I had a shitty upbringing, dad in and out of prison, alcoholic and generally a fuck up and a lot of anger. My mum made it difficult for him, moved us all the time, had bad depression and used me to cope, had a lot of different men and blamed me (and the men) for ruining her life. I have recently, at 25, realised I have been living with depression, anxiety, anger and addiction because of how they treated me as a child.
I feel like I parented them, patiently waited while they just kept running from one disaster to the next.
Anyway, when I was 10 I was a fussy eater, my mum used to force food down me and try and make me eat things like Thai curry or fish, which I hated. I had a lot of food issues. When I was 10 we moved in with her new boyfriend and after a while I got 'ill' every evening I would feel nauseous, get shivery, and wretch and food made me feel sick. I could never work out why this was, an allergy?
Anyway, I only really remembered a lot of the neglect and shit from when I was little and remembered that when we moved away from my nan and auntie, I lost the only people that never made a fuss about food, and therefore I ate for them. My mum decided at this time, I could cook for myself if I was going to be fussy. Only she never really bought anything I could cook for myself, and always shouted that I made too much mess or was in the way. And I was made to do all the drying up from when everyone else had their dinner, which was no longer available to me.
I used to cook myself chips and sausages maybe every other day. I realised I wasn't ill, I was just hungry. She never bought fresh food, and after a couple of years of not being forced to eat and looking after myself I gained weight because I mostly ate white toast or oven chips, as that was pretty much all she would buy in for me. Tbh, I'm not that fussy and would eat lots of fruit, veg, meat and I just was cautious of food all mixed in together.
They have both done lots of horrible and nasty things to me and each other, and both take their arguments about each other out on me, even though they separated when I was 6 months old!
Anyway, my dad wasn't around at the time, but it turns out he lived a 3 streets away, but was too busy getting pissed so I only saw him briefly once or twice.
I have let go of nearly all of the anger and pain, but I can't keep help thinking, I was 10 and my mum couldn't be bothered to feed me, she didn't feed me or even make sure I had food in or had eaten. And never noticed I was almost starving with a bmi of 17 at the time!
I always thought that at least I was never neglected, just treated badly with no stability. I just feel so incredibly let down and can't seem to move on from this.