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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Been dumped. Heartbroken :(

20 replies

deckingdisaster · 21/07/2014 19:29

Will try and keep this brief. 8 months ago I met the most wonderful man through mutual friends. I had been through a messy divorce 3 years previously and hadn't dated so I was very nervous about jumping in again. He has 2 teenage daughters, roughly the same age as my 2 daughters, the girls got on really well and for the first time since my marriage broke up, I felt that a positive future was on the horizon and I was happier than I had been in a long time.

We got on so well. He was going through a divorce and was living in a house he owned before he married his wife, that he used to rent out. We had trips away together, talked about selling our houses once his divorce had gone through and buying somewhere together. He was the most kind, passionate, caring person I have ever met. Last week was a normal week. I'd booked us a surprise trip away to the new forest for the weekend, I had no inkling that anything was wrong. Anyway, Thursday morning he called me and asked if he could come over after work as he wanted to talk to me. I honestly thought he was going to propose. He came over and told me that he had to end our relationship as he was going to give things another go with his wife for his daughters sake. He said he would always love me but his love for his kids was stronger. I asked him to come away for the weekend trip i'd booked at least so we could say goodbye properly. He reluctantly agreed and said he would pick me up on Saturday morning. When I came downstairs on Saturday morning there was an envelope lying on the mat with a note in saying I'm sorry and a cheque for £500 to cover the cost of the trip. I tried to ring him but is number is coming up as unavailable. I went to his house but his neighbour said he moved out on the Friday and told her he was going back to his wife.

I am heartbroken and devastated. I can't eat or sleep. I miss him so so much. I know its early days but I don't think I'll ever get over him. Will this feeling pass? Will it get better?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 21/07/2014 19:33

I'm sure he will get his just desserts when the old problems in his marriage resurface. Can I ask what the reason for their separation?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/07/2014 19:35

Just keep telling yourself hes a cowardly, selfish bastard, who involved kids in a new relationship when his marriage still had a question mark over it.

You'll move on in time.

Deftones · 21/07/2014 19:42

How awful for you Sad

Must have been a shock too!

handfulofcottonbuds · 21/07/2014 19:43

What an awful, cowardly way to end your relationship, I'm so sorry for you.

I agree with PP that the old problems with his marriage will resurface. He is a coward to use his DCs as a reason to you for going back.

You need to concentrate on yourself now though. Yes it is early days and you will get over him, you will.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/07/2014 19:45

Is he planning to ditch the mutual friends, I assume you might cross paths at some point.

YvyB · 21/07/2014 19:50

It will pass and it will get better. But in the meantime be kind to yourself and let yourself get upset and maybe angry too. He was a coward. His wife has got herself a real prince there.

Try and think of it like buying a gadget - you invest in something shiny and new, say a posh food mixer. For a while it works perfectly and your cooking is transformed. But then it breaks. Do you a) weep hysterically, blame yourself for how you obviously did something wrong to make it break and then never cook anything again or b) take it back to the shop, get your money back and return to cooking all the perfectly acceptable, nutritious meals you did before whilst asking yourself whether you actually NEEDED the mixer at all (and then spending the refund on something lovely, such as new shoes, instead)?

At no point would any sane person blame themselves for a gadget breaking. Don't blame yourself for this either. It is sad and it's very normal to be upset but at the end of the day the packaging and advertising promised more than the product delivered. Have a good cry (or several), accept it will take a while to feel contented again and round up your friends to be on call for the times you would normally have spent with him.

Good luck x

handfulofcottonbuds · 21/07/2014 19:52

How are your daughters? I imagine it's hit them hard too Thanks

Thatslife72 · 21/07/2014 19:55

Oh you must be devastated ! It doesn't feel like it now but that horrible feeling in your stomach will slowly disappear, it won't be there for ever. You may feel like you need to talk to someone a friend a relative even a councillor if need be. When you start to feel a little stronger or even now book a holiday for you and your girls money permitting that's what helped me clear my head! Then you will slowly build your life up again and eventually learn to trust again! If you need to talk to someone I'm a very good listener x

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 21/07/2014 19:56

You poor thing :(

GirlWithaPearlEarring · 21/07/2014 19:57

Going to take a different tack. I know that you are hurting terribly, but based on how nice you and kind you say this man is in your post, it is very possible he is genuine and wants to try and heal his marriage. This is his perogative. Giving his child a stable home is worth giving any marriage a second chance. Whether it will work remains to be seen. Possibly, he really felt something for you but wasn't yet ready to make the full break from his family (as it is with wife and children)

He was completely wrong to date you whilst he had emotional unfinished business. I have to say, any time you date someone married - even if they are 'going through a divorce' you take a massive risk of being used - even unintentionally, as emotions and practicalities are still not fully worked out and dealt with. A person going through a divorce needs time to sorth themselves out.

No consolation to you though. Do you have any friends you can lean on at this time?

littleSpud · 21/07/2014 20:04

OMG op

I'm so so sorry

What a complete cowardly shit

I have the feeling he will come crawling back to you when it doesn't work out with xw. Tell him to fuck off if (when) he does. Been there done that Sad

Vivacia · 21/07/2014 20:05

I too can't see his actions as all that bad.

I really feel for you and the daughters. What must they be thinking??

FrontForward · 21/07/2014 20:11

I feel for you. That must be such a shock and I hope in time your loss moves onto an angry stage because he's been careless with your emotions

chaseface · 21/07/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrianofWay · 21/07/2014 20:51

What he did wrong was lie to himself about the relationship with his wife. And then tell you the same lies. So sorry x

littleSpud · 21/07/2014 22:04

Feel sorry for the dc as well who have been introduced to eachother and now no longer in eachothers lives Sad

SoleSource · 22/07/2014 02:12

If he has treated you in such a cold, cowardly manner and you feel that the way he ended the relationship/friendship so coldly and you yourself would never cast aside a lover in such a way, you know what he has done is wrong in every way.

You are therefore a better person than he as you have a heart and a conscience.

When he comes crawling back and if you take him back, it will end in tears.

I pity his wife more than you and his children.

You are not to blame!

His loss, seriously, he obviously doesn't realise what a good woman he has let go of.

It was what it was, enjoy the rest of your life's journey, we never know who is just around the corner for us.

This will make you stronger and better x

SoleSource · 22/07/2014 02:14

They often say that the way to heal a heartbreak is to find someone knew, allow a few weeks to go by and go dating. Wallowing and waiting for him will get you nowhere, been there done that!!

TalisaMaegyr · 22/07/2014 07:19

To be fair, as much as I feel for the OP, he hasn't treated her in a 'cold cowardly manner', has he? He's just been honest Confused

Sorry though, OP Thanks You'll feel better soon, I promise.

Frogisatwat · 22/07/2014 07:39

You poor thing. How are you this morning? Ok so he has been 'honest' but he hasn't been at the same time iyswim! He should never have dated you if a reconciliation was on the cards with his wife and he would have known. For this you can get angry (obviously not to him) but hopefully you will see him as a dishonest shit and begin to recover.

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