This morning I feel utterly low and my head feels like its fit to explode!
To cut things short, Yesterday DH and myself had a heated debate and then when I got upset he accused me of playing a victim, his words to me were "its always all about you"
He will never back down and more than likely there will be a wall of silence when he comes home from work, unless I break the ice first!
We have been married for 25 years and have had our share of ups and downs but nothing that major, I've always said he is my best friend and that I can always rely on him but there is a lot, especially lately, that I'm getting more downhearted about, and I don't know if its control or about feeling trapped. I've told him that he gets angry much too quickly and also shouts very loudly at times. I tend to keep quiet about how i'm feeling sometimes, it can be very hard to discuss things with him.
Dh is very generous, (too much sometimes), will help anyone out, and everyone thinks hes a great bloke, but I'm starting to think that he is a bit selfish, maybe even self-centered, if that makes sense?
He retired a few months ago and we planned to spend time together, have no money problems for a while and generally enjoy our new phase of life. All went nicely for a little while, but that was until he started to get bored, which I fully understood, we always planned that perhaps he would get something part time, but then a full time job came along instead!
He was very keen and said life would be good as we would have no money worries etc and could get our house finally sorted. We didn't really discuss him not taking the job, though he knew I was upset. So it was back to being on my own and trying to find ways of filling my time, which can get very lonely. I have a new health problem so it means that I now have some restrictions with things I could do before.
Saying that though, I don't rely on him all the time and I also work a few part time hours a week.
Before he retired we were thinking of moving house, I had dreams of a new place, all clean and decorated, bigger rooms etc and he seemed quite keen at first but then later decided he really didn't want to move afterall and that if I did want to then he would go along with the plan but I would have to deal with it all myself, which to me seemed very unfair.
He talked me into having major work done here to expand, and to be honest I seemed keen myself at first but then just got fed-up with the whole idea, especially as its dragging on and we have already had problems, and the build hasn't even started yet, I just don't see the joy in improving this house. Plus the amount that needs doing it would have been cheaper to move, and we will be in effect taking a mortage out again!
The other night I tried to discuss taking a holiday, there is a place that I have always wanted to go, but he said no that he doesn't fancy going there, so I know what will happen we will end up going somewhere he likes and which I find just ok.
I sat there and thought for goodness sake, he has always made all the major decisions, so I pointed this out but he just got annoyed and said that it was very unfair of me to say that because its not true!
I'm sat here now wondering what the hell to do, I'm fed-up and feel like throwing the towel in and saying i'm not having any work done here, I'm taking a solo holiday and that I may well run away and not ever come back! Am I really being the selfish one in wanting something for me?
Seriously though I feel like my heart is breaking and that if I did go I honestly don't think that he would be upset, he is very stubborn so would stay angry at me and as usual would say that I am playing the victim!
He will never back down, or admit he is wrong, and if I was to suggest I move out for a while, I know for a fact he would say "no I will go" and then go and pack his stuff, afterall he has the car( I don't drive anyway). I'm starting to think that he really doesn't care enough about me anymore and that I honestly wouldn't be missed.