How will I ever get him to tell me things?

[MissM]

Sorry if this goes on a bit. In a nutshell, DH is and always has been, utterly crap at communicating anything remotely personal to me. It's brought us to the brink many times - he barely talks to me about anything to do with himself, how he's feeling or what he's thinking.

This is what happened today, which is making me feel alternately sad, frustrated and a bit desperate. We took the kids on a boat on the river - I've been working all week and finished early so thought we'd do it as a treat as we've been promising them for ages. DH gets all arsey about it, tries to change the plan, then makes a big fuss about the cost when we get there (£24 for two boats for an hour, which imo is completely reasonable). I got so peed off with him that I paid for it myself (as opposed to it coming from the joint account) and spent the rest of the afternoon feeling really resentful that he should be so tight about 24 quid (I didn't care that I paid, just angry that it was an issue for him).

Later I asked him why on earth he'd been so tight about it and he just shrugged and said sorry. Then off he went to the allotment leaving me fuming (this isn't the first time he's made a fuss about the cost of something relatively cheap) and a bit perplexed. Then later he sends me a text saying sorry that he'd been difficult, but he was scared of going because he can't swim.

Now I know he can't swim (well, he can a bit, just not very well), but he always volunteers to take the kids swimming so I never saw it as an issue and tbh had pretty much forgotten. But why didn't he tell me this when we were discussing where to take the kids in the first place? Why didn't he say it quietly on the way down? Or before we got in the canoe? Or any other bloody time than after the event when I was feeling irritated with him for putting a downer what was otherwise a lovely afternoon? In other words, WHY won't he bloody talk to me about this sort of stuff?

it makes me feel really sad, but also really angry - I've said to him time and time again that his lack of communication makes our relationship really hard at times. I've tried and tried and tried! If anyone could give me some top tips or at least a bit of perspective that would really help!
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Upbringing? Does he actually know how to do it? Does he do it with his family? Does he feel safe about it?

If he's generally not given to being arsey about things, and when he is there often turns out to be a subtext, would he respond to you saying (quietly and kindly) 'look, I really don't believe this is about XYZ, but I don't know what's really on your mind - how about you tell me now?' Some people really struggle to voice what they see as 'weakness', and maybe you giving him permission would be just the nudge he needs - and you're the person he's most likely to trust with these (to him) shameful insights.

Will he go and see a counsellor with you to try and work on this? It sounds as though today has been a bit of a watershed for you. Does he usually just expect to carry on as normal after one of these episodes? Is that what happens?

Yes, he does usually go on as if everything is normal. I've been asking him recently to go to counselling, either alone or with me - I think I will use this as a concrete example as to why I think he/we need it.

Upbringing has a lot to do with it - his family barely speak to one another except along the 'what did you have for tea/did you see the match' lines. (Mine on the other hand barely shuts up).

Walkacrossthesand I love what you say, but this seems to happen so often now that I've become very intolerant and unaware that there may be a subtext. So I'm more likely to respond with a tut or irritation than kindness. Which is wrong I know, but I feel that I've become almost alienated from his real feelings.