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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is controlling / bullying behaviour in a relationship?

5 replies

lastlostmonkey · 20/07/2014 20:56

I mean kind of low key stuff, not financial control or cutting off from friends. I feel my DH can be like this but I'm not sure if I'm right. Some examples are that I've tried to bring up that I feel unhappy in the relationship but he tells me there isn't a problem. Often he tells me he doesn't want to talk about whatever it is I've brought up. He will never apologise for anything and often gets shouty and defensive if put on the spot, sometimes criticising my tone of voice rather than responding to what I'm saying. As I said in the other post, he suggested I request a time beforehand if I want to talk about things he might find boring or stressful. He suggested I don't speak to him at all when he is trying to relax by reading (this happens three times a day). If I get upset about something his reaction is usually impatience and then snapping at me when I don't take on board his practical advice about the situation.

These are general situations but there have been a few specific ones too that I can think of. He isn't always like this, often he's more open but it happens again and again. For years I just thought he had strong opinions about things, but I'm starting to realise that I feel shut down by a lot of this and wonder if it's more than that. It reads back quite horribly actually. What does it sound like?

OP posts:
lastlostmonkey · 20/07/2014 20:58

I'm asking because I read cogito's advice on the other thread that counselling isn't advised where there is controlling or bullying behaviour. I'd thought of suggesting this to him so I want to be clear about whether it's a good idea or not.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 20/07/2014 21:03

That all definitely sounds controlling to me. Given the way he behaves, if you were to suggest counselling to him (I assume you mean Relate as a couple, rather than something individually), do you think he's acknowledge there's any problem to be dealt with, or go along with doing anything about it if he did?

Not being listened to can be very wearing, and it makes you feel like you don't count. It is abusive, and you and how you feel do count.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 20/07/2014 21:07

If you feel like you can't communicate honestly on an equal footing without potentially having your emotions 'gamed', then that is a good reason for you to reexamine your trust in that person. Whoever they are.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 20/07/2014 21:09

PS. He will never apologise for anything and often gets shouty and defensive.

Your words.... What would you say to someone else if they posted that?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/07/2014 21:56

Controlling behaviour is just that. Someone who wants to control your life. Like training a dog, a controlling person will reward what they class as good behaviour and punish bad behaviour. So that crap about requesting a time beforehand to talk about things.... that's control

Bullying is behaviour designed to make someone else feel bad, unimportant, anxious, unhappy etc. as a way to make sure things go the bully's way. When you say he criticises your tone of voice that's a way of bullying you over something petty in order to keep things going his way.

Go to joint counselling with someone like that and it's pointless because they don't think they're doing anything wrong. They have no intention of changing - why would they when everything's going their way? Instead they will attempt to manipulate the sessions by paying lip-service, listen to you baring your soul and come away with more ammunition with which to bully you.

You'd benefit more from personal counselling. Work out, amongst other things, why you tolerate the treatment.

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