Dont know if it is me or him.

[BurgaQueen]

Hi Mumsnetters, would like some feedback on some of the things going on in my relationship.

I have been with dp for four years. Two of these years is us in a 'proper' relationship, prior to that we were just seeing each other.

He is a very laid back, untalkative person. He is not great at communication and likes to keep his business/problems to himself. I on the other hand like to talk things out, share info etc.
He is very matter of fact/black and white/ doesnt admit when he is in the wrong.

My childhood was not very secure. I moved over ten times and went to even more different schools. My mother had lots of men in and out of our life. I have had more people (including family members) in and out my life then I can count (mostly men). This has resulted in two things, 1: me coming across a certain way to new people (different topic) and 2: feeling insecure.

Right now I do not feel secure in the relationship. We are planning to have children and he has says marriage and old age is in the future (not sure when marriage will happen). However I just don't feel secure in the relationship. I live in his home so I do not feel secure there and look for plan b's such as places to live, jobs abroad 'just incase'. I do not have any family and nowhere to turn to if things did go tits up.

He is so matter of fact and he does tell me he loves me but theres no wild declarations of love or 'you are the most important person to me' or 'you are the only one for me' etc. He thinks these are lies men tell. If I say why dont you say something like theres no one else out there for you etc he will say well theres 2 million women in London if we break up I won't be single forever and neither will you. Are you telling me you would be single for ever?

Or the old saying 'I would die without you' he would say well no I wouldn't die I would be upset but I would move on.

I feel if we broke up he would not be that bothered. When I have said this he gets angry and says he doesnt understand why I think that.

We have been arguing the past few weeks due to me feeling that I am not his priority for eg booking a holiday with his friends before our holiday, or going to a bbq with someone at work and not inviting me but taking his brother. He got really angry and said I am his priority but I should expect to be THE PRIORITY.

We haven't argued this week because I have tried not to complain. It is not like he has done anything majorly wrong and tbh he is a great partner generous, affection, kind but I just don't feel secure.

I dont know if its him or me?

Thanks for getting through that if you did x

[PuppyMouse]

I think I did go through what you were going through but in a slightly different way. I hate being put on a pedestal and being given declarations of undying love but I did used to cry a lot when we argued before bed, for instance. He could just switch off and sleep, while I dwelt on what was said and felt so upset. I thought this made him cold and uncaring about me. He wasn't, his brain just said, "it's time to sleep now." So he did! I have always tried to be clear and verbalise any time something he has done has upset me and he has taken (most!) of these on board so makes a conscious effort. He never sleeps on a row now. We have both sub-consciously adapted to each other over the years so i have picked up on some of his behaviours as a way of dealing with him. Plus being so different you can learn from each other (I think a pp suggested something like this).

I think you have to gauge if your DP is just different to you and will try to understand and listen to you if you explain that something upsets you or whether this is something you cannot see ever working.

[TheNewSchmoo]

I am very much like your partner and I don't mean to be unkind but I'd find you suffocating, I don't think either of you are wrong, you're just not right for each other.

[Golferman]

Actions speak louder than words.

[Opinionated7]

Neither of you are wrong you're just 2 different personalities when it comes to being together, it will take a bit of compromise to get there but it is possible, and sometimes these relationships can be the best when 2 people are nearly polar opposites.

Not all of us are Romeo's, just because he isn't always affectionate it can still work well, you fell in love with him for some reason didn't you?

Key word from my advice would be compromise, from both of you.

[Quitelikely]

I disagree. This man has done nothing wrong! You have had a unstable upbringing and you are projecting it all onto him. You are being too needy and he doesn't get why. Don't let your past destroy your future. I say you need therapy to deal with your issues.

[Tinks42]

Of course he hasnt... he booked a holiday with someone else first. He sodded of to a BBQ with someone else without asking the OP.... Absolutely nothing wrong in that whatsoever if you're looking at it from another selfish persons point of view of course

[Tinks42]

So you have a past where people did the same. The way i see it is you picked another selfish twunt and now you're questioning this, which is a fantastic thing, don't go back to thinking its "you" it isn't.