Three months on...even worse than before.

[gildedcage]

I've noticed that I write these posts approximately every three months.

At the risk of boring everyone, and also on the basis that I don't know how to link, I'll provide a quick background.

A year ago I found porn in the Google search history. This was purely accidental on my part and unexpected. We talked a lot about it, I made clear that its the secrets and lies that hurt the most, however I'm not madly keen on being married to a misogynist. We moved on bought a new house etc. Things were becoming more normal, not totally but getting there.

Anyway come March he is crying, told me all sorts of things I.e. he habitually masturbated, who to, when, told me he held hands and hugged other women on nights out.

After that I got the I don't know if I love you, don't feel close to you etc...you get the gist! Anyway he was signed off work for three months with depression and has had counselling and CBT for this and his intrusive thoughts.

This morning he is due back at work, basically he told me that he feels empty inside and allergic to me??!

I have totally had enough, told him that we were finished cos I'm done with being miserable, I don't need him for that! I said all sorts of things but I made it clear that I was finished and that I want out.

He came down stairs later and wanted to hug and kiss me. I asked if he was going back to his mum's. ..no why would I I'll be back here later...as if nothing has happened.

I am devastated but I can't carry on like this. Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable. He has taken my feelings and choked the life right out of them. I don't know how I feel anymore. My anxiety is immense to the point where my arms shake very badly. I can't go back to the crying I've just had 2 months off work because of the stress caused by this! !!

[Vivacia]

If he refuses to leave, do as much as you can to separate as possible - separate laundry, meals, shopping etc.

[gildedcage]

Yeah I think he does know that this was a step too far. He's been so focused on his own misery that he forgot all about how I might feel.

The anxiety is crippling. The pains in my chest are horrendous. If I didn't know better I was having a heart attack.

Thanks for the support. No doubt I'll be back with an update shortly.

[Vivacia]

The anxiety is crippling

I bet it is. I agree with the advice to take him at his word. Can you email him and his mother at the same time, say much as you hoped for a different future, you can't bear the thought of your husband hating you so much he feels allergic to you. You agree, for the best of everyone else involved, that he should move in with her. You'll drop some essentials off later tonight.

[Jan45]

Good luck OP, guaranteed once you have him away your anxiety will ease tremendously.

[Lweji]

What you need to do is to get legal advice and start divorce proceedings. That will surely send the message that you are serious.

[EarthWindFire]

Should I speak with his mum do you think? I feel like I need her to understand why I am doing what I'm going. I don't expect her to take sides or think badly of him but I need her to have my perspective.

I wouldn't it is his family and his mother to tell.

Start seperating now as others have said. You can't at this stage force him out of the house, but if you do want to divorce you will have to show that you are living seperately under the same roof.

[Boomeranggirl]

When I got divorced I wanted to tell my MIL my side, not to paint him as the bad guy but just because she and I had got on really well and I knew I probably wouldn't be seeing her again. I split with my exH because he told me he didn't want kids, this was a deal breaker as far as I was concerned because he didn't say this before we were married and when I talked about having a family he had been positive. Anyway I sent her an email telling her why I couldn't stay. It was a long heartfelt email that took ages to write. All she sent back was 'I'm not getting involved!' That's the last I ever heard from her. I wasn't expecting much given that he was her son but maybe a little bit more than a one line! Anyway it was a harsh lesson in reality of where I actually stood.

My advice would be to leave it alone with the MIL, she isn't going to acknowledge your side so you won't get the validation you need to take the decision to leave. He is her son and as they say 'blood is thicker than water'. If you are already feeling vulnerable focus on getting yourself strong, how supportive are your own family?

[gildedcage]

Just thought I'd come back and update you all. He came back as though nothing had happened and we spoke when the children went to bed. In short I think I actually understand what he meant when he said allergic as I have felt the same...the comfortable closeness that you share with your partner had left us...both of us have built walls that mean touchibg or hugging have become almost impossible for us both. Frankly I have felt like there is a barrier and haven't felt comfortable even to talk to him.

We were both brutally honest. I think he was surprised at how uncomfortable I was in his company. He has only really thought of himself. I think that he has had a hard awakening to the fact that I no longer wish to fix things.

He asked if I would go to counselling with him. He is desperate to stay married to me. I told him that I would go if he arranges it. I have absolutely no interest in doing anything.

I told him that there is a date on the calendar and that this is his last opportunity to win me round.

I know that this sounds weak but I have to have no regrets, I have 3 little children to think about. Anyway since then I have felt fine because I know that come that date, if I still feel the same I'll simply remove his key from his keyring and bolt the door from the inside. I have absolutely no intention of living together whilst separated. I feel stronger now that I have some control over this. I cannot control him but I can control me.

Thank you all for opening my eyes to his manipulation.

[gildedcage]

oh and strangely enough the shaking and chest pain have stopped.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you've absolutely no interest in the counselling then it would be unfair to hold it out as a possible way back. You feel calmer when you allow yourself to think about life without him. Surely that's what you go for?

[Jan45]

OP, counselling isn't going to change him or the situation. Sorry but he's never had a consequence which means you are accepting his shit treatment of you without any comeback, that can only lead to him thinking he can pretty much do as he pleases.

I understand you have children to think about but to be honest, I think this relationship died a long time ago, clinging on aint going to change a thing. If you really want to be free of anxiety, you need to be free of him, he's the main cause.

[gildedcage]

I am happy to engage in counselling if he arranges it, but I don't want it to be yet another example of me fixing this.

I do believe that there have been consequences. He has lost my love and good opinion. My mum, friend and his parents all know absolutely everything. Had our relationship been dead long ago I wouldn't be doing this. The fact is that we had a great life together. You may say one built on lies but I feel it was more naivety on both our parts. If you don't expressly discuss your expectations then how do you know how the other feels. I always felt totally loved and adored by him. On the basis that there was always a great deal of love between us I am prepared to give him a second and final chance to prove his commitment to me.

I have to be at peace with my own decision. And I feel strangely in control. I am not scared of being alone. I like my own company and I do everything anyway, I make good money and if I wanted male attention I could have it. I need to feel totally certain without any reasonable doubts...as I will not do the separate and then get back together thing. If he goes he's gone for good. He knows that which is probably why he has been incredibly reluctant to leave when asked previously. I would hazard to say that I actually feel happy but realise that it sounds demented.

[Jan45]

He just sounds like he has done nothing but give you the run around for ages, he loves you, no he doesn't. By consequence I mean you have carried on living with him despite the disclosures, I'm sorry OP but that's a green light to saying, it's fine, walk all over me, I will still be here.

I agree though, you need to be 100% sure so you don't have any regrets, I still think you are going to separate, in due course, it's just a matter of time.

[gildedcage]

Sadly Jan you are probably right, and I will be ok if thats the case. I've taken back the control of my life.

[Jan45]

Don't wont to sound all pessimistic, can only go on what you have posted and previously.

Nothing wrong at all in giving someone one last chance, if even for your own satisfaction, good luck!

[gildedcage]

Absolutely Jan, thanks again ;)