Shocked by his gambling (sorry long)

[MessyMoo]

I found out on Wed evening that DP had placed regularly bets via his phone apps. I found this as I knew he had a bet on the World Cup and wanted to see what his winnings had been. Anyway I was shocked to see his betting seemed so regular, £25 one week, £30 the next. He also had 3 different bookie apps. For 2015 so far it was over £2k. So I emailed him saying 'I couldn't believe he would keep this to himself and why didn't he tell me'. I kept it vague as wanted him to tell me his problem, rather than me put words into his mouth.

He goes very quiet via text/email/ in person, although did mention that he knew he'd been spending too much on the betting, and had tried to put a cap on himself. Finally on the Friday he emails me saying he'd been doing it for 4 years, it had got out of hand and he was trying to stop.

We've only just got married 8 weeks ago and started ttc. We've been together 7 years and bought a house last summer.

I was so mad at what a waste of money it all was, especially given that we had the house, and wedding to save for.

We both work hard and have good jobs. In the past I've tried to get him to clearly lay out his spending/expenses so he could pay off some of his credit card debts that he had whilst a student. He always seemed defensive, but naively I put it down to him being a private person re: finances.

I feel so gullible, and a terrible judge of character, to not know this about someone I've been living with for 3 years. He's finally added up how much he's bet (since 2008) and turns out it's nearly £20k. He's only bothered to work this out as I told him I had to know or I walked immediately.

I don't know what to do, I feel like all our 'strong' foundations have just evaporated! Any advice? Please. I don't know who I can discuss this with IRL as I don't want them to judge me for not knowing. I've not slept because of this for nearly a week now.

Hi. I have just come out of a 7 year relationship with a gambler. He was very secretive and I never knew the extent of his problem till it all came to a head last year and I started to dig around for old bank statements. He blew thousands of pounds in the time I was with him! He refused to get help and refused to admit it was a problem. He said he could control it. The problem was that we had no family time as he was always working and our relationship was dying because of that. I'm relieved to be out of the relationship and he is still gambling and has nothing to show for all his long hours working. My advice is to insist he gets proper help. If he doesn't it's unlikely he'll ever stop gambling. It's the advice I was given, and it turned out to be true. I think I escaped being pulled down financially by him and I live a stress free life now I'm not listening to his lies about where all his money has gone. Sorry I can't be more positive but that is my experience of a gambler. I hope your partner hasn't got as addicted in which case he may turn things around. Hugs to you. Louise.

Oh Messy, I have no real practical advice - other than if I was you I would want to see him getting serious help, I might consider asking him to pay his wages direct to your account, and ask him to open up an account with "Noddle" so you can keep track of his credit cards. But, this is all gut reaction, I have no experience of this and no idea of the correct way forward. Hopefully somebody else has better help here.

On a more personal level, your shame has touched a nerve for me. My cousin has just got married, if she discovered her new husband had been gambling I would think no less of her at all, and (perhaps wrongly?) I would feel sorry for her DH being caught up in this too. Your family love you both, you will both need support in the coming months/years - I would suggest you call a meeting and speak to your parents and PIL together. All the best for the future.

Hmm, actually I would suggest your DH calls the meeting, and leads it - as that would show that he is facing up to what's wrong, and taking some responsibility.

After what SIL went through I'd say financially seperate now at the very least. It will always be an addication just one he's in recovery from!

Well .... throwing around large numbers like £20K isn't really helpful. That is seven years = £2850/y = £54 a week. Something that is a waste, but not an astronomical amount.

You should probably confront the hiding rather than the money ...

Thanks everyone for your messages. It is very tough seeing it all in black and white, but cathartic in a way too as until now it has just been rolling around in my mind.

Yes it is the secrecy that hurts the most. The wasted money makes me mad, but the deception is more painful. If someone is a liar, (or a truth hider), can they ever change?

I'm going to tell him he needs to seek help, irrespective of any other decisions. He's keeps saying he's sorry for upsetting me, but I'm still not sure he 'gets' it.

By chance this week we will not see each other until Thursday due to work commitments so I have some time out from him, but unfortunately not from the thoughts buzzing through my mind. We are just at the start of our marriage and had so many hopes for the future. I've always been adamant that without trust I wouldn't be in a relationship. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

Warysara, how do I begin to confront him hiding it? I've certainly made it clear that I am very angry about this part of it all.

Whilst we were saving for the house there was several months when I lived on very little, making each penny count towards our deposit. Now I find he was carelessly throwing money away during that time - it feels so unfair. I know I shouldn't focus on things like that, but I feel betrayed by the man that I married. He has had years to tell me about the betting.

MrsRochestersCat, I'm going to suggest he calls that meeting, if only to see his response to the idea of taking on the truth, it may give me a better understanding of if he is all words and no actions.

Louise, thanks for telling me your story - this is maybe all heading in the same direction. I don't know where to begin at rebuilding my life without him and the dreams for the future etc. I'm nearly 32 and it weighs on my mind that I may well be throwing away a chance of children if I become single. (Theoretically I know it shouldn't be a factor in all this, but it is)

I'm going to suggest that you talk to someone IRL that you can trust. What you're experiencing is stressful but you add more stress on top by feeling you have to keep someone else's grubby secret in order to avoid embarrassment.

What you have here is a breach of trust caused by selfishness, double-standards, disrespect and deceit. Worst thing that can happen to a relationship. You can't police trust back into a relationship and he can't promise trust back into it. All you can do is set out your expectations and the consequences there would be if he falls short. Then it's up to him to manage his behaviour, regain your trust and take the initiative. Suggest the bare minimum he does is give you full access to his bank and CC statements.

Do stop ttc until you get this resolved.