No contact with my mum, should I tell her when I have my baby?

[thatniceperson]

Long story very short; my mum and I don't get on.

She's difficult, narcissistic etc. I recently decided to go no contact with her, something that I should have done years ago.

I have one son and a daughter due mid august and I feel like I'm being mean not having her in their lives.

Other no contact with parent people; did you inform parents of the birth of a grandchild? How was it worded? A simple '...grandchild was born today, we're both doing well'?

I don't feel like she deserves to hear about the birth and be a part of my life but I also feel bad, like I'm being difficult for being upset by her.

My mind is so confused by my relationship with my mother. I'm so jealous of my OH's relationship with his family, it's so simple and loving!!

(First proper post btw as I'm still quite a new mum :)

imho you have gone nc for a reason. There is no obvious benefit to anyone of getting in touch.

your job as a mum is to protect your children from nasty people not facilitate relationships with them, try not to feel guilty.

The stately homes thread may be worth a read for you

I went nc with my mother after I had my children, but was nc with my father and when I got pregnant contacted him again.

I was under intense pressure from my mother (they are divorced) and also I think that when you have a baby you start thinking a lot about how you would feel if your child was nc with you.

For what it's worth it didn't work out for me, there were reasons we were no contact and they still applied. It just added to my stress and we are now nc again.

Also, you are not responsible for how your mother feels. I spent a long time feeling guilty for causing her pain by going nc but have realised that is not only not my responsibility but actually she doesn't care and isn't feeling bad (though I bet she tells everyone she feels awful)

I posted this recently, this is where I am after 3 years of nc!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2128157-A-letter-to-My-estranged-mother-after-3-years

If she's not fit to be part of your life, that includes your DCs as well. Otherwise you're a hypocrite. If you mean, instead of 'no contact', you actually want 'controlled contact' that's often a more workable solution.

Thanks for the replies and opinions :)

I have seen the stately homes thread and a LOT of people's experiences ring true to my own. It's nice to know other people experience these things too, although I don't think that nice is the correct word!

Thank you for the link to your thread Mercy, I shall have a look at it. I agree that I have been thinking 'what if my son/daughter does this to me?' a lot recently and I shouldn't think of it that way. She is being shut out of our lives for good reason and I shouldn't feel guilty. I guess the feelings of guilt will wane over time.

Cogito, I agree about being a hypocrite if I allow her to see my kids, who's to say she's not going to be as nasty to them when they can start talking back to her? Of course she wants to see my son right now, he's only 2 so he can't question her on her insane life or confront her about the nasty way she speaks to me (and my Oh too!)

I don't want her in my life (for my own sanity/happiness) and I want to protect my children from her vindictive behaviour. It's so simple when I think of it like that! :)

My Dh went Nc with his mom, won't go in to details but she is a very difficult abusive lady, husband decided to give her a chance on the birth of our PFB sent a lovely pic and card announcing arrival , she went tits ! Her other son came round the house shouting a week after birth (traumatic birth) abusive letters and phone calls followed! Saying all this she was given a chance and blew it, for my husband it was the final nail and he has put this ghost to rest and I have no problem or morale dilemma now saying no .

I never told my dad when I had my son. I'd cut contact with him about 5 years prior to that then bumped into him in town when my son was about 18 months old. I think I did the right thing. My father wasn't exactly pleasant to talk to and didn't acknowlege his grandson in the pram with an ounce of affection at all. I have beaten myself up about this many times wondering if I should extend an olive branch to him but after his behaviour towards me and the rest of the family when we were in contact, I think I made the right decision.

I would not.

If you make contact again then you will have her in your life. If you want her back in your life I would pick another time when you are no so vulnerable. Like others have said if you don't want her in your life then I don't see why you would her in your children's lives.

Do you have a trusted third party who will tell her the basic fact of the existence of your next child?

A controlled message is probably better than her finding out randomly.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!

How would either of these scenarios sit with you?

1. Your Mother is mean and nasty to your DC just the way she was with you, playing mind games etc.

2. Your Mother is lovely to your DC, but still remains mean and nasty to you. Your DC form a lovely attachment to her, leaving you completely on the outside. They can't understand why you won't make more of an effort with her.

Either scenario stinks.

There was a MNetter posting a thread about scenario 2 recently, and she was in bits about it all.

Watching with interest, I've very recently gone NC with my dad and am due on Sunday.. No idea what I'm going to do yet!
I'm my mind (this May or may not reflect your situation!) if I don't tell him then the damage is irreversible, he will never get a chance to hear about it from me, and may hold it against me forever.. Equally, who cares? I'm NC, he doesn't have a right to know and the stress of just thinking about what to do is reason enough not to bother..
If I tell him then I'm extending the olive branch again which will go one of two ways- he will realise suddenly that he's an idiot and has been for his entire life and have a dramatic transformation and we will all skip through fields of Daisy's.. or- he will still be an idiot, I'd have stressed myself out for nothing, and have to start to painful 'being NC' journey again..

I'm no closer to deciding what I'm going to do, but whatever you decide will be right for you!

Thank you everyone! It all seems so simple when someone else is saying it, I know what I need to do, keep her at a distance. She hasn't changed in years, another baby isn't going to make her change her awful behaviour.

It's such a shame cos she's great with my son, unfortunately she doesn't have the same skills to be pleasant with me and other adults!

These thoughts all came about today cos she emailed (The only form of contact I've had with her for ages) asking if she could come to my sons birthday party. I said (politely) that I don't think it's a good idea, she replied saying I was being cruel (as I always am so cruel to her)
Fortunately she lives abroad so I don't expect her to just turn up but she's so unpredictable that a part of me is a bit scared she will.

Fortunately I have a sister who is completely on side with me, in fact she has been no contact with not even the occasional email for longer than me. She has said she will tell my mother when baby's born, if I want to tell her. She has forbidden me from contacting her when I'm in an exhausted fragile post birth state! My mum will be all like 'oh let me come and help' (ie sleep on my sofa for days on end- how could I be so cruel as to make her pay for a hotel? bounce the baby for a few hours, pick arguments about anything from past or present. The usual)

Beany- good luck this weekend! Hope you don't go too overdue in this heat. We certainly don't need The stress from difficult parents at 9 months pregnant! My mum always argued with me during my pregnancies and she used to say 'oh I forgot you're pregnant haha' ERGH she'd leave me practically hysterical and not seem to care!

Shropshire- your story is so sad, it's awful how a parent can brush you off so quickly cos they think they've done nothing wrong. I expect my mother to react like that if I bumped into her (which I fortunately probably won't cos she's abroad). She takes pleasure in being spiteful and holds grudges unlike anyone I've ever met. I know she will never forgive me for not 'allowing' her in my childrens life but it's for the best.

I still have hope that I'll get a proper sorry one day. Not a please say sorry to me because you are making my life a misery! which is all I've had in the past!

Oh well, I'll try not to think about her and concentrate on the new baby!

thatnice the preg / newborn stage makes most people really reassess their relationship with their parents and a lot of sadness surfaces. Sometimes masquerading as guilt becuase it's oddly hard to really lay the responsibility for a bad relationship at a parent's door ... somehow we want them still to be loving. (and we also want to do SO MUCH better with our own kids!)

But in the end, a poor parent remains a poor parent. Beyond that, what hayday says.

If you still get the urge to contact her after the birth, leave it a few months until the hormones have died down and you have the worst of physical birth tiredness over. A nasty parent at that time can really ruin things.

I did not inform my parents about second dc.
I did with my first which caused me alot of stress so I learnt my lesson.

Sorry that was abit brief pressed for time! My mother waa shocking after my first demanding contact and threats of legal action over contact. Be very careful. I will never forgive them for doing that to me either.

I have no experience of what it's like to be in your situation.

However, if she lives abroad, I would send an email announcing the birth and maybe include a picture. However, stay strong and say no if she wants to visit and/or stay.

I don't have a relationship with my mum. She left when we were little, and since has been emotionally manipulative and spiteful. I stopped contacting her 5 years ago.

She doesn't know that DP and I got married, or about our third child. I know it's the right decision for me and my family. She has nothing positive to add and is only destructive and toxic.

Do what feels right for you OP