Apologies in advance, probably long one...(and which will out me to anyone in RL but hey!)
Background. DS is 20. He has 2 year old twin half sisters. I divorced his violent Dad when he was wee, remarried and he was v close to his Stepdad who ran off with OW, no contact...I, I am ashamed to say, resorted to alcohol and had a breakdown and was hospitalised three times...but have hauled us out of the mire and am sane and well again (sober for a year now). Hallelujah. Life is genuinely good now and for the first time in my life I am content; I'd like everyone around me to be like that too.
Through all this DS and I have been v close. Bit of a team. Some amazing times. And obviously some not so good as well. We could wind each other up no end but he is fiercely loyal and kind and loving. He's (very) high functioning Asperger's. My absent minded Professor. Super bright, in an unusual way. But has had to work really hard on organisation and social skills. He still can't get his head round tact. And, while he has friends at Uni and is actually sharing a house with friends next year, he doesn't have that burning desire to get out and socialise. So isn't seeing anyone this summer hols, just spending his time learning Japanese, as you do...So he's only having contact with me, his sisters, my partner and his teacher all summer, plus when family/my friends visit. He seems cool with that, so I try not to force it.
Soooo...we used to have adventurous holidays all the time together. They were ace. A few months ago he asked me a bit mournfully whether the fact I now had DP and the twins meant we wouldn't have a holiday just us ever again. My heart obviously, somewhat pathetically, melted through my toes with gratitude - he still wants to spend time with boring old Mum! - and we've just got back from a week's adventure, just the two of us.
I thought we were having a fantastic time. At one point I actually had a wee weep in my B&B room because it was just so lovely. Life as it should be. But we were having a little sit on a beach and I apologised again for everything I'd done over the years, and not done...he nodded, and said it was all ok, and he loved me. But then said he didn't LIKE me. That this holiday had reinforced for him that we didn't have a shared interest, there was nothing we did together, no common ground. And that was making him sad.
The defensive part of me was (in my head) saying - what do you think we're doing now?! Spending a week together, somewhere we love, chatting away in the car about his Uni subjects (which I've read up on), having lovely food (which we're both into - we even visited a restaurant we'd seen on Great British Menu that he wanted to go to!), I was telling him about my new career which is in an area kinda linked to his subject, talking about his future plans, there were jokes, cuddles...And also I'm not meant to be his friend. I'm there to be his safe harbour, which I think I am now. He should be chatting to mates, sharing activities with them. He can't look to his DM to provide on every potential relationship front.
But I didn't say any of that. Because it's irrelevant isn't it? It's how he feels. And, like lacking the impulse to socialise, it may be different to me, but it's his reality. I just apologised, and said I'd have a think, and that, if it mattered to him, I was having a glorious time being with him, and it was precious.
Maybe it IS me. I do find him quite tricky to converse with. He's got the typical black/white Asperger thinking so it's hard to have a debate and sometimes I can feel a bit bullied/get irritated with him/feel talked down to; he gets very fixed. He agrees we share food and travel as interests, but says (rightly) they're things to DO, not talk about. He did say maybe History might be something to think about. We've been watching Simon Schama together and chatting about that.
What would you do, o wise MNetters? It's important I crack this one, because I think, given my little professor wants to become a real one, I think he's going to be at or around home for years to come. Have any of you successfully formed an adult relationship with an Asperger DC? Have you been all things to them? Or have you found a way of convincing them you shouldn't be? And is it bad of me to be counting the days till he gets a girlfriend, believing that would solve so many of the issues?!
Help please. I love him sooo much. I just want him to be happy; I hate it when he's not.