Is this unacceptably rude behaviour?

[maggiethemagpie]

Texted an old friend to suggest meeting up. Heard nothing back for four days. After four days thought I'd given it long enough, called but he didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message. Then texted again, no reply. Thought maybe his phone was on the blink so emailed a few days later saying 'is there something wrong with your phone' and he then texted the next day to reply to the original text suggesting we could meet up - this was a week after my original message.

I said I could not meet that day and suggested meting another day . Three days and no reply. Eventually I texted him again twice and he finally got back to me but I'm now thinking that I'm not actually that keen on meeting up as he seems so unbothered and it's so hard for him to get back to me.

I've known this person 17 years and thought we were good friends. If I tell him I'm upset with him I'm afraid I'll look really arsey/needy/messy making such a fuss over a few texts. But it is a big deal to me - it's like I'm knocking on a door and no one's bothering to open it. It really upsets me - feels like I'm being ignored.

So am I being over sensitive or is he being rude?

And before people suggest I 'just phone' - tried that and he didn't pick up or phone back.

He's not bothered.. just give up, life's too short to chase somebody who just isn't arsed.

I wouldn't even have tried as much as you have, give up, he's clearly not on the same page as you.

No you are NOT being over sensitive and YES it is very rude indeed.
I think you need to give up now.
Wait and see what happens next but don't instigate anything.

Does have a new GF who is uncomfortable with your relationship and doesn't like him contacting you?

Not sure of sexes etc... here but guessing.

Is he ok though?
I have a friend who has depression, and when she is having a particularly difficult time she goes no contact with all of us...

Otherwise, if he is simply ignoring you, that is very rude. And mean.

Agree with pp give up on your "friend". I can't stand people like that, you don't need someone who won't be there for you when you need them. Don't text or call them and when they start texting you I'd just say remember when you couldn't be arsed with me? Enjoy the feeling.

Has he always been like this or is this new behaviour?

I have a friend who has (Dare I mention it on here in case I get flamed?) Aspergers & he acts like this at times.

If this is new behaviour there may be a reason for it. If he has been like this before, was it you that instigated contact again?

I think the problem is that in the past I've called his house phone and we've spoken in real time and made arrangements and it's been ok. But they moved house recently and I don't have the new number. Or I've made them through his partner, who's kind of the social organiser in the relationship -although she can be as bad as he can sometimes in terms of returning texts and the like.
It's fine when we meet up, which can often involve partners and children too, we get on great...but then this kind of thing just spoils it.

I'm really disappointed. Do people think no point in confronting him, even if I try to do it in a non aggressive way?

We go back a long way, but have been friends from 'way back when' for a while now- always thought those kind of friendships endured, but I guess no use flogging a dead horse....

Perhaps he has something going on in his life and he isn't able to return your messages simply because he is worldly weary?

Perhaps instead of barracking for a meeting you might just ask if all is ok in his world and is there anything you can do to help? I have a friend with periodic 'black dog' and you just keep up with the light hearted texts that don't pressurise, eventually she comes out the other side and normal service is resumed

I'm a bit perplexed at how intense you're sounding about it. Why would you confront him?

But he doesn't have periodic black dog FranksaysNo - known him a while and never known this to be an issue (not saying he couldn't have suddenly developed depression -but unlikely)

Gamerchick - because he's upset me? Most people on this thread seem to agree it's not nice behaviour. But I guess the rational thing to do is just walk away.

Sounds like a case of 'he's just not that into you'.
You want to see him as a close friend, and he wants something more casual. And that's fine! There's no point pushing it, if he was really keen to meet up he would be returning your messages sooner. So I think you have to take the hints that he's giving you and back off a bit.

yeah I hear you GailLondon. Still hurts tho! I never did learn how to take rejection (do any of us?)

You're right. It's very easy for me to sit here and say back off, when I'm sure I'd be feeling exactly the same way as you in your position. It's really hard to see a friendship fizzle out when one of you wants to keep it going!
Do you think you could accept a more casual friendship? Where you meet up and keep in touch a bit less often?

GailLondon -no. I don't think I can bring myself to text him again, only to be ignored for a week again. It has really upset me, I'm just not willing to go there again. I wouldn't mind but most people would at least acknowledge they'd been crap and come up with some excuse or explanation. I just feel humiliated that I actually thought his phone was not working, and emailed him to ask him if there was anything wrong with it, when all the time it was working just fine!

I will admit to being super-sensitive, wish I could be more blasé, but this is just who I am.

Like Jan45 had said, I'd not of made half the amount of effort you had (to a degree it looks a little bit needy) BUT, that said, his actions are rude & yes, you do have the right to feel upset - as would all of us in the same position, I'm sure.

I had a friend like this. I thought we were good friends with a solid friendship. We'd known each other for over 10 years & he just became harder & harder to contact, arrange things with etc. In the end I gave up. I left the ball in his court one day. He never has passed that ball & contacted - that was almost 3 years ago. Sometimes people change. Situation changes. It isn't always easy to accept. It took me a long time to accept that this friendship was obviously now in the past - but I am now over it. New friendships have developed within that 3 years & I no longer 'mourn' what we had as friends.

I'd suggest you do the same - Leave the ball in his court now. If he really values your friendship, he'll get back to you.

Has he always been like this? I don't know if you are such a good friend to him anyway if the first thought that goes through your mind is he being rude and you being all in a hump. I would be more concerned/ worried if a good friend suddenly started acting this way, because I would think that something is going on in their life.

"We go back a long way, but have been friends from 'way back when' for a while now- always thought those kind of friendships endured, but I guess no use flogging a dead horse....".

I think you are making a mistake by assuming that friends who go back a long way always have an enduring friendship. People & circumstances change, doesn't mean they've gone off you personally.

okay so you've admitted to being super-sensitive, i think that is a major factor coming into play here - sorry. I sometimes find myself backing off from friends who are like this even though I enjoy their company in person. I think its telling you don't have his new landline number.

I would keep things light and breezy and let him come to you. You have done your bit. I wouldn't push for or seek confrontation, nor would I expect him to acknowledge 'he's been crap'. We are all different.

As PP have alluded, we don't always know what else is really going on in people's lives, it may not be about you but him.

Thanks botanic baby - just wondering why you back off from your sensitive friends? genuinely interested - what makes you feel like backing off from them?

If I could turn off the sensitivity switch believe me I would, but I can't seem to find it.

maggie the only reason is because they have a tendency to take things the wrong way and you end up having to do lots of explaining or reassuring them that you weren't ignoring them etc, that's all.

I am quite sensitive too but I try to hide it as best I can. I do sympathise with you, its not easy.

face to face with sensitive people is usually a LOT better than by text. When I moved house I didn't give my new landline to a super sensitive friend as I knew from past experience that she would take umbrage if I either didn't answer quick enough, spend long enough talking or return her call as soon as she felt I should be doing. It just became too much hard work so I ended up keeping friendship to 'small doses'. As I say, just my experience and what is happening in your case could be something entirely different. I don't think you should feel humiliated, you sound like you have tried your best which is all you can do. Hope it works out for you.

Stop chasing him, he doesn't like it. But I see you'd already reached that conclusion.