Child Abuse and apologists. . . Why?

[WellnowImFucked]

This may be a long post and parts may be upsetting.

We've been friends with, call him A for a few years, he was introduced to our circle of friends by a friend of OHs who he was dating. Though some of us had kind of known him for years before due to growing up in same town, knowing the family etc. Anyway they broke up amicably but due to shared hobbies/mutual interests, he remained in touch/part of the group. Even his ex counted/called him a friend.

About 4/5 months ago he started seeing B, who none of us knew, she seemed nice, but we started seeing a lot less of him. Which we all got, hanging out with an ex's group of friends isn't for everyone. And of course in the first flush of a new relationship you just want to spend time together

Next thing we heard was he'd moved in with her, fast, but he's always been impulsive.

Just to make clear we don't all live in each other's pockets but because of the shared hobby of half of the group they all see each other weekly, or at least every two weeks and until week before last he continued to go.
And because of a few big birthdays within the group we've seen each other socially more than normal, A & B included.

So last week one of the hobby group calls me in bits, had I heard about A? She was so upset I thought he was dead (would have been better if he was). He's been accused of (historic) rape and sexual abuse of a minor, is going to court soon. She'd found out via the police, they'd been in touch as they have children of the same age. Not 100% sure why they got in touch as he's never had any contact with the kids, thank Gods.
Her husband was so convinced that this was some sort of mistake he got in touch with A, not an error, he didn't confess as such but did say they have a 'good' case and he's expecting a prison sentence. Did not deny it once, which to me is as good as a confession.

Friend was abused as a child so this has brought up all sorts of stuff for her and she's finding it very difficult so there's been a few late nights with her, me and a third friend. In the course of these chats, Friend brought up B, how awful it must be for her, we all know how his ex is feeling; again needing a lot of support; she was raped as an adult and this has sent her back to counselling.
Friend suggested contacting B, wanted her to know we were there for her, didn't tar her with the same brush, after all we'd known him for longer and never suspected a thing/noticed anything.

Yea we all know that abusers/rapists/paedophiles don't come with warning labels, but he'd never so much come out with an off joke/comment.

So we get in touch, and she's standing by him. To say I'm shocked is. . .

I so couldnt believe it that I doubled checked that she knew exactly what he was accused of, and his reaction & comments. And yes she does, as far as she's concerned he 'made a mistake'. He's told her the truth and for that he deserves her support.

Now I admit this is second hand but we've also been told by a credible source, that the police are convinced that this is not his only offence so I'm wondering if others have reported but there hasn't been enough evidence till now. We told her all this with the proviso that this was second hand but wanted to be sure she had all the info. And again got the response 'He's told her the truth and for that he deserves her support'

I cannot believe that there are people like this in the world.

I mean you know that there are apologists out there, but like most I assume that the average person is good or at least has good intentions and while I judge him harsher I cannot get my head around her attitude.
And I get the whole you'd feel different if it was your father/brother/husband, innocent till proven guilty.
Seriously, I mean if there had been in a longer relationship/had children together/ even if there was some financial penalty for her leaving him I could maybe get it on some level. But no.

I even asked her how she'd feel if it comes out that there are more offences because she's adamant that this was a one off mistake, though I don't understand how you can mistakenly rape a child. Her response was there'll aways be people to jump on the bandwagon. . .

I don't want to use the word victim, friends are very adamant about this. They are survivors not victims.

I know this post has been all me me me but I have nowhere else to vent. OH is away working and would lose the plot anyway.

I just can't get my head around her attitude, and honestly I don't want to.

But seriously I know that the actual abusers are the real bad guys but why can't these apologists see that they are just as bad, that by hiding it/ excusing it they're creating an environment that allows this to happen.

I just can't understand.

I don't want to understand. I just, well I don't know what I want/need other than to vent.

Sorry

She's in love. And she doesn't want to believe it, because that would mean admitting a) that she's been sleeping with a sex offender and b) that her judgement is wrong. And if she's wrong about this, what else is she wrong about? Being wrong means her whole world is wrong, and she's probably just not in a place to accept that.

Sorry you are going through this, but I think all you can do is support your friend while stepping away from B.

I can't explain it, sorry. It does appear to me that some people will excuse anything from minor to major, simply to uphold a relationship.

Love and loyalty do strange things to people. If someone wants to believe the best about person they think they love, they will find ways to rationalise it. One person's unforgiveable sin is another person's terrible mistake in the right context.

'He's told her the truth and for that he deserves her support'
'she's adamant that this was a one off mistake'

The thing is, he's told her his version of 'the truth' in which, somehow, he manages to make out that this was just some odd kind of lapse, that it was a one-off, that it wasn't really rape, etc, etc, etc... and faced with the choice of believing him or believing faceless 'officials' she is still clinging to the idea that it isn't really that bad.

I'd guess that when actual details come out in court, she will then have to face up to the fact that his excuses just aren't good enough.

If you can, maybe try to give her space so that if/when she sees the truth of this, it doesn't have to be a complete 'told you so' / 'got it totally wrong' situation. I think she'll quite likely need a lot of support then, and if she's dug herself too deep in beside him, that will be difficult for her to admit.

Don't forget there's also the factor of low self-esteem which B might easily be suffering from. People with low self-esteem, believing that the person in front of them is the best they can do, will excuse away all manner of dreadful behaviour. Violence, abuse, infidelity, crime, deceit, ... if someone has set the bar low, all of these things can be rationalised.

I agree with what the others have said. It could also be the case (and I've experienced this first hand with people trying to excuse the abuse I suffered) that B was abused in the past by someone or is currently being abused by A. Accepting that you are/have been abused is very hard, sometimes it's easier to think "oh it was a mistake" or "just one of those things." My own mother totally dismissed the abuse I went through, I think because it's easier for her to think abuse is just one of those things, rather than to realise that a lot of the men in her own life and men in the world in general want to hurt women and will do so without much fear of retribution. She was abused herself, and dealt with it by pretending it was no big deal. Of course then she had to make out my abuse was also no big deal or she would have had to admit that she was a victim. In Catholic society, especially in her era, being a victim of abuse was far far worse than being an abuser. It was a massive source of shame. So, far better to pretend it wasn't abuse and that you weren't a victim than have to accept that shame.

It's all part of the fucked up way society has convinced women they are to blame for men hurting them. Unfortunately because there is very little evidence to the contrary (in terms of prosecutions and attitudes of the general public) a lot of women don't question it, and end up supporting and enabling abusers. Hopefully with the high profile abuse cases this will change somewhat although it'll be a long time I think before abuse will be seen entirely as the abuser's fault.

It is very disappointing that your friend is behaving this way. But it's likely that she is going through a really complicated mix of emotions. It's worth remembering A is to blame, not her, and even though supporting him is hard to understand, supporting people is still not inherently wrong or criminal. Focus your anger on A.

lots of people victim-blame or minimise abuse because they, themselves, are survivors but are unable to face up to their own pain/how incredibly badly they were treated. they don't want to identify with the survivors they hear about in any way, it's simply too painful, so they side with the aggressor and then dig their heels in and refuse to do anything but take the aggressor's part.

it's no-one's fault. it's just another example of human weakness. doesn't make it any less dreadful though.

i'm terribly sorry about all this. it sounds like your friendship group just had a bomb slung into it. take your time and try to vent to each other rather than getting emotionally enmeshed in A's court case/how his gf is dealing with it.

Words fail me. I couldn't do what she is doing. He is a vile individual and if he was my friend he wouldn't be anymore. His life is about to implode especially when he gets locked up for his crimes.

Has he been found guilty of anything yet?

some people are in love and blinded (though I cant help feeling quite a few know there's somethign wrong deep down, but not all)

Some people can't face incidents in their own lives and so close their eyes

Some people just don't care, I'm afraid.

Some people also believe in forgiveness and believe that people can change. Some people are v loyal and will support someone even if they don't agree with or are appalled by what they have done. Some people want to keep the status quo and so minimise things so they don't have to change. Lots of reasons really

Thank you to those who have responded.

We will have nothing to do with him ever again, we've left the door open to her.we all accept that B may be a victim herself.

I'll admit I'd die for OH and depending on the situation may well kill for him, but this? Even after nearly 20 years together, I'd walk away.

I'm just so scared by the fact that there are people that can/will explain this away.

I mean I know it intellectually, but to see it for real. . .

It's grooming- sex offenders are very, very good at picking out women who will be vulnerable to being groomed by them and colluding with or allowing them to continue abusing. That is likely to be what has happened to B, and sadly having been raped may have made her more, not less, vulnerable to this.