MIL has given my 3 year old a book about death, and I am not happy... any advice please

[TeriS]

I'm really upset and angry about this, and would like some opinions as to whether I'm over-reacting, and any suggestions as to how to deal with this.

I went to visit my MIL on Sunday, and she gave my DS a book she had bought him, which she said he can read with me and DH every night before he goes to sleep. The book is 'The Lonely Tree', which is about death, and preparing children for dealing with grief. My DS is 3 1/2 years old.

I am not happy about what she has done for a few reasons:
a) I don't personally believe it necessary to teach my 3 year old about death, unless he is going to have to face immenient bereavement.
b) I think the book is aimed at older children, and not suitable for his age-group.
c) I think it should be mine and DH's choice as to when we raise the 'death' issue with our children, not MIL's.
d) She didn't even discuss this with us, or give me chance to read the book first - she gave it straight to DS.
e) I don't think it's suitable 'bed-time reading material'.

DS's reaction to the book is that he got quite upset, although is now a bit obsessed with the book, and insists on reading it every time he goes to bed/ has a nap (because 'Nanny said he has to read it when he goes to bed'. We have to skip the part when the tree dies, as he get's upset about this. I really feel that I need to discuss the issue of death with him now, and to try to guide his understanding, rather than just leave him to try to interpret the book himself. Or am I best to not make a deal about it with him, and just 'loose' the book.

Does anybody have any advice on how they dealt with this issue (bearing in mind DS doesn't know anybody that has died yet), and also how I deal with MIL. She is very interfering with DS, and tries to control how he is raised, and I'm getting really fed up with it, and would like to put an end to the situation.

MIL said at the time that it will be useful as DS's great-nan is 84 and it will prepare him for her death. However, although great-nan is old, she's still going pretty strong, and there is no sign that she is going to pass very soon.

I hope this doesn't upset anybody who has recently lost somebody.

Simple answer, buy him a new, better book with knobs on, hide the book about death, he will probably forget he ever had it.

I would be absolutely furious to be perfectly honest. He is your son and you decide when you want him to learn about these things. The later the better IMO
I had the same with my sil sending my 8 yr old home with a book on reproduction. Great way to find out about sex (not)

Thanks, I like the term 'overreaching' - that sum's up a lot!

She does do this quite frequently - she tried to take DS for separate MMR jabs at 1 year, as she didn't agree with us having the triple one done! It was only the fact they wouldn't let her book it as she wasn't his parent.

I just wondered whether it was best to ignore it (and go for the new book approach, which I will do either way), or to at least give him some guidance now. I'm worried he'll just be drawing his only conclusions from what he's learned from the book.

You have to set your mil straight now all she will carry on intefering.

God blossomhill, I would be too - it also doesn't give you time to prepare for how your going to deal with it.

I don't think I'm over-reacting, but as we've had problems in past with MIL, I am aware I'm a bit over-sensitive to the things she does sometimes.

Tell her..."Back off or F*ck off"

i think you have to draw the line otherwise she'll keep crossing it. tell her it wasn't on and in future to run things past you first. i agree that 3.5 is too young for this sort of material.

What a silly, upsetting thing you MIL has done. I would be very angry too. I am aghast at the idea of your MIL buying a book like this for a 3.5 year old and instructing him to 'read it every night before bedtime'.

She may have her personal reasons why she wants her grandchild to understand about death, but they are her own issues to deal with and your 3.5 year old shouldn't be forced to address them at such a young age because she has taken it upon herself to do so. Especially when he is clearly upset. Bedtime is the worse possible time to have a child thinking about death IMO!!! I dont think you could explain that some cultures belive in re-incarantion and some belive in an afterlife etc with out totally confusing and maybe even scaring a child this young. If he can't understand something like that enough he wont able to put in into any perspective and just be scared and confused. Thats why, IMO, 3.5 years is way to young and your MIL has done a very stupid, hurtful thing.

If it was me I would talk to her an find out why she did it. Maybe get your DP/DH to. Then explain that if she feels she wants your DD to learn about such things she must consult you first and you will discuss it together and it is your decision. Books on important life issues, birth/death/illness can have such a massive impact on a child as they can alter their concept of life. IMO opinion they should never been introduced without good reason and your gran 'wanting him to know' is just not enough!

I would take your DD book shopping and help him choose some lovely, imaginative, 'positively thought provoking' books that will help him feel relaxed and happy at bedtime. Hopefully he will forget about the other one in time. Distract now and wait until he is old enough to understnad a concept like this.

Sorry too waffle, just thik what your MIL has done is awful, frankly.

At the MMR thing.

I really, really think you should use this oportinity to have good talk with her and tell her there is a line and she is most certainly crossing it when she does this kind of thing.

I know it can be very intimidating and very tempting to keep quiet and keep the peace but it will save you allot more upset in the future for it and learning that she HAS to respect you and CANT undermine you will serve you for ever.

I agree with tigermum. BTW, where's your dh on this issue? I know when my MIL's crossed the line & I've been upset, my dh's been straight on the phone to his mum to tell her to behave herself.

I would bin the bloody thing, tell your MIL to take a running jump and tell your son that Nanny is getting a bit old and sometimes has "funny ideas".

Interfering old cow

My MIL hoodwinked me into taking my 3yo to his grandfather's grave - we went on a "long walk" while we were staying with her and it turned out to be a 10 mile round trip to his grave and back. He died when dh was 18, so it came as a bit of a shock to dh as well (he hadn't been to the grave many times after he left home, and had forgotten the route). I was livid. She gave me no warning, no chance to prepare my son for that experience. He didn't know anything about death and had never asked about dh's father. Luckily once I realised what was happening I whisked him away with a few well-chosen words, and no-one said anything to him. I don't think he gathered what the grave was or what it meant. DH and I ended up having to carry a crying 3yo as well as our 8mo, for 5 miles home, because he wasn't big enough to do a walk of that length. MIL just said "Oh, you should have bought the pushchair!". It was a walk along narrow roads with no pavements, and she hadn't old us how long it was going to be.

Sorry for hijack, but I am still so - I hate this sort of presumptious behaviour from grandparents, it's outrageous.