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Original poster

BIL and money

26 replies

MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 17:27

Brother in law has always lurched from one failed venture to next and always turned to (younger) dh to bail him out. Around four years ago, he emailed dh to say he was in 'trouble' and needed 60k. We were aware at the time that his dp (who is now his wife) knew nothing about him being in 'trouble', or that he had asked dh for this 'loan'.

Despite my advice to the contrary Dh gave him the money on the condition that if he ever desperately needed it back (eg school fees) it would be repaid in full. He did need it very badly at one point but BIL only repaid 1.5k. He has since married his partner who has somehow come into a very substantial amount of money, and they spend half their lives on cruises.

I have no bad feeling whatsoever to my SIL as to this day she is unaware of the situation and would no doubt be shocked if she knew. Dh has 'written off' the money and chosen to forget about it because it is his brother and he is a real family person, but every time we see them I can't help but feel contempt for BIL. I'm sure it shows as unfriendlyness and SIL probably wonders why. I couldn't possibly tell her as WW2 would break out and I would not want the finger pointed at me for possibly wrecking their marriage. I just can't understand how BIL can look dh in the eye.

OP posts:
Roussette · 25/07/2014 17:53

Goodness. How on earth can you write off 60K family or no family.

You don't need to question your BIL, he is just trotting along happily because your DH hasn't challenged him to repay it, and who can blame your BIL in that case? I would be on to my DH to straightaway tackle this and get the money back from BIL pronto. (especially as they can obviously afford to pay this back even though it's his wife's money - that's his problem, he should have been repaying it back over the years).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 17:54

I'd have no time for a DH that was such a soft touch, sorry. BIL sounds like a con-artist. Neither of them have any respect for their partners. Are you fabulously wealthy that he can afford to write off £60k? Shock Don't swallow your anger protecting either of this pair of idiots. Tell SIL the awful truth 'more in sorrow than in anger', let her make an informed decision and give her the respect denied to her by the Chuckle Brothers.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/07/2014 17:57

Your DH is not pursuing the money? HIBU.

He is also totally idiotic to lend such a large sum of money to someone who is clearly bad with it.

I would be mighty pissed off that my dh had cost us 60k and was choosing to do nothing about it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/07/2014 17:59

the catty side of me would "naively presume" that BIL had told SIL and I would get in touch with her

"X, I know how crap the blokes are at organising stuff between themselves, so I just wanted to see if we could meet to discuss a repayment plan for the money we lent BIL?"

And let it unfold from therr.

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 18:11

Rousette BIL always maintains he and sil have seperate money (no wonder), but I know it to be true. Do you really think sil should be liable considering she had no knowledge? Dh has tried and long given up asking to be repaid.

Cogito yes dh is a soft touch- not in business but he lost his dad young and therefore family is high up there for him. Guess you could call him a kind person. Why is it you say he has no respect for ME though? (We weren't married at time of 'loan' so not impacted on my life. No we're not fabulously wealthy but dh's business brings in irregular (can be large) amounts as opposed to a steady wage.

Believe it or not, Bil had the cheek a couple of months back to try for a (very much) smaller amount again. I made dh ask him if sil knew about this to which he replied that she did- I then got dh to text sil directly saying "I understand you need some help"- to which he got a reply saying "how dare he ask you what a cheek!" And that she would help him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 18:17

With regards to the 60k, bil told dh his home was being re-possessed and this would stop it happening- but it didn't!

ThinkIveBeenHacked, I was not yet married to my dh when it happened so had no financial ties to him. I would so, so love to tell her as it just pisses me off so greatly to see bil take such colossal advantage of dh's kindness. But it would be like throwing a grenade into his family, he'd never pay it back anyway, she may leave him (serve him right but I like her- she doesn't deserve it).

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 25/07/2014 18:29

OP - not trying to sound arsey but what are you asking exactly? There seems to be 3 main ways of going forward:

  1. confront BIL and hash out a repayment plan
  2. involve SIL - make her aware of the money owed
  3. do nothing, accept you won't get the money back and move on

You have discounted 1) ad 2) so the only avenue left is 3). It would be difficult i couldn't do it i don't think but seeing as they are in your lives I'd suggest concentrating on being civil and polite. You don't have to be overly friendly but agree it must be confusing for your SIL if you're coming across as unfriendly.

If she has clocked your 'unfriendliness' I'd bet that she's asked your BIL what the problem is.....I wonder what he's told her?

ApocalypseNowt · 25/07/2014 18:29

Oh and agree with your DH to never lend them as much as a cup of sugar in the future!

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 18:37

Thanks Apocalypse as I haven't discussed it with anyone in RL (small world), I guess i was just looking for opinions- I have so far been practising option 3 but dh has agreed not to lend him a bean in future

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 25/07/2014 18:45

Well that's something at least!

In all honesty if that happened to me and my dh I don't think i could give up on the money....or if i did I wouldn't be speaking to them and SIL would definitely know. I understand however that you're saying it was your DH before you were married and he has his reasons for putting greater importance on family than some would.

Very difficult situation - how often do you see them?

QuipFree · 25/07/2014 18:52

If you don't need the 60k, and it was loaned before you married DH, then why is this upsetting you? BIL is no longer indebted to your DH if your DH has written it off.

So BIL is an arse. What of it? How much does this really affect you?

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 18:53

We see them every few weeks- I guess it's decision time because as time passes it will become more tricky to mention as already few years back. Unfortunately I am the type to let things fester though! Thanks for your response x

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/07/2014 18:57

Your DH knows the score and it appears that SIL does too if they are keeping their finances separate. Most especially after the latest request for a "loan".

I don't think there's any need to say or do anything. Easy to say but hard to do, I know.

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 18:57

QuipFree it only upsets when i see him because it's just so wrong! No it didnt affect me at the time but we could always use 60k! It's just thinking he's smug now he got away with it. If I ever get into an argument with either of them though, i can't guarantee it not coming out!

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 19:01

Thank you Bitter (love your user name btw), good point about sil knowing how he is with money due to keeping finances seperate. Might get easier to hold my tongue as fades into past

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 25/07/2014 19:07

Ok, so you, re not only subsidising their cruises you also feel responsible for their relationship...

I would not want to be with a man who is being held a financial hostage to a siblings fuck ups whatever the family dynamics.

I,m sure she,s aware. Start talking about the elephant in the room, that money you provide, even indirectly, you should be putting away for a rainy day/pension fund/a cruise FFS!....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 19:26

He doesn't respect you because he gave his brother the money in spite of your advice to the contrary and, even though it's family money rather than his money, he's making no attempt to get it back. You and your opinion are not taken into account at any stage. I call that disrespectful. Given his brother's attitude to his wife, I think the common denominator is that - in spite of being raised by a woman - they believe women are not something to be taken into account.

You've made your choices based on the information. SIL deserves to know the truth so that she can decide for herself. She isn't a child

Roussette · 25/07/2014 19:36

Marmite I bet your BIL is saying he and his wife keep their money seperate - how convenient! That enables him to say it's nothing to do with his wife! But it is. They are married. He should tell her, borrow off her and pay you back and then sort it out with his wife.

Look.... who knows when you really really might need that money, life is unpredictable. Your DH should be demanding it back, your BIL sounds like a total freeloader.

Roussette · 25/07/2014 19:38

And he's asked for more??? Shock

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 19:51

IflyAway I'm not so sure you wouldnt want to be with this one- yes he's pitifully weak when it comes to his family, we all have flaws but i guess that's about his one and only! As a person, excluding that, he's a hard act to follow. We weren't not married at the time, he asked my advice and didn't take it! Sil has no idea, no reason to think she has.

Cogito it was NOT family money at the time. if I don't take someone's advice because I think I know better, doesn't mean I have no respect for the person! Have you always, in every circumstance, taken your dp's advice, right or wrong? He decided to give his bro the benefit of the doubt, which Bil didn't deserve.

Since that incident, whenever asked for a loan, dh always consults me- as he should!

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 19:54

Sorry should read 'Not married at time'

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 19:57

It may not have been family money at the time but it's family money now. Your DH appears to have written it off as no big deal but you're talking about it as school fee money and seething with indignation whenever you see your BIL. That's quite a difference in outlook. Does he have any idea how you feel? If so, what's he doing about it?

Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 20:14

I don't believe I have a 'right' to decisions concerning how dh (however foolishly) spent his money before we were married. How he spends it now? Obv different story. My dh and I do not have dcs together so when I mentioned school fees it was in the context of his own dcs (not that that makes it any less important of course, but the fees are dh's responsibility, not mine).

Yes dh and I have different outlooks with regards to money- his is that life is short and he doesn't worry about it too much. Luckily he is self sufficient and can afford not to. But in this case it is the principal that gets to me, and that his own db who he showed kindness to has treated him like this.

I guess once I have let the cat out the bag I can't undo it, and even though I may be right, dont feel 'responsible' for, but am conscious of potentially ruining their marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmiteMania · 25/07/2014 20:20

Sorry posted to soon.. When Sil hasn't done anything wrong! (Apart from marry a waste of space..)

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 25/07/2014 21:12

Unfortunately it isn't up to you to ask for repayment of these monies, it is up to your DH.

Lending money to family should be banned, it causes nothing but problems. I speak from experience here, my DM has loaned large amounts to my DB & he has treated her with contempt ever since.