problems with partners children and mine - help!!

[wantanewname]

Hi, I live with my DS who is nearly 11 and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 and half years. We are planning (or had been) to move in together. We are both in our mid forties and very happy together apart from one major issue.

He has four children, the older two are 19 and 20 and he has twins who are nearly 14, all are girls. They are all lovely children, none of them are malicious but they don't interact with my son. The twins spend three nights a week with their dad so are around a lot but the older two are both at university. The twins are typical teenage girls, they are into facebook, boys, make up, music etc. and my son is basically just into messing about with his mates. There is no common ground. I don't expect them to be friends or have much or anything in common but they quite simply ignore him. I know this is partly because they are twins, they are totally in their own little world, interested only really in themselves (they even have their own language) but they leave him out of conversations and don't talk to him at all.

This is becoming more and more of an issue and I just don't know what to do to resolve it. He is miserable about it and feels very isolated in their company and now refuses to go to their house. I have brought this up over and over with my boyfriend and he basically (like most parents) can't see his children doing anything wrong. He says my son is difficult for them to communicate with and to be fair he does completely retreat into himself in their company. He is a quiet and modest boy anyway and they are extroverts which doesn't help. I have encouraged him to talk more, to ask questions etc. and he does try but they answer but don't give anything more back. We are supposed to all be going away camping in a couple of weeks and moving in together later in the year but I have told my boyfriend that none of this is happening unless this is resolved.

I just don't know what to do. I feel the onus is on them to see that they are leaving him out and for my boyfriend to a) notice the problem b) speak sternly to his girls about leaving him out rather than the onus being on my DS to try harder to get on with 2 older girls who are intimidating to him (because there are two of them, because they are twins and because they are older). I also feel the older two make no effort to talk to him so actually (although I haven't said this) I think he should speak to all of them about how it would feel if they were in this position.

At my wits end, we've just had a big row about it...please advise!

I don't recall that my brother and I exchanged more than a dozen words per day when I was 14 and he was 11. I certainly went out of my way to avoid spending time with him - we were, and still are, very different people.

To my mind the issue isn't so much what the twins are doing (although I agree that they could do more - are they even aware of how your DS feels). I think there are two things to tackle:

1. Why does your DS feel the way he does? Not on a superficial "because the girls don't talk to him" level - on a deep, why two girls he spends a handful of hours per week with are able to upset him so deeply. Is there, in fact, more to it?

1. Why is your DP so dismissive of your concerns? Is this pattern repeated elsewhere in your relationship?

I'd go to the festival (boys' and girls' tents sound like a genius idea), but rethink moving in, at least on a temporary basis.

I think them excluding him could, in some way, be viewed in a positive light - from the sound of it, they aren't deliberately excluding him, just too wrapped up in what they're doing. He doesn't really register on their radar.

I think this is typical of a lot of families with your age/gender dynamics and it appears they feel 'comfortable' enough with him to exclude him.

It's a tough age gap - not big enough to have the 'aww, cute' - protective factor but not close enough to have many shared interests. This will change as they get older.

In the mean time, carry on with family activities. Playing games together, even on consoles can be a great way of encouraging communication.

*things not thinks!! (Must reread before posting!)

Mexican and ChaCha - I'm sometimes better with other peoples problems than my own!!

I have got 2 older brothers and they pretty much ignored me for most of our childhood. I think it's quite normal tbh

I can understand your dp'd pov. It doesn't sound like his children are necessarily doing anything wrong. Having "stern words" with them about it is likely to be counterproductive as they might start to resent your son.
I agree with the other posters ideas about how to get your son more involved. Games nights, family outings (bowling?) and gently trying to change the dynamic so it is not always "us and them".

I agree with your partner, what 14 year old wants to hang out with an 10 year old kid?

But the twins should not be rude to your son and that needs to be sorted out. They should be friendly and civil, not blank him and make him feel uncomfortable.

Ignoring and not hanging out with are two entirely different things!

It is NOT ok to completely ignore another person in the house, EVER!

OP, I would suggest a last ditch attempt at seeing if you can deal with this.

Divide and conquer - split the girls up for an afternoon every weekend for several weeks.

One of the girls gets to go out somewhere with your DP, and the other one goes out with you and your DS, swap the following week. Without their 'partner in crime' you can see whether they are willing to interact with your DS at all, and if/when they do, how they are with him. It would give him a chance to interact with them when they are less intimidating, etc.

See if the habits can be broken.

If not, then sorry, you really shouldn't move in with him.

But they're not ignoring him.

OP said "I have encouraged him to talk more, to ask questions etc. and he does try but they answer but don't give anything more back".

I'm a little confused about what your DS wants, OP. If it's polite conversation during family meals then that's perfectly reasonable. If it's to hang out with the twins then he's possibly asking for too much.

and the fact they are twins makes it doubly hard, my mum is/was an identical twin, her sister recently died it is like i only have half a mum left.
They can be that close and exclusive.

My brother only became interesting and not annoying once he hit 19, I'm 3 years older and just found him annoying.

This sounds like normal 14 year olds finding a younger sibling annoying but being polite and respectful enough so answer questions he has.

Me and my brought used to fight like cat and dog and me as the older sibling always got into trouble for it which just made me dislike him even more.

Is there an activity that you could encourage - maybe a shared interest in a sport, that you could use as a springboard for building relationships between the children? Or could you all try something new?

I don't think your BF can force his DDs to change their behaviour, but I think you're right to put the 'move' onto hold until your DS is more comfortable.