Friends disappear after having a baby...!

[littleladybird14]

I was just hoping for some advice really and to see if anyone else has gone through the same situation.

When I announced I was pregnant my small group of close friends were excited and made all these promises of 'auntie' duties etc. Since my DS was born almost 2 years ago I can honestly say that not once in all that time other than the initial baby visit have any of them asked to come and see me and my DS. I live around 40 minutes away from most of my friends but always used to be the one to go nearer their neck of the woods for visits to the pub, meals out, going to each other's houses etc, I guess they were always reluctant to come to me as I was the only one living where I do. It's now more difficult for me to visit them although I still have family in that area so always willing to meet. I've gone back to work part time so free two extra days a week which can tie in with a teacher friend when she's off on her holidays from school but still nothing. Not even a text to see how I am, it's always me texting them and I've come to a point where I just want to give up but actually I don't have a wide circle of friends and I'm feeling so lonely without having anyone but my husband to talk to.

I just can't understand what I've done wrong. One of my oldest and closest friends I'm lucky to see at my birthday and her birthday and even then she looks pained to have to talk to me.

I'm not an obsessive mother, I'm proud of my son of course and excited to talk about him, but in all honesty no one ever asks about him so he doesn't come up in conversation when we do meet which kills me that they just don't care, he is part of me after all.

I just don't get it. Part of me just thinks give up, they're not at the same stage of life as I am, none are married, close to, or have kids and still act like they're at uni or something. The idea of asking me how I'm doing is out of their realms. In all honestly I've had a turbulent time of it, from a traumatic birth that kept me in hospital for a week with blood transfusions to struggling with personal anxieties about being a mum and marriage difficulties leading to counselling, I've had no one but my husband to turn to. I just want my friends back, but how we used to be, not this awkward tense and resentment (from my side of how they have behaved for the past 2years) but not sure if it'll ever be that way again.

Any suggestions to repair the friendship or do you think it's a sinking ship?

I've been on the other side of it too, as I watched all my friends having babies. The "being expected to travel to their houses" Oh God. Apparently just cos I was childless it was no bother whatsoever for me to have to get a train and a bus to go see them.

And when I did? I'd sit awkwardly on the sofa whilst they breastfed endlessly and talked about the baby's feeding pattern. They'd mention their problems with settling to sleep or something utterly foreign to me and I'd just go "Errrr.....the midwife might help???" I'd mention my (genuine) work problems and they'd glaze over. I'd tell a funny story about a recent night out and they'd get maudlin about not being there & I'd feel like a bitch (even though they had just given birth so how could they have gone????) - ooops!

Then when you're on the phone to them "Hi, great to hear from you EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEE!!!! What was that??? Oh, thats just PFB screaming down the phone, he's teething poor thing....Oh right, well how are you? EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!!!!! .....and then DH said.....Sorry? Couldn't hear that bit!.....Oh..well as I was sayingEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE!!!!.........."

So you either invite them out (and they angst about DH being able to "babysit" and he apparently NEVEREVEREVER can) or you realise that it ain't gonna happen and you just go out without them.

They text "love to meet up sometime, just let me know" and you're like WTF??? You know full well that they can't just meet up like that. Its a full military operation! No matter what date I suggest it won't work, or I'll have to travel to them, and they'll end up bringing baby anyway - so instead of awkwardly perching on the sofa you'll just be awkwardly perching on the seat of a coffee shop whilst they gaze down at their BFing baby and talk about sleep routines.

Worse, the implication that everything that they are doing is so much more important and your trivial little social life where none of you have "grown up" yet. Cos you haven't bred. Apparently you know nothing about life like they do.

And then apparently you're the bitch cos you're just not enjoying the relationship anymore!

Honestly OP they do not sound very nice from your description (I appreciate we get one side of the story here).

I would just focus on meeting new people and hopefully in the future these old friendships can grow again. I wouldn't burn any bridges but at the same time chasing after someone who is not arsed is soul destroying.

I have experienced it from the other side. Friends who have had babies then you never from hear them and as the childless one feel like you are the one doing all the texting. But then there are other friends who have had babies who have kept in touch. I don't have children but am not as bothered about going out on the lash anymore. In fact I prefer to do lunch or tea and drink at home. And I try to be as considerate as I can towards my friends with children - fit around what's convenient for them etc... Maybe these friendships have just run their course.

Annarose I agree about the not having 'grown up' comment. I have had it said to me 'oh it's about time you grew up' or that your life isn't as meaningful cos you don't have kids. But I am quite happy for my friends to bring their kids along when we go out and I actually quite enjoy playing with them

annarose I know exactly what you mean. A friend of mine recently had started to actually take me up on offers to meet up for a coffee or such during the day as her DD is now older and started nursery meaning some days she could get away and we could meet in town and go shopping etc.
It was a nice feeling as it was like having my old friend back, she seemed a lot more relaxed about going places when her DD was at nursery and seemed to really enjoy the break. After a few months she became pregnant again and I have barely heard from her since!

I see both sides but I think it is unfair to say anybody isn't a grown up etc until they have children. That implies that people who can't have children or choose to never have children are never real adults.

Somebody here also mentioned about people without children being jealous, and while it may be true for some it can go both ways. A relative of mine who is the same age as me (26) and has 5DC, is often jealous because I have a bit of spare money, can go out whenever I like, still see a lot of my friends.

The first to have kids AND a Wendy in the group, you didnt stand a chance.

I think that the playground thing of "First the worst, second the best" is true when it comes to having kids. I was the first and was dropped like a stone, then a couple of years later and 2 were pg at the same time and another 2 were TTC and I think I was #1 on their speed dial, and yes I did resent it. Their pregnancies and babies were the biggest deal of the world ever, mine passed unnoticed because at that point they werent interested.

I am sorry to say that the distance remained because I was so hurt about how they acted.

I think it is harsh to say the OP's friends are being "shit" or "immature".

They just aren't interested in the direction of the OP's life - that is unfortunate but it doesn't make them bad people.

When you have no intention of having children and you are not keen on them, you drift away from pregnant friends - you have no interest in a huge part of their lives, so why hang around? It is better to drift away than to tell the truth. I couldn't pretend any level of interest, and if I had tried, they would have seen right through me.

Find new friends, and try not to take it personally.

I think you have to be at the same point in your life to get on with friends (mostly). Some friends come and stay. Some come and go. C'est la vie!

I think the answer is in done of the replies on this thread.

Some women hate other women having babies.

You are better off without them.

A friend who drops you when you have a baby is no friend worth having.

I am still in the same circles but I maintained the same interests from pre kids and when I go out I have no desire to talk about my children. It is boring when people keep talking about children when your out.

I am still in the same circles but I maintained the same interests from pre kids and when I go out I have no desire to talk about my children. It is boring when people keep talking about children when your out.

Thats what hurt me so much Melissa, I have the same interests and would have loved to go out and have no kid talk, but I was never given the chance. If you are a baby bore then its understandable that people will distance themselves, but I wasnt but they didnt know that as they never gave me the chance to show it!

Well said Annarose

I can honestly see both points of view but have to say in this situation similar to bogey face I don't feel like I've even had the chance to go out and carry on with get togethers, they just pretty much cut me out straight away which is why it's been so painful. I can understand if I was constantly ranting about my DS but I never had the opportunity. They did the same to my DH, a month after our DS was born his BF since he was in school organised a big night out with all the lads and posted all over Facebook, great night out with all the lads #greatmates. My DH although he tried to hide it was quite upset at not even being given a thought to invite, ok DS was still quite young but what about all this 'wetting the babies head'!? His mate has hardly said two words to him since, no texts, he just about managed a happy birthday to my DH via Facebook! He didn't talk to us at out DS christening and when he did leave just walked past is saying 'I'm getting off', no thank you for inviting, been a lovely day, normal pleasantries!

In all honestly I don't see having kids as growing up, I don't think people should be forced to have kids because that's the 'norm', whatever that is!? Their immaturity stems down to their own self importance, they've honestly not changed since they were teenagers! I don't know why I'm getting myself so upset about it all, when I write it down I just think why the f&@$ do I bother! Lol!

Right, rant over! Ha ha thanks for listening! X