I feel like my world's been blown apart

[32flavours]

Last night I went to bed thinking everything in my life was perfect. I've been with my dp for nearly seven years, we were a couple of months away from being approved to adopt and we were saving to buy a house in a few years time. We had a lovely day yesterday as we were both off, I really thought my life was sorted. This morning she left for work as usual and about five minutes later text me to say she doesn't want this, any of it. She doesn't want me, the adoption, anything.
I felt like I was going to die. I keep going over the last few days, weeks, months in my head to see if there was anything I missed. Yesterday we were talking about decorating the spare room for our future child and now I am single, childless and homeless. I can't believe she's done this to me and didn't even have the decency to tell me face to face. She's told me she needs space and she's not ready to be a parent. Obviously even if she changes her mind again there is no way I'd go through with adopting now, I would never do that to a child.
I hurt so much, more than I thought possible. I can't believe she's thrown everything away like this. I'm sorry if this is rambling but I have no idea what to think or do.

We haven't been approved yet, we had a panel date for September and our sw was intending to link us at the same time. From what she's said to me she's had doubts for a few months and tried to ignore them. They built up more and more resulting in her having a total meltdown. I don't think it has anything to do with the child we were being linked with. I think it's more the responsibility of having a child right now.
We haven't had a smooth ride with the approval process (I know most people don't) it's taken over a year to get to this point and we were stuck between stage one and two for four months. I have no intention of trying to persuade her to continue, morally I could not do that to a child who will have already experienced upheaval and instability in their lives. My childhood lacked stability and it affected me deeply, I've always said to my dp that I would never bring a child into an insecure environment.

I don't know what happens next. Our sw was meant to be coming round tomorrow morning to carry on the assessment, I'm not sure if she will still come. We've left a message with her yesterday to tell her what has happened but I'm worried she won't have picked it up.

Hi 32. Hope the SW picked your message up and you are okay - well as okay as you can be in the circumstances

Thanks Rhino. She got the message and came round this morning to officially close our application. My dp decided she couldn't face her and left early for work, leaving me to deal with it by myself. The sw was very understanding but I did get a bit upset as I know it definitely won't be happening now. On reflection I think I invested a lot more emotionally into the process than my dp. She doesn't seem to care and I'm questioning whether she ever really wanted it at all. Despite having a two hour break today she didn't even bother to call me to see if I was ok, instead she went for lunch with her friend. I'm starting to question whether she actually cares about me at all.

Hey 32 I hope you're holding up ok. I really do feel for you, I'm going through a similar situation - 3 weeks ago my DH told me he doesn't love me anymore and moved out at the weekend. As far as I was concerned/he led me to believe we were going to be trying for another baby next month!! So I do understand when you say you're grieving for the child you don't have. I'm grieving for the baby and sibling DS1 won't have.
I also understand when you say you wonder if she actually cares at all. My DH has barely asked how I'm doing even after causing me so much pain. He's pretty much switched off. People think there must be an OW and they may well be right but we've also been under considerable stress both together and individually in the last 18 months and I think the stress just got too much and he's saying he's depressed. So this could be the same for your situation-the stress of the adoption just got too much and she just shut down?
I'm 3 weeks in now and if it makes you feel any better I'm feeling slightly better. Once the initial shock wears off you can think a bit more clearly. I also find that getting angry is so much easier than coping with the sad emotions so maybe focus on the angry thoughts just to get you through this bit?

Hi Titsy, I'm really sorry you're going through a similar experience. You might be right about her shutting down. She's just so cold with me at the moment, maybe she can't deal with the guilt from the pain she's caused me. I will try and take your advice on getting angry. I usually repress my anger in order to avoid rocking the boat, but it's got to be better than feeling sad all the time.