how can we deepen our connection?

[violet1986]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years, but lately it's felt like we're at a stalemate. We've always got on ridiculously well, had great sex, made each other laugh, enjoyed each others company and so on. But our relationship has never progressed past the 'I love you' stage.

I'm not sure if it's supposed to come naturally that we imagine our future as a couple lying out ahead of us, entwined with each other, but it just doesn't for us. We both struggle to automatically factor each other in to future plans.

I feel like we reached 'love stage' so easily but have yet to progress past it into 'life partners' stage. He thinks the same and we are actually currently on a break whilst we sort our heads out.

I have no idea if this is supposed to happen naturally or if it's something we can work on. I am completely distraught at the idea of not being with him, but I also think the relationship needs to be moving somewhere or what is the point.

If it's relevant, we have had problems in the past where I have been very guarded and fearful of getting hurt because of a very bad relationship a few years before we met. We have moved past this, but I am still terrified of getting hurt and although I try and push this thought away, I think it is still there on some level. I also think that he has a really idealistic idea of relationships and we have also had problems in the past where he has not accepted that relationships naturally have ebbs and flows.

What do you all think? Do you have any tips on deepening our connection and moving past this stage?

No tips but I would say that relationship stages ought to happen naturally. The fact it isn't here says to me it's not supposed to.

There usually comes a time where marriage, babies etc are discussed which lays the pathway for that natural progression. Have you discussed these things?

It's supposed to happen naturally whilst at the same time being given some thought. As the old marriage service put it.... (matrimony) is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God. If you have to work too hard on considering a future together, that risks taking it out of 'thoughtful' and into 'forced'. The fact that you're on a break says a lot. If you were really meant to be together, you'd be together.

I'm speaking from a very subjective standpoint here, but I think that you can't have a relationship with real connection when one or both parties are on their guard (or comparing the relationship to some ideal).

I suspect that sense of connection you seek comes from saying "yes", being committed to another flawed individual, taking the plunge, leaving yourself vulnerable to be deeply hurt, ...

I know I'm currently ballsing up a relationship because I'm sitting on a defensive fence until such time as I feel reassured that this is a worthy enough and safe enough relationship to commit myself to. So is he. We are both doing this due to past hurt, and we are getting nowhere with this behaviour, as you can well imagine.

I don't have the solution. Something is going to have to click into place for you to be willing to take that risk and commit yourself, again. However, I strongly suspect that it's not enough for only one partner to do that: you both need to be taking the same risk, simultaneously. Both partners need to feel secure enough, I think. If he's as insecure as you about relationships, I don't think any epiphany of yours will be enough to make this particular relationship work.

Would you be interested in therapy, to see if you can unpick why relationships continue to have you on your guard, even when you're (presumably) no longer in any danger?

It think it happens naturally, but with time. You can't force it. After 2 years together DH and I loved each other but were mid 20s and not particularly sure of what we wanted our futures to be for ourselves, let alone being able to factor each other in. Maybe it's just a question of timing - the longer you're together and the older and more sure you get of what you want, the more natural it will feel to picture your future together.

FWIW, DH and I broke up for a few months after we'd been together two years, as we felt the same as you. Then we got back together because we just knew we had to, and we've been together for decades now.

Are you looking to get married and settle down right now? If not, why force a 'connection' that's not there yet?

Obviously if you don't miss each other and aren't dying to get back together while you're on a break, you're probably just not right for each other...