sad about brother - does anyone else feel they're no longer close to sibling

[Saganoren]

DB and family came to visit today - we tend to get together maybe 4 times a year.

DB always behaves the same way when he visits. He comes in, says hello, goes to our bookshelves and starts checking our books. He picks up something he likes the look of and sits down with it while we serve tea/lunch whatever, flicking through with it and occasionally making conversation when addressed - not really initiating it.

His manner is completely disengaged, as if he can't be bothered to really talk to us. His dw is lovely and chats away (she's long been the person I communicate with). DB has a "glamorous" job in media and - even though dh and I work in the same field - he always makes me and dh feel inferior. After the meal, he tends to go and inspect dh's dvd collection, asks if he can borrow a few and then off they go.

So that's a rant, really. I just felt really sad about it today, because I realised I was sick of this "too cool for school" behaviour. I don't think it's a personal thing - my mum was upset recently because he behaved like this when the neighbours dropped in, but I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to turn things around and make him realise how rude he's being. Or do you just accept that you grow apart from siblings? Realistically, in years to come we're going to have to talk about care of elderly parents etc and I'd like us to regain some of the closeness we used to have before then.

I've got a very similar problem. Not sure I can help, but I'd like to share anyway. My DB also has a 'cool' job, looks down on me for ditching my career to be a SAHM. At the same time, his DW has recently been promoted to CEO and he doesn't like the way she appears to put work first. They have 1 DD. I think there's a certain amount of 'you've always had it so easy and Mum and Dad treated you better'. Not true. As DM remarked to me last year 'you've had a shit life' and she's not wrong!

He posts poetry on FB, takes himself far too seriously, dressed 20 years below his age (and gets away with it). He's also deeply unhappy, loads of unresolved issues from childhood. Cut off Mum and Dad 4 years ago for 6 months and now NC with me; hasn't told me why, but I can guess. For years, Mum won't have us both over for Xmas, as she's worried he will be off with me. It all boils down to sibling rivalry, I guess, thinly veiled with various adult issues. Such a waste, life is so short and I used to beat myself up over it and worried terribly about his mental health.

But I've now finally realised I can't change him, only the way I react to him. I've decided I won't let him blank me at family gatherings any more. You might consider telling him that you find his behaviour rude and hurtful; everyone is afraid to say those words to my DB and consequently he doesn't have to face up to the impact of his behaviour. It's different for me though, I've nothing to lose. He's already not talking to me.

We're you once extremely close to your DB, as I was?

Anyone else got useful suggestions. Would writing to him work?

I think you just accept it don't you?

He's your brother. It's how it's always been.

Look for the positives, not the negatives.

It's only four times a year, not a lot to ask of you.

I have never been close to my sister, not even as children. We are utterly different in our attitudes to everything, interests and even physical looks. I can't actually remember the last time I saw her (we live in different countries). Yes, does make me a bit sad, but I have never known any different.

doesntaddup yes, like you I was once very close - that's why it's sad. Your situation sounds worse than mine, you have all my sympathy, my brother isn't unhappy afaik, has no unresolved issues - it's just him getting older and more set in certain (rude) ways, I guess. I wouldn't want to tell him because then there would be a perhaps nasty fall-out, I just feel sad. bowlers you're right, I will look to the positives.

Well you're one up on me Saganoren - my DB dropped me (and tehn 7 year old DS) like a stone just over a year ago. We know he is still alive because his daughter lets us know when we see her. No Xmas or birthday cards or presents.

I don;t think you have to consider the positive. It would piss me right off.

Hmmm. I consider myself to be close to my db but we only see each other 3 or 4 times a year and speak on the phone very occasionally.

We live in London, about 50 minutes drive apart, so we could see each other more often, but we don't have all that much in common and are happy to see each other infrequently. We still have a certain closeness that I don't share with other family members or relatives, though.

What I'm trying to say is that feeling close to a sibling does not necessarily have to involve family visits. Some people (myself included) find these extremely boring and a bit of a chore! If there is an occasion, then fair enough. If it's just a "oh, haven't seen db for a while better invite him over" then that can feel like a duty when you might rather be at home with your feet up reading the Sunday papers.

Iyswim.

I had the similar issues with my younger sibling. I could have written this. I was frustrated and annoyed.They were killed last year in a tragic incident I'd give anything to have the opportunity to have a single day with them again with all their flaws. It is not to late for you to restore your relationship.

I wouldn't say my situation is worse than yours. My DB has had serious mental health issues since his teens, including depression. Your DB has no excuse for his behaviour.

It would break my heart if DCs behaved like this when they grew up. I yearn for that closeness but accept, with sadness, that I can't change my DBS attitude.

I have three brothers and see them at varying intervals. One quite often, one a few times a year, one about once a year. One of them has an incredibly successful career.

At any gathering, everyone is expected to join in and be family. We are not at work. If my db came over and inspected the books I might instigate a book debate or else tell him he's needed on the BBQ / drink pouring. He actually sounds like he's become a bit removed from family reality and needs a check-in to real life. Within families you are not the managing director or the star show and everyone will be happier if it gets sorted.

I'm starting to feel a bit like this about my db. We've always been close, we also have a sister and we've always kept in touch with each other.

I speak to my ds a lot more than I speak to my db. He'll text me once in a blue moon if he's got some time off work and thinks he might pop over to see his nieces. We never see him unless he's got spare time.

He was supposed to come over for the evening last weekend. I texted him in the morning about supper. No answer. I tried again at lunchtime. No answer. So come the evening I just got on with getting food together. He finally rang about half six. Turned out he'd been on a bender with his useless girlfriend till eight in the morning and had just woken up. So needless to say he didn't come.

He texted me the next day but I pretended I hadn't got it. I can't be arsed now. We hadn't seen him in months. We're clearly not a priority so bollocks to him. I'm a bit sad about it but clearly he isn't.