bisexual husband? and emotional abuse

[skislope77]

I have previously posted about my controlling and (only occasionally ) verbally abusive husband and have received unanimous advice to leave as he won't change. The points of view given to me on this forum have made me want to leave him (a massive leap for me) now that I am making plans to actually do it my brother has revealed that my ex (and father to my 2 children , I also have a baby boy with STBXH) had expressed concern to him after one of my STBXH's ex'es spoke to him and revealed certain things about a liason she had with him years ago including that he gave her an std (yes I have been tested) and that she has heard he is bisexual (news to me but he does say he would prefer anal sex to normal sex and is very homophobic). This has made me wonder if he is living in aome sort of denial amd this is the cause for him treating me with contempt (more so since I've had our son) I know the answer to this is that I need to detach from him, I can't fix him and I shouldn't care but I think knowing something about this will help me to stop thinking its all my fault and atand my ground when he inevitably starts trying to get me to come back or being horrible and difficult. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being bisexual (if he is) but hiding it from your wife is the issue.

Him being bisexual won't make him abusive!

He is abusive because he wants to be - not your fault at all. Who cares what he thinks anyway - time to worry about, and take care of, yourself isn't it?

If someone is controlling, verbally abusive, treating you with contempt and behaving badly towards you in other ways it's not your fault. To be a bully is the choice of the bully, not the victim. I understand why you'd want to know if there are some tangible reasons behind his behaviour but I'm not sure it's going to make you feel any better than you currently do. If it turns out he's bisexual and he's been lying the whole time, aren't you going to feel worse that you didn't spot it earlier?

Abusive people do not need a reason to be abusive.

I'm just going to not question myself any more as he always says its me over reacting. He uses viagra as has issues with this so am just wondering if he is trying to cover up his real feelings.

His feelings, real or otherwise, may never be known to you. Yours are the only ones you can be sure of, and what you know for sure is that his behaviour is causing you serious unhappiness.

Most, if not all, of us who have been on the wrong end of abusive relationships wonder why someone would behave that way. We wouldn't do it to someone else so we struggle to understand. Over time, if we get away from these malign people, we might satisfy ourselves that it was because of a bad childhood, suppressed sexual preferences, a MH condition... but the real reason is often no more complicated than they simply didn't care how we felt.

Is he bi or actually gay?Alot of gay men in the closet express extreme homophobia, but preferences for anal etc can be giveaway signs

He has never said he is either and is very homophobic. I was just looking for something I can know in my own head because I know its going to be difficult as he always turns everything round on me and I end up backing down and admitting its all me and in my head.

Cog is normally right though (even if I don't realise it at the time) so I'll go with that advice

I'm glad you're making plans to leave. I believe a lot of the mental confusion & self-doubt you're experiencing at the moment is because you are with someone who is quite happy to treat you abysmally, tell you black is white and that it's all in your head. The split won't be easy at first but, after just a few months break from the bullying, your confidence will start return and you'll start to trust your own judgement. One day you simply won't care if he's gay, straight, bi or any variation in between. It will not matter to you. He won't matter to you.