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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I leave, I'm such a coward!

11 replies

Minimage · 20/07/2014 18:37

Hi, I'm so ready to leave my H but having that talk with him is scaring me so much. We've been married 11yrs have DS and dd both teens and I've recently realised that he's a bully who's intimidating and threatening (although not violent -yet). Amazing what you put up with when you don't want to see reality! I've been withdrawing from him emotionally recently and he's noticed. I've lost all respect for him and I'm doubting that I still love him. Everything he does annoys me and every nasty comment is making me cringe.

We are due on a family holiday very soon and I'm dreading it. Once we come home I want out but I'm too frightened to talk to him. I'm not financially secure so I'm going to have to get some good advice to be able to leave the home. Any advice on the best way to do this? He's not going to change and relate is for other people apparently! It's easy to say just leave but it makes me feel so sick thinking about it as does talking to him.

OP posts:

knickernicker · 20/07/2014 18:43

I think you need to plan a lot in advance without his knowledge e.g. research on wikivorce, free solicitor advice, benefits calulating etc. If u know you're planning your way out, your holiday will be more bearable.
So armed with knowledge and having come to terms with your choice, you might find it less frightening to have the conversation.
You might also find people on here can give you a script for or advice on how to respond when you first tell him. He will likely belittle you, get angry etc. But he'll only be doing what thousands of other men have.

Original poster

Minimage · 21/07/2014 22:46

If I think he'll be intimidating or threatening do you think it's best to just leave and leave a dear john letter or have someone in the house with me (friend or family) and try to talk to him?

OP posts:

YvyB · 21/07/2014 22:57

I think you're a bit fixated on the actual moment of departure when in reality you're not quite prepared with the practicalities. Leave that to one side for now and do your ground work re finances and housing. Once youve got your exit planned you can start worrying about the final moment but, in reality, that may well have already been decided by the nature and detail of your plan.

unless youre in danger, there's no rush. Take some good books on holiday and practice going to the happy place in your head when you feel pressure building. You're working on your getaway and once youve got everything in place you can simply shut the door on your way out if you dont feel like a conversation.

CharlotteCollins · 21/07/2014 23:06

I think what you say is not too important. If he's a bully, he's not going to listen to what you say because he'll be working out how he can get you back where he wants you.

It took me two tries to leave my H - the first time I tried to explain repeatedly and he just took advantage of that to keep the conversation going, so that there was never closure and I felt I had to keep explaining.

The second time, I took advice and was as boring as I could be: spoke in a monotone; said "it's not you; it's me;" hmmed thoughtfully at whatever he said. I knew I was going and I knew he was not going to get it.

It doesn't feel like playing fair, but if you're dealing with someone who doesn't see you as an equal, trying to play fair puts you at a huge disadvantage.

ChanelNo19 · 21/07/2014 23:12

"It took me two tries to leave my H - the first time I tried to explain repeatedly and he just took advantage of that to keep the conversation going, so that there was never closure and I felt I had to keep explaining."

yes snap.

You can never justify your right to leave. you will go round in circles if you try. It took me 18 months to realise that by defending my right to leave I was just feeding his belief that I needed his blessing and his approval to have dared to leave him.

You may think it's dishonourable but in the circumstances you're in I would suggest asking a family member to move in with you. then tell him it's over. It's over because it's not what you want any more. Phrase it so it cant be argued with.

I also agree with planning carefully. I had to do this. New sim to save my sanity. New Banks account. Passport at friend's. Clothes with parents. Lots of googling. Ringing. Arranging. Planning.

Original poster

Minimage · 21/07/2014 23:24

I think you're right yvyb I'm trying to run before I can walk, I'm just so unhappy that I can't think about anything else at the moment. I'll get the holiday out of the way and then get some good advice.

Thank you Charlotte and Chanel, good advice, I'll take on board what you've said

OP posts:

ChanelNo19 · 21/07/2014 23:28

Start up an account he knows nothing about and start e-baying anything you can sell. YOu say you're not financially secure, well neither was I when I left. It's not easy but don't let that stop you planning. I'd be lynched for saying this but if you leave and you have nothing then you will be eligible for the help that exists for people who need it.

Make sure you delete your search history if you do research at home.

CharlotteCollins · 21/07/2014 23:30

YY to careful planning - you're much more likely to stay gone if you do!

And the other advantage of planning is daring to dream of a better future...

CharlotteCollins · 21/07/2014 23:36

Check what benefits you'll be entitled to. I was told that I could start receiving tax credits as a single person if I considered myself to be separated, no matter that we were still in the same house. I opened a new account to put it into. (Unfortunately, H opened my post and found out - he was not happy that the government was paying me when he was trying to deprive me of escape funds! :o)

Work out if you want to stay in the house or if you want to move out.

Write yourself a little list of why you're leaving, to read through when he realises what's about to happen and turns on the charm. My H was thoroughly convincing the first time, even though I knew the script.

That'll do for starters. Too much at once gets rather overwhelming!

ChanelNo19 · 21/07/2014 23:43

ha yes! that brings me back. These types (sorry to generalise) aren't happy that the government will prevent you from starving !

I ended up staying with my parents because in my case there was no financial benefit to clinging on to the family 'home'. I just wanted to get away from him. Again, he was furious that my parents took me in. He accused them of pandering to my nonsense. My parents should have left me to his mercy. He really believed that, and he was quite cross with everybody (individual or state) that helped me.

CharlotteCollins · 22/07/2014 08:36

YY - cross with my parents for supporting me, too.

Conversely, I was surprised every time anyone treated me like an adult - every time I used my debit card and it was allowed; when I rented a house; hiring a van to move. In those days, even a man saying a friendly hello at the school gates was something to wonder at. FW didn't do social niceties - not to me, anyway!

Life is so much better the other side, OP!

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