marriage over, emotionally abusive stbxh won't leave

[confusedNC]

I've posted several times in recent weeks. Can't link from phone sorry, but not 'd'h says he wants to separate.

He hasn't left. I've come to parents to try and get head together. I really need to think about going back.

I've got job interview looming which I have to prepare for but I can't just return to living the hell I have for last few years.

He's told my mother that we've been living separate lives for years anyway. Not true. I've been living a confusing, shifting sands,one minute ok next minute nasty rollercoaster. I've ended up ill with high bp from stress.

What do I do? I need short term fast answer. I want to persuade him to go even just for fortnight whilst I do interview but don't think he will. but I reckon I might flunk it anyway if I have to live out of suitcases or in house with him. Shit options.

Why do you specifically need to be in that location to prepare for the job interview?

On the more general point, an emotionally abusive man is motivated by control. He will be enjoying your discomfort and will not be persuaded to move out or do anything else that might make your life even a microscopic bit easier... unless he thinks he can get something in return of course. Yes, every direction on the signpost from here is a bit shit.

So I'd suggest you place the whole thing in the hands of solicitors, don't go back to the house, drop all contact (you don't mention DCs?) make the best of your suitcase existence and the interview... and don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction.

Hope your DM told the lying little shit to go fuck himself... :)

If you haven't already I'd go back and grab anything of value, pets etc.
Good luck with the interview, and I hope it's the start of a better life for you!

I think you will gain a sense of empowerment if you go and see a solicitor. Then the suitcase scenario won't seem so bad. You are taking steps to a better future and I wish you luck. Do keep posting

Thanks. My parents are hours away from where I live. I grabbed only what I could when I left. Have minimal toys for ds. All my text books are at home. Trying to work here is nigh on impossible. I'm not getting the time or able to concentrate. I have laptop and am making do but this is a nightmare and feel like I'm going to blow my chance. I just can't prepare the same.

He upset my mum on phone as I have been nc for few days. Hearing his voice hurts. It sounds like bloke I thought I loved.

I've emailed tonight, rightly or wrongly. Told him it's in his interests for me to get job. If I don't, me and ds will poss have to move away. I've asked him to go for just couple weeks to get past this first bit.

Sadly mum can't cope. Ended up in tears. My parents have had enough already and this is just the start.

Saw local solicitors. I feel like they were just telling me to value house, work out if I can afford it alone, said csa all changed and just feel like nothing in my favour. Said need see local one to me but I'm 100s miles from home. I have to go back but I can't be there with him. I have to go to my doctor for tests asap too. :(

The strength of your reluctance to be back under the same roof suggests that either his treatment of you was extremely bad or you fear you'll lose some of your resolve. If it was the former, have you considered talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and asking their advice? I'm sure many women, fleeing abusive relationships, end up finding themselves at a distance from home and disadvantaged in other ways. They may have some suggestions.

Did the solicitors you spoke to understand that there was a domestic abuse element to your case?

Cogito you've not recognised my nickname. Sorry I've not linked to other thread.you've been chatting to me on other threads. The husband who went on hols with mum.

Yes spoke to women's aid but not since he said about separation. The solicitor did know about emotional abuse. I'd need to read notes again. She did say talk women's aid again too. Said something about non-molestation order if he started being threatening.

I just want to deal with very short term. My son needs to go home with his toys. I feel awful.

My reluctance is partly that I think his behaviour will just be exactly as it's been... Bullying, hurtful, selfish. I can't be cooking and washing for him, but it'll be same dynamic.the stress has made me ill already. It's no good for our son. He knows something is up.

My resolve.. Well I don't want to stay married to him. But I can see me lapsing into trying to have easy life and avoid rows by complying.

Sorry for not recognising your nickname. With behaviour as bad as you describe, I think you must stay away with your DC, make the best of your circumstances, proceed with the divorce using a solicitor local to where you are now and start fresh in due course. Give him zero leverage over you and your DS because it will be exploited. Arrange to have someone collect your things, for example.

I think you'll have to resign yourself to the idea that you may not be successful with this particular interview and that your long term life plans may have to go on hold until things are settled. Call it Project Dead Wood and make it your top priority. It's a price worth paying to get this man properly out of your life.

I remember you! Such a relief that you got away although this is phase one and there's more change to be done before you are settled in a new place.

Compliance is not an easy route at all. You've got this far too it would be totally negative to put yourself back in jail, so to speak.

Cog is right. There may be some short term sacrifices to be made like this particular interview. Though you might just give it a go and see what happens. The priority needs to be you getting further and further out of his reach by way of making plans and getting into the whole process of freeing yourself and DC.

So, going to give Project Dead Wood a go?

I should probably change name again cos although I have lots of decisions ahead, I'm not confused about tbxh behaviour anymore. The penny has finally dropped. He has not loved me for a long time if he ever did. It was all a lie.

He told me it's been over for years, since before our son was born. It finally makes sense. Nothing I did or didn't do would ever make a difference. It hurts but somehow I feel a strange relief if that's the right word. Just for it all to make sense at last.

I'm now dealing with some very nasty behaviour and it's worrying me for future dealings. I was trying to be positive, that maybe it'll calm down but I don't think it will. I'm actually quite scared. :(

So yes deadwood is on. And I'm wrestling with whether my beloved job is going to just have to be another casualty. Nothing is worth my health. It's been a massive week and it's only the start.

Thanks anyone listening.