We need to stop having these stupid, destructive arguments- but how?

[stubbornstains]

I've been with DP for nearly 2 years. I have a DS, whom I had pretty much on my own, with whom DP has a great relationship. We don't live together- due to me wanting to take things very slowly (and also, I confess, having a terror of losing my independence). However, we have been discussing moving in with each other for a while, and are increasingly seeing it pretty much as a given. We have also taken the decision to TTC (yup, before moving in together. Because I'm 40, and time is not in our favour).

In general, DP is great- helpful, sensitive, good company. However, we occasionally have stupid, stupid destructive arguments over nothing.

Tonight, for example. It was about curry. Except that it wasn't about curry, obviously. It was about DP having worked solidly, with very little food or sleep (arguably his choice- he knew about the deadline for months in advance and decided to start work on the project a couple of weeks ago, with the result that he was unable to come on the nice camping weekend with DS and I that we had planned- a weekend that was, therefore, pretty hard on me too) all weekend.

It was about him making a throwaway comment about something and me contradicting him, as it's a subject that I know a lot more about. It was about him getting increasingly more het up and coming up with increasingly more ludicrous arguments to prove he was right, often contradicting himself. It was about me getting more and more het up because what he was saying wasn't true, or making sense any more, which is something that really distresses me (I should point out at this point that I suspect I have Asperger's, and find people saying stuff that they surely must understand doesn't make sense really bewildering and upsetting).

It ended in him accusing me of calling him a liar, and storming out. (I hadn't exactly, but did say "You just construct more and more ludicrous excuses to avoid admitting you're wrong!"). Just as I'd put the finishing touches to the nice dinner I'd cooked for the both of us, and on a night when I think I'm about to ovulate. So, I guess our chances of conceiving this cycle are pretty slim .

I'm starting to wonder if our relationship is going to survive incidents like this. We have to find a way through these arguments. Most couples are able to have enjoyable differences of opinion over random subjects without it turning into WW3, I'm sure. I don't know if counselling is the answer. I don't know if there is an answer. Any thoughts?

I recomend that you think before you contradict him . Before you say something think will it hurt him ? Im a marrige counsler and i dont think you need counsling

Think 'will it hurt him?'. So, he can talk complete nonsense about her area of expertise, and she cannot correct him for fear of hurting him. She must not complain about him not coming on a planned weekend for fear of hurting him? That's a one way street, is it not, if he does not extend the same courtesy to her.

OP, I am hoping you have not hooked up with my ex, because some of this sounds awfully familiar.

Arguments about nothing which are not actually about nothing. What he is asking you to accept here, and the walking out sets you up to fear he will abandon you and the family you want to create therefore he is making the stakes high, is that he can cancel family plans to suit his work schedule, he can override your knowledge of things to maintain his idea of himself as superior intellectually, and he can disregard the efforts you have made in cooking a nice meal (I am presuming he did not come back and apologise). All of this may have been triggered by the fact that he felt tired and guilty, but is an appropriate way of expressing tiredness to argue with your partner and stomp off?

An interesting question would be what would happen if you did not rise to the bait, that is, if you ignored him saying something wrong; whether he would find some other means of provoking an argument.

As I said, this reminds me of my xH, right down to not living together when TTC and age being an issue. The desire for a baby clouds your judgement. We had our baby; for about 50% of the weekends in the third trimester, he had work commitments. When dbaby was five days old, he flipped out at dd because she did not vacate the bathroom quick enough for him. I defended dd and this escalated into an argument where he walked out the door. DD was distraught because she thought it was her fault; I was distraught because I had a five day old baby; after an hour or so,, my friend phoned him and he was sitting in a cafe having breakfast and reading the paper. I am not even going to offer an interpretation of that story.

I fully agree with Romeyroo

You need to protect your son here, and your future children. You can still find someone else and have babies, but not while you're wasting time with this man.

While I agree that we should mind how we talk and say things in a way not to hurt other people, but it doesn't sound that's a problem you have. We should be able to say what we think and we should be respected in our opinions and knowledge.

I know a few men who'd argue the sky was green and they're not men I'd want sound me. ExH included.