Lorraine pascal (possible trigger)

[Bongobaby]

A couple of months ago I watched a documentary about Lorraine pascal and her childhood. It was very painful for her and she broke down in tears at her upbringing. She had been abandoned by her bio mother at a very young age and I think then adopted by a mum and dad but the mother didn't cope to well and had issues so Lorraine went into foster care.
Lorraine requested her old records from social services and found out some tough things that she hadn't known or forgotten about and it was hard to see her get distressed at what she was reading. I guess she wanted closure.
Lorraine is a remarkable lady to me and I went the next day to also request my social services records. I spent time in foster care after trying to take my own life as a 14 year old to get away from my toxic emotional and physical abusive mother.
These records are now ready for collection tomorrow and I now think shit aibu to want to drag up my past and aibu to want to ask for some hand holding please. I'm dreading what I may find out. But part of me wants and needs to let go of my abusive past and move on, then I have a wobble and think no don't do it.

I think that maybe back then these people saw their behaviour as acceptable. But it wasn't and it has made me really angry today that they treated me like that. It has formed most of my life, lack of self esteem and falling into more abusive relationships.
I would like to think that a psychiatrist should have shown some compassion.

Feeling so sad today about my past, I know I should put it behind me but struggling

I couldn't read and run. You've been horribly let down by people who should have been looking after you. I really hope you can find real happiness, you so deserve it.

I would like to have happiness and let go of the anger of how I was treated. It's so hard though to get my head around being that vulnerable young child that adults couldn't be arsed to help and they were supposed to.

Bongo my heart is breaking for the widespread and repeated ways that people let you down. Your bio mum sounds like a real shitbag. I would try to reduce her power by making your life as brilliant as it can possibly be and living as happy and fully as you can. Have you had any counselling so that you can put some of your pain to rest. Good luck bongo.

I have recently been diagnosed with ptsd due to my childhood and later on abusive ex partner. But I don't think I want to do the counciling, what if my now clinical psychologist thinks the same of me like when I last saw one at the hospital that time. It's bringing back a lot of fear in me hence why I'm struggling with myself today.

Oh bongobaby I don't usually post but I had to.

You deserved so much better than this. You were a vulnerable child and you needed and fully deserved people to step in and protect you from such vicious treatment. And you didn't get it, which breaks my heart.

You still deserve much better. You deserve kindness and understanding, healing and wholeness so that you can thrive.

I have started attending Co-dependents Anonymous which is helping me a lot, and my story isn't as bad as yours - but I still have issues with relationships, I can't set boundaries and I get treated badly by partners and family. It is completely accepting of everyone and everyone's story. It might help you too.

Keep trying with the counselling. Tell whoever you see that you want to say out loud all the stuff you've said here, and show how angry you are about what happened to you, things no child deserved, and that you should have been protected and no-one helped you. You might have to say it many times before it loses its grip on you.