A thank-you and a slightly confused wonder why!

[eventuallyintime]

Long time lurker, first time poster...

it took me a while to get over the situation with my ex boyfriend. he was a lot (14 years) older than me. We got together when i was 22. at that point it was great. but then he broke up with me (repeatedly). fast forward ---> a year later we lived together (not in a relationship at this point) altho he certainly acted as if it was! and then id beg him to get back with me, he always blew hot and cold! then he did get back with me and then broke up with me a week later saying he wanted to be friends. pattern continued until i went no contact and then a few months later he came crawling back, only to leave me again, and i begged him to stay but he left (still feel ashamed over that).

bit of background, he would ignore me in front of friends, he was always on and off with me, never really knowing what he wanted, he said he wanted to see 'where we were going'..

he really broke my heart. all i ever wanted was to love him. i feel like i've lost my dignity.

after two years of this, i went through his phone, discovered he'd been in touch with another woman (yes i know we were not together at this point so why should i care!?) but i did. and he was lying entirely about seeing her! he still was, they were still sleeping together! cue a quick trip to STI clinic! all was fine.... but now even tho i'm getting over it i can't help but feel like why did i love him so much! why do i sometimes imagine him being perfect! i guess i dodged a bullet as we don't have kids or house or legalities together but fuck! i just think how could i let someone get the better of me! and take so much advantage!

even tho i know what red flags to look out for in future relationships does that mean in the future if i meet someone all signs will go out the window and I'm back where i found myself!??

The man you're describing used emotional abuse to control you. The hot/cold thing of repeated break-ups and withdrawal/granting of affection was done as a way of dangling himself in front of you as a carrot... always a little out of reach... making you desperate for things to be perfect. It's significant that you were much younger than him because he would have seen you as, at best, naïve and, at worst, a good candidate for manipulation. The net result of this pattern of behaviour is that the victim becomes obsessed (not love, although it's easily mistaken), their self-esteem is rock bottom and they will do anything to keep the relationship going. Gotcha! If you'll forgive the observation, your self-esteem when you met may not have been all that high in the first place. Women often don't realise how much these men despise them.

Regarding the future, if you've managed to take a mental step back and look at the way it played out as if it had happened to someone else, you will have learned from the experience. Hopefully about yourself. 'Red flags' are useful but please be aware that emotional abuse can take many forms and there are many more ways to manipulate someone than the ways used by your ex-bf. Some people here recommend a book called 'Why Does He Do That?' I think this link is very good. Are you dating an Abuser?

In the meantime, do everything to boost your confidence and independence. Build a strong support network of friends and work hard on your self-esteem. If/when you get into another relationship, keep all the above going as a priority. The world is full of arseholes like your ex-bf, the trick is to reject them quickly rather than stick around for punishment.