Just found out DP has cheated

[Heartbroken1]

Hi all,

I have just found out my DP of 6 years has cheated on me 5 times in the past year with a range of other women and men!

I am beyond shocked. My world has just fallen down around me. I was aware things had changed in our relationship over the past year or so. Dp has become very withdrawn and would often cancel nights out and visits to my family at the last minute, saying he was too busy. But I just thought he was stressed out with work.

To make matters worse, we moved to this part of the country for his work and in the time I have been here I still haven't made any friends who I can talk to. I miss my family dreadfully!

We have recently been TTC our first and I think this is why he has come clean when questioned.

I can't stop crying, my whole life has changed in a matter of minutes of me returning from a work trip! I felt that he was being weird while I was away, not texting and calling like usual so confronted him and he told me he had been on the internet searching for prostitutes but "it was ok because I didn't go through with it!" I then spent the evening searching his emails and it all came out.

Every time I have been away over the past year he has cheated on me. 3 out of the 5 times he brought them to our house! He has admitted that he was chatting to the people online and met with them, but completely denying anything happened. Funnily enough I do not believe him.

I have no idea what to do. I am tied into another year's contract at work and with the house (which I cannot afford on my own). I am stuck living with this man I can't even look at!

To make matters worse, he is not an EU national and I currently sponsor his visa for him to live and work in this country. Obviously if we separate the Home Office would need to be informed and he would have to leave the country. Unfortunately for him he has no where else to go, his family are spread around the world, he has never lived in the country where he is a national of and has lived in the UK since he has 17.

I can't stay with him, that much I do know, but I can't kick the man I love back to a country he knows nothing about with no savings (he has borrowed a substantial amount of money from my personal savings over the years to pay for visas etc, so currently has no savings of his own.)

What should I do?

I'd be looking for a lodger to help share the rent for the next year. He is not your problem, he stopped being your problem when he cheated the first time. If it was just the nice I'd be weighing up the pros and cons but the fact it was more than that, that he brought them to your house and it was both genders - forget it. You are worth so much more than this.

Op I'm so sorry

But 'that man you love' did not give one shit about you when he was putting it elsewhere.

He didn't think about how you would cope having to be by yourself when he was balls deep.

He certainly wasn't concerned about how he would hurt you when you found out, or he just wouldn't have done it.

You really need to stop concerning yourself with what he will do now. You are the victim here, but there's no need to act like it.

Cut him out of your life. He is grown man, he made his bed multiple times, now he can lie in it.

I think you need to get a bit more angry at him op, or you risk becoming a door mat.

I know the contacts and finance will make it difficult. But it is possible to get rid of him.

Good luck

it was my idea to go along that route (in september last year) rather than be sponsored by a company and tied into a job Are you sure he hadn't conditioned you into that way of thinking ?

said that he doesn't want to just get married because people would think he was just after the visa. Suggests strongly that he has been manipulating you and giving you a false sense fo security.

Thought shit about him not being an EU national and getting kicked out. Should have thought of that before he did this to you.

Tough* shit

They are your family OP unless you already had a very awkward relationship with them why not trust them.

Or give them a version, eg he wasn't the man you thought he was, he let you down big time/was unfaithful. It can't be fixed with him,

If you need to add anything say thank goodness you found out now before you got pregnant.

Underline it has been tough but you couldn't live a lie and want to look forward and get your life back on track.

Absolute nightmare op:(

Do you love your job? If yes, then stay if you can't get one near home, see if you can commute 3 days and stay in a hotel, lots of chats to be had with your boss.
If you don't, get looking near home and hand in your notice.

House - contact the landlord and say you have to leave. He must have people interested if he was hassling you. Leave because of credit checks and also a new start, either at home or a nice shared rental or on your own.

Your mum- she will be fine I'm sure apart from you funding him! But its better than you marrying him. Didn't your family get suspicious with all you've done for him and who's idea was it to move away from the glare, if there was one? At least you didn't marry him! Or have dc. That would have been a disaster, really it would:(

And him- OUT NOW. Tell him the landlord has said you both have to go so off he goes. I hope, seeing as you were paying, his name isn't on the tenancy. Even if it is, tell him he has to leave.

Call the home office and drop him in it. He's only going to sponge more if you don't.

It might not feel like it but you've had a lucky escape.

my DP of 6 years has cheated on me 5 times in the past year with a range of other women and men
Get sexual health checks right away. Don’t have sex with him again. Ah, I see from your further posts you've done this. Well done.

We have recently been TTC
Stop. Don’t consider having children with this man,

Every time I have been away over the past year he has cheated on me. 3 out of the 5 times he brought them to our house
Multiple betrayals and complete lack of respect for you.

I am tied into another year's contract at work and with the house which I cannot afford on my own
Contact work and landlord, explain the situation, ask if there’s a way out.
Get a lodger.

I am stuck living with this man I can't even look at
No, you’re not. Throw him out.

he is not an EU national and I currently sponsor his visa for him to live and work in this country
Then stop. Tell the Home Office right away and have him removed. ?

I can't kick the man I love back to a country he knows nothing about with no savings
Say to yourself ‘This man has used me. He has given/put me at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. He has brought women, and men, perhaps prostitutes, to the house where I live, for sex.’
Then ask yourself, does he deserve the consideration you have given him?
I gather from your later post you've reached this point. Good.

he has borrowed a substantial amount of money from my personal savings over the years
Say goodbye to your money. Say goodbye to the man. Start a new life.

And tell your mum. You did nothing wrong. He was a con artist.

How do you know he only started cheating in the past year?

What kind of visa is it? What are your responsibilities if you separate? I would check whether you really have to inform the home office and if not just kick him out and leave him to take his chances. Is it a 2 bed? If so you can let the second room www.spareroom.co.uk and if not you could maybe move I to the living room and let the bedroom? Or take foreign students?

I know you feel abject now but it will feel better I promise.

OmFg - ehric, op, I'd be on to immigration and home office so fast....!

This lying, cheating, conman doesn't deserve any respect. Or consideration.

A cock lodger that fucks around with randoms in your home and "you don't know what to do" ?

There is no hope for you.

Home office as quick as you like....

You were his sponser....

Not sponsor of his shagfest in your own home. Get him out other stuff can be sorted logistically after.

I know it sounds awful sorry you are going through such an awful time but so glad you have caught him.

What a vile piece of crap

I was thinking along the lines of the OP feeling guilty about having him deported. If she could wash her hands of him without that fear she might feel better about it.

To be honest, he's probably not going to be deported anyway. All that will happen is that his visa will run out or be revoked. They would still need a court order to deport him and to know where he is (and be bothered about it) none of which are a priority. That's why we have so many illegal migrants here on expired student or tourist visas.

He will probably find somewhere else to 'cocklodge' in the meantime.

Get rid ASAP and get tested. I know it's horrible but very necessary.