8 years & 3 kids in, recurrent doubts

[sandybeaches]

NC for this.

I have a very wonderful husband & 3 fab children but seem to have cyclical doubts about how happy I am, how compatible my husband & I are & therefore how deeply I love him. I am a complicated fish (no doubt we all are) so I have no idea if this is vaguely normal or self sabotage or just means I married the wrong man.

He is a very good man, intelligent, emotionally mature & very very kind. He loves & adores me & it seems that simple for him. I know I love him deep down but sometimes I can't seem to access this often & it requires a bit of trauma or pain for me to feel it i.e. Pushing arguments to the brink of making him walk away (he wouldn't).

When the love isn't tangible for me, I pick him apart in my head. I privately wish he was more like (awful) ex boyfriend who was the charming, ambitious but completely mean to me type. Lots of massive absolutely heartache in this relationship for me but I knew I loved him as it was so god damn painful. My husband does not hurt me, I wonder if he is capable of hurting me. I don't think I'd ever let him

Please forgive these ramblings, writing it down helps clarify things a little. I am also aware I sound like a bloody 16 year old in my analysis of love etc. i think things are a bit skewed for me as my father was abusive. He would hit, throw drinks on me, push my face in food & call me a fcking bitch. These things didn't happen all the time (only when id wound him up & I was good at that) & were a very normal family really so I always feel I'm being dramatic or sensitive when I remember.

I chose & fell in love with my husband initially because he was so wonderful, nothing like my dad or ex. He felt so so healthy, & right for me. I don't know why he pick him apart.

Sorry, not sure why I'm posting. Perspective really.

Growing up with an abusive/neglectful parent is often damaging. Children need attention. If the only attention they can get is the negative, abusive type, and if the only way they can get it is through provocation, then that's a learned behaviour pattern that's going to be repeated. So that's one angle.

The other is the quality of the relationship itself. You say your DH loves and adores you. You describe him as kind and intelligent. Could it be that he's a little dull and 'safe'? Would you like things be a little more exciting? Because it's not an either/or thing. You don't have to accept 'mean' in order to get 'passion'. You don't have to sacrifice 'passion' in order to get 'kind'. You can have passion, excitement, kindness and emotional maturity all going on at the same time.

Well you can't help feeling the way you do sometimes! Sounds like you have issues you need to get past really, you seem to have a slightly skewed view on how love 'should' feel.

You say you know you love him deep down. I guess that's not enough? It's not always in-your-face screaming emotional stuff in long term relationships, especially with three kids and the daily grind of life. Come to terms with this and you might realise exactly how much love you have for him.

I have felt that feeling of 'clicking' / X factor with ex & not sure I have this with my husband. ( I am not talking about chemistry here, my husband & I when on form have the best sex I've ever had) I don't know what or how important that click is. Just feel like we're different kinds if people sometimes. I don't feel this all the time though.

Life can be a little dull as I'm a sahm to 3 under 5 but my husband is defiantly not boring. We used to have a riot pre kids.

That 'X-factor' is a tough one to define and it probably isn't about sexual chemistry. Well not in my experience anyway. Maybe it would be less of an issue if life was less dull generally? Do you make time for yourselves as a couple without the DCs much?

Considering your past relationship with your father, have you ever considered counselling? It might hello you to understand your feelings better and to appreciate that wanting to be with someone who mis treats you is harmful.

It sounds like your past is the problem here - not your marriage and not your husband. Rather than picking him apart in your head (which you know isn't helping) I honestly think you need an expert to help pick apart your own slightly warped thoughts on relationships. I hope that doesn't come across as offensive - that wasn't the intent.

Help you not hello you. Thanks auto correct...

These sound like intrusive thoughts

Hi op

Your testing your dh to see if you can get the same reaction re your ex and your dad, unconsciously you don't believe he is as good as he is. You are in effect waiting for the other shoe to drop, because he might be too good to be true.

If you kick a puppy enough it's what it will continue to expect, even if it's been adopted by new kind owners.

This isn't about your dh it's about you always being on high alert, I wonder if you are over anxious and doubt yourself a lot.
All of this needs unpicking and looking at with a decent counsellor you've learnt some really unhelpful lessons in what to expect in relationships, to the point where you don't recognise or except when a decent one comes along, and try to replicate past bad ones as these are your comfort blanket.

Your childhood has left you with a connection between love and emotional pain.

Try reading this

Pain is not love. I agree with PP that maybe a counsellor could help you.

Oh I've got this too.
It's like an addiction to cruel excitement gets in the pathways of your brain. And proper true gentle kind love doesn't hit the mark or seem 'enough'

I'm with some one I adore now who's kind and a proper good egg and I fancy him too but that lack of the roller coaster of emotions somehow feels flat occasionally. Which I suppose it is but that's good right? It's a Drama free zone.

It's new territory and I'm just hoping that as others have said above I don't do anything rash/ self sabotage, as there's everything right with the relationship, and only something wrong with my previous history of relationships including my dad too...who sounds spookily similar to yours.

I think I overthink and forget to appreciate sometimes too....trying to stop that and live in the moment.

I have wondered if taking up some adrenaline fuelled sport might help...!.

But OP please don't LTB. The alternative with the drama filled relationship really is too much.

Just to add to that...when I get the feeling that I am missing something now....I remind myself that what I'm missing is a shower of shit and crap.

'Excitement' is taking on a new meaning for me over time - peace, being myself, not being shouted at, being respected. They are things worth getting proper excited about

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It really is so helpful to read through your responses. It's wonderful to think that my husband & I might be ok. Counselling a good idea ( did have a little previously ). Just sorting kids. Will try to get back to thread later.

Agree with a lot of you that this sounds like it is very much your own problem, nothing to do with your marriage as such.

I would recommend therapy too, to get to terms with all that is in the past - the relationship with your dad - but influences all your future relationships.
A councellor would maybe not have enough experience of this sort of childhood trauma, but you could search for a specialist.

Your dh sounds like a good egg, not something you should throw away without a fight.
Only when you are sure that your past doesn't influence you in the way you suspect, and you are sure you don't really love him and want to spend the rest of your days with him, I would think about splitting up.

What you describe sounds very familiar to me, I had a phase of it, when the children were young and I was very stressed (stress is often a trigger for stuff like this). Thankfully I have a really good egg too and I realised what was happening.

I wouldn't want to be with anyone else ever.

PS and what you describe what your father did to you is not normal. It is abuse.

Hi OP I had an abusive dad too (emotional abuse all through childhood) and initially I did really well in relationships as I consciously chose people not like him and went for nice stable guys (who my friends liked; always a good sign). However it never felt right and I always ended these relationships, even though there was nothing wrong.
Then I picked an abusive man and that is who I had my DS with. Luckily I got out asap but apart from my lovely son it was a bad life decision. My one other partner since then also turned out to be emotionally abusive, but I clung onto him for far too long.
What is my point? That this type of childhood does affect our choices and leads us to make wrong decisions. I have finally realised I might need some counselling to deal with my shit childhood and how it has impacted on my adult life. Your relationship sounds good try and cherish it.

I agree though that finding a counsellor to help with this is a tricky tricky thing. I think specialist books will be as good.

Finding this interesting. A lot sounds familiar. I seem to have problems connecting to emotions and wonder at times do I love DH or am I with him because he loves me.

Hi just to add a counsellor would be find with this issue, I'm a counsellor/psychotherapist which means I work psychodynamically
As my core skill, but for short term work say 6/8weeks I also use CBT solution focused and a whole other host of tools.

An integrative counsellor would use whatever skill set the client needs but always person centred and using the core values and abiding by the BACP ethical guidelines.

You can go on to the BACP website and find an accredited counsellor in your area op.