how to get over a relationship

[Hmmm2014]

I have left DP about 2 months ago. But now feeling very low indeed. I have realised since asking him to leave that actually he was abusive emotionally towards me and my children. Lots of criticism, we couldn't do right for doing wrong, we were never "good enough" and we couldn't please him. We all walked on eggshells every single day. No communication, no loving talk, very little laughter, lots of humiliation and very little respect.

But even though I realise all of the above, it still hurts like hell. I am up and down - so glad to have escaped one minute, and wanting to be hugged the next. I am mourning the promise of what he said he was, and how he acted in the beginning. I feel I was tricked, deliberately or not, I was tricked by a man who promised to be one thing, but turned out to be entirely different to that.

To top it all, he has started a new relationship with someone who was my friend. That feels really horrific. Although not until after I finished the relationship, I still feel betrayed. I had spoken to her about my concerns about him and our relationship, and how he treated me and my children. She has been warned what he is like! I wake up every morning with the thought of them in my head. That will stop once I start to recover I suppose.

Anyone got any good advice for how to get over this? I know time will heal, and I have cut as much contact as I can with him, and all contact with her. But really I want to shout and tell them how hurtful they are being. I am seeing a counsellor. I can see that my DCs are much much happier in almost every way, so I KNOW that this was the only decision I could have made. I also know that in the end I too will be much much happier - but at the moment I feel a bit like a heroin addict who is going through cold turkey.

I guess I just have to live through it, and keep reminding myself that missing him, or rather feeling the gap he left behind, is better than living with him! I remind myself daily of why I finished it - to remind myself just how terribly lonely and distressed I was in the relationship.

So why does it hurt so very much???

You sound like a very intelligent woman who has done the very best thing she could for herself and her DC.

Your future, and that of your DCs, is not with XDP and his abusive ways - you know that - you're just not sure what the future is at the moment.

I'm not wise enough to give you any advice, other than to say hug your DCs and be so very glad XDP is out of your lives. But the wise ones will be along soon to help you.

And may your 'friend' get everything she deserves from her relationship with him silly, silly girl

I think abusive relationships can hurt for such a long time afterwards because they were always built on 'the triumph of hope over experience' (bit of Shakespeare there). By which I mean that you have spent years and years feeling OTOH knowing the way you were being treated was horrible but OTOH desperate for his affection. So you stuck around hoping it would get better and that's a very hard habit to break - cold turkey is about right.

Maybe you believed he really loved you but didn't know how to show it? Maybe you thought you were at fault and just had to be a better person? Now that he's out of the picture it doesn't stop you being desperate for affection, or upset that he's found someone new, or gutted at the crunching realisation that he simply didn't care about you after all.

There's no quick way past this unfortunately. Glad you're in receipt of counselling. Otherwise, just live your life as fully as possible, make plans, be busy, enjoy the small stuff.... and maybe light a candle for the silly bitch who is his next victim, eh?

Thanks both of you. I think I just wish someone could wave a magic wand and make it better. They can't.

Yes, Cog, I believed he loved me but didn't know how to show it - because that's what he said. Time and time again, he would apologise for treating me badly, promise to change, and then there would be a period when he'd try really hard, but it would always always slip. There were reasons from his childhood that explained how he was - but he never addressed them other than to use them as an excuse. I stuck around, made him go to counselling, tried so hard to keep him happy that I made myself nervous. Even 2 weeks ago, he was telling me he believed I was "the one" - but I wasn't having any of it.

Yes, I will light a candle. Unless he has a lobotomy or a brain transplant, he can't do anything but become that same person again (as he did with his ex before me, I now discover - we have talked and share a lot of similar stories).

I think I'm just lonely.

You are just lonely, a void has been left that you need to fill, with nice people, not him.

Yes, you're right. At least a hole can be filled in with something else. I am no longer living the nightmare...

So how are you and your DC going to fill that hole OP?

What things are going on in your community that might interest you/be worth a try/pass a few hours?

Well, I have lots of friends and the DCs have loads of friends, so lots of meeting up with people. That really helps. The DCs belong to clubs etc. so life is very busy in that respect. In terms of free time, I do have a hobby I enjoy, so I am throwing myself into that, and luckily it's a sociable hobby, and I have a lot of friends who also do it. I do a lot of fitness too, so that's helpful. It's more the long evenings (but I am starting to invite friends over to share a pizza/bottle of wine), and first thing in the morning that I'm struggling with.

The DCs have said (independently of each other) that they don't miss him, they just feel that life is better without him here. So for them, the trauma isn't so awful. He isn't their dad, and they have a great relationship with their dad, so that is a blessing.

I do have a lot of support from friends who knew how awful it was. So I know I am lucky. In fact, the more I write on this thread, the more I realise how much I do actually have going for me. And I know I'll be ok once I'm through this horrible hurting stage. Part of it is coming to terms with how I let him treat me - I am angry with myself for that.

Thanks to you all.

That feeling of being angry at being taken in and manipulated for so long will stick with you, I'm afraid. But please remember that you woke up to it and asked him to leave. Once you realised what was happening you eventually put a stop to it. That's not as common as you think. Many people never find the courage.

Thank you.

I didn't really realise the extent of the emotional abuse until after I'd asked him to leave. I spent time rationalising it - "he's stressed", "he's tired", anything but "he's an arsehole"!! I just knew I was desperately, desperately unhappy, and that he was causing it.