plan for the day was for DP to drop of child with father shortly after and then go shopping. So, I thought I'd get out of the way rather than make a big deal out of the contradiction so suggested that but that led to DP getting cross but agreed to meet me. Later, phone call saying I don't know whats wrong with you but I don't want to see you right now so I'm going shopping, enjoy your walk and I will see you later. Rather than let things brew I then called and said lets meet and just enjoy our time together before she goes away? Reluctance agreement but you could cut the atmosphere with a knife all day so I'm on eggshells all day again but stayed calm. I left for work this morning, wished DP a good holiday and speak soon. Called DP at the airport and had a bit of chat on the way home. She then calls back later, asks the same questions about my day she asked earlier and then said you've got ten days to think about things before you come out to join her on holiday to see if you are sure about our relationship. Not know what on earth to say I just said ok, have a good flight and see you soon. The get messages soon after saying sorry for being cold but I've been weird these last few weeks and she's not keen to introduce me to her family now.

I think I have to walk away - I am not trying present myself as perfect. I'm not but this stuff just comes from nowhere and when I try to understand where it has come from I just get more back at me.

I've loved her, adored her with all my heart but I just don't understand where she is coming from. It feels all very one way.

Am I completely bonkers and not seeing things? Be honest, if kind?

[NorksAreMesssy]

I have read the thread and assumed that you are both women. Not that it makes the slightest difference to the advice, it is just how I have pictured it.
Please don't let a comparatively normal day yesterday change your opinion. Nobody is horrible all the time, and if she was, your decision would be much easier. It is the little crumbs of happiness that keep you hoping until really all hope is gone.
Please keep reading this thread, shesbonkers to remind yourself how you feel right now.

[inneedofguidance]

Its probably of little help but I recognise a lot of the same symptoms. Similar patterns of behaviors. You can roll with it most of the time, then you just have find you taken to much give it back & you are the villan. Not really sure what the answer is. But I think it's about being strong, confident & in just the right amount of control without being controlling.

[Chocaholicmonster]

Probably the best plan of action :-) Hope tomorrow is bearable too

[shesbonkersimnuts]

Hi Chocaholicmonster - today has been ok. I slept in quite late and she was very affectionate in the morning. The three of us have been out and about today in town. Few low level bits which I just ignored. I'm gonna sit tight this weekend and see how I feel once she's gone and I've a chance to collect my thoughts. Appreciate you checking in.

[Chocaholicmonster]

What's your thoughts / plan, Shesbonkers?