When do you call it a day?

[Inneedofclarity]

Iv name changed for this, dp knows i post on here - he knows as he has recently been checking my internet usage (i am very not ok with this). I dont want to out myself but dont want to be too vague, sorry in advance but Im struggling to know what is best at the minute and need advice or maybe a kick in the arse to stop me being a walkover. (Oh he says he checked because he was worried I was seeing someone else and this was the reason we are having problems. Apologetic, knows he shouldnt have etc etc)

Having problems for a year roughly, lots of issues, nothing overtly abusive really, possibly down to being incompatible? and dp's fondness of telling a porky or ten, mainly over trivial things. We have not been intimate or close physically in anyway because if I cant trust him I cant be that way with him.

Cue lots of long talks over this year with him saying he is addressing issues, things change for few weeks and then he does a couple of things that make me think well hes not changing at all.

Im not sure if Im nit picking and not giving him enough time or if I'm right to put my foot down and refuse to go on any longer. In one way iv had enough now but on other hand do care for him and worry about single parenting.

Heads a mess.

I'm confused. Do you have a child together? You say you haven't been intimate but been together a year..

Tbh, sad as it may be, you sound fundamentally incompatible. You clearly don't trust this man, now he doesn't trust you.

Hard to know without specifics why what he is doing is upsetting you... You say nothing overtly abusive but he is clearly making you upset/uncomfortable.

But I do think that once trust has gone its very hard to have a functioning relationship. If he is repeatedly lying to you, even if over trivial things, there is a problem.

It's quite difficult to advise as you're, understandably, being vague about the issues.
However, three parts of your OP jump out. The first is that he lies. You can't build a relationship together if you don't trust each other. Even if the lies are only about trivial matters, they'll slowly destroy your confidence in what he says.
The other part that struck me was that you worry about being a single parent. It's not that you shouldn't worry about that but you should stay in a relationship because of what it brings not because you're frightened to face the alternative.
Finally you write about him changing. You can't make him change. He will keep reverting back to who he is. You either need to make your peace with who he is or not, but you can't base your happiness on the hope he changes.

We have been together over 5 years, have been having problems for last year. Dd is 2.

The confidence in him has gone and with it I think respect for him. Not that im disrespectful to him iyswim. I am scared, of being lonely and of not coping but I cant go on being this unhappy. Hes just keeping on pleading with me that he will change, I dont think he can, it is just who he is, mainly hes a decent bloke, i just cant do with the lying. There are other issues but its around how he communicates within the relationship, his attitude to things and his lack of responsibility having an impact on me.

I know what needs to happen deep down, just an awful thought.

Ah, so you don't need clarity but bravery to take the necessary steps.

It's very difficult but try to be motivated by the fact that leaving will give all of you - you, dh, and your dd - the chance of a better life.

Talking to someone in RL might help you to move forward - either a friend or a counsellor. Perhaps pick a key date and imagine how different your life would be if you were separated by then, and then work towards it. Try not to stay too long or you may find yourself so lost, your self-esteem so low and your judgement so clouded that it's even more difficult to leave.

I am struggling, Im sat here going through reasons that its not too bad, the good times etc need to stop and focus on the way it will be not wading through everyday. Having a set date is a good idea, but im thinking of christmas for some reason, having to hand dd over and sitting on my own is the most depressing thought.

I need to shut up and stop now!

I think if u are feeling the way u are and want to make it work or think u do at least, then counselling is a good place to start.

It's hard when dcs are little. I remember I wanted to leave then dh and even worked out finances etc. but didn't and I'm glad I didn't. We went on to have another dc but then separated a long time after that.

In the end I set myself a date of about 9 months from when it was going on saying I would not be 37 and living like this. It was him who wanted to leave but said he wanted to make it work etc etc. so I think a time limit is a good thing but u have to throw yourself, both of u, into it.

There's nothing to say u can't work out arrangements re Christmas etc so don't decide on what u should do based on that.

I agree. If there is no abuse then counselling may be an option. But no relationship is worth staying in if you are unhappy. Does he seem concerned and like he is making a concerted effort to make you happy? If he is, then Relate could be a good idea.

If not, staying in an unhappy relationship so that you won't have to hand over your daughter at Christmas will do you and your daughter no good.

No abuse at all, immense immaturity on his part, no sense of responsibility so relies on me for decision making but then does his own silly things anyway, he does try very hard but then slips back to old habits before we get a chance to properly move on. Im not perfect by any means and I tend to expect things to be sorted now rather than in some point in the future. For me Lying is a concious choice, i either choose to or not. He finds its different for him. Its just feels all too hard all the time, Im so tired and cant face it, on top of work, finances, childcare, family ill health etc

I might look into the Relate counselling, if nothing else we might get to do this as amicably as possible. I think splitting up when there has been no unacceptable behaviour or incident is different to deal with and very sad really.

Thanks for the ideas, they are appreciated.

It is sad but hopefully would give you the basis for a decent relationship in which to co-parent.

You say you're afraid of being lonely, but surely you're lonely within this 'relationship'.

I am yes, very. Its hard to put into words at least he is here. Knowing its just me is the scary bit. I need to work on having a life and building friendships but its not easy to meet people in similar circumstances and my life is busy but lonely.

Its a good point.

Honestly it's probably just a mis match, in other words, you won't ever be compatible, nothing worse than feeling let down all the time, yes you might be a bit lonely but at least you will be content and happy and not be having to work so hard to make something happen that just wont.