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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me save my relationship

16 replies

snappycow · 24/07/2014 05:27

We are in a really bad place at the moment - we have a young son. Things were wonderful and I was excited about the future - and in the course of a few weeks things have just got... crap. I can't help but snap and argue at him all the time. It seems we fight every day. I take it all out on him. I feel resentful about things - he promises he will change (i.e. do more around the house or spend more time with his son or I) then not much changes.

I can hear myself being a snappy cow. our son is running me ragged. This is the point I would usually leave a relationship - I am quick to go when things are difficult. But because of our son I am determined not to.

And I'm worried it's just a phase - because it seems we were all so happy just a few weeks ago.

Do you find yourself snapping and arguing with other half all the time? How do you stop it?

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 24/07/2014 05:49

You need time apart to do separate things. This is on the understanding that he's prepared to look after your son while you have a break and vice versa. While you're both in the house together, it just highlights the fact that he's doing piss all while you do the running around.

Original poster
snappycow · 24/07/2014 06:13

that's a good idea. I haven't had any time away from my son AND him for a long time.

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/07/2014 06:14

How young is your son?

What do you think changed in the last few weeks?

Do you have specific tasks for you and him around the house, so that he knows what he's supposed to do?

ChineseFireball · 24/07/2014 06:21

How old is your son, and do you have any other children? If it helps, DH and I had a sticky patch at about 8 months in to DS' life, probably because of the huge change that I don't think either of us had really appreciated or anticipated having a baby would have on our relationship.

I think it's important to keep communicating and maybe if you feel the division of labour isn't fair, write down a list of what you do and what your DH/P does to check it out - then you have a factual starting point. I thought that I was doing far more than DH when in fact it was only a bit more and it was much easier to sort out practically than I'd thought. Our biggest thing was emotional support which was harder to address but we got there.

Thanks
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 07:27

You say you're normally quite quick to walk away from a bad relationship but that, because you have a child together, you're going to stick it out. That feeling of being trapped with someone against your better judgement will cause resentment all by itself. How long were you together before your DS arrived?

Original poster
snappycow · 24/07/2014 07:46

thanks everyone. We had known each other for 7+ years on and off before baby - but only seriously for a very short time before baby. Child is toddler - under 2. He has his tiny list of things to do - which he does. Things had been wonderful and we talked about marriage a lot. I'm not sure what has changed - maybe it is our child has moved from being quite easy to look after - to a real challenge in the last few weeks - maybe it's the heat! He hasn't changed his behaviour really - but I, on the other hand have become a snappy cow who has a go at him every two mins - then I apologise... only to snap at him again some time later. I do love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
snappycow · 24/07/2014 07:52

i get what you're saying Cogito - what i should have said is I usually walk away when it gets hard or i don't get my own way... but our child means that i can't be that fickle or selfish. it's not a bad relationship. it's the best I've ever had..... it's just hard at the moment.

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/07/2014 07:57

He hasn't changed his behaviour, but were you happy with it before or has it reached a tipping point?

Although it could just be "cabin" fever and you may need some time for yourself.

As for the child, they go through changes when we have to readapt to them. It can be challenging until we find new strategies that work and then we think they are easy again.
Talk with each other and rethink what you have been doing.

Quitelikely · 24/07/2014 08:12

Can you afford childcare? It seems by what you have said you are taking your own frustrations out on him. You need to decide what things are upsetting you and then look at how your going to solve them. It's not exactly his fault if you're finding looking after your son hard at the moment.

Doitforme · 24/07/2014 09:25

If its only in the last few weeks could it be bad PMS Confused

Jan45 · 24/07/2014 16:11

You are snapping at him because you are not happy with him or happy about what he does or doesn't do, that won't change, it's normal human behaviour, just like the resentment you feel towards him.

Unless he changes his character, I don't see it changing, perhaps you two have run your course, believe me feeling resentful will kill any relationship. When you start criticising your partner, that's the time to call it a day.

Lweji · 24/07/2014 16:55

Only you can know if you are snapping because of something he does, or it's nothing to do with him and you are taking your frustrations on him.
Either is not good, but the second it's in your hands to change.
The first it's in your hands how you react to it. You can talk to him about why you are upset and see how he responds, or you accept it or leave him, if that's too much of a problem for you.

HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 17:10

Maybe put it in concrete terms for now so that it isn't as nebulous as all that. For example, he will do x job every night or you will alternate (whatever your terms might be), and he will bathe your son and read him a story every evening while you have a cup of tea.

It's a lot easier to make changes happen when they are set out more,clearly.

Also definitely make sure you take an afternoon or evening out once a week. Some time on your own will do you the world of good.

Original poster
snappycow · 25/07/2014 10:06

Thanks everyone - I think it's more about how I feel about myself than him - and the struggles of looking after our son recently. I've made a real effort to be extra nice - little gestures and all that - and his mood/ the way he's been acting has changed quite dramatically. We had a good chat and he told me a few things that have been stressing him out - I have also made a positive step to changing my lifestyle which he is being supportive of. All in all - I'm hopeful about the future.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 25/07/2014 10:26

That sounds great.

Please make sure, though, that he does start to do more around the house. And that he spends more time with his son. Alternating bedtime and story might be a good idea?

If these things are stressing you out and starting to overwhelm you they need to be addressed. And a good talk is great but actions speak louder than words....

Doitforme · 26/07/2014 22:43

Snappy that's brilliant. Its amazing how just one person can change the situation around instantly by little positive gestures and extra effort. Then the other generally does respond in kind and things go from strength to strength as you have found.

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