do men rarely get to keep primary care of kids in splits?

[seempels]

Just wondering how common it is for a man who is the primary carer of his children to lose that role in a split? Who provides info on such things, is it CAB?
I have a friend who seems unhappy in his relationship but wouldn't even consider leaving his partner because he fears losing his kids and home. His partner has been the breadwinner and he the carer.

He'd get advice specific to his situation from CAB or a solicitor. Shared parenting is normal post split and the usual test is that whatever is agreed is best for the children, provides the best care and least disruption. Law aside, this is something that it would definitely be recommended went to mediation. Courts much prefer for separating couples to agree things between them wherever possible. I note he's a partner and not a spouse. That's significant when it comes to property and other assets.

If he is the main carer then he would be on a good position to put forward a case that this is to remain the same.

Not sure anyone keeps stats of that kind tbh. The fear he has is normal though tbh no matter whether you are a man or a woman. If you are the primary carer and someone else is the breadwinner they have a huge amount of economic power over you and this can make you afraid in this way.

The reason most women are primary carers after a split is because they were primary carers before. The court uses the welfare principle to decide residence/contact arrangements and removing care from a primary carer would not be considered in the best interests of the children unless the primary carer was demonstrably damaging to the children.

Thanks. Yeah he is married actually.

He is best placed talking to a solicitor. On balance it is the person best able to supply the child's needs, these aren't necessarily just financial, but emotional. It is not a decision based on gender.

The age of the kids are important. If they are old enough, their views are taken into consideration.

The ability of both parents to provide a stable home - this does not necessary mean the income earner, as benefits and tax-credits can support a single parent.

Losing the home is not a guaranteed.

The income of the breadwinner is taken into consideration (e.g. spousal maintanence cannot be ruled out).
The age and earning capacity of the adults is considered. The amount of equity, savings and other marital assets are taken into account.

It is way too complex to guarantee anything. A good solicitor will be able to explain the likelihood. A realistic scenario for him is likely to be 50/50 parenting, but it may be that she gets the children EOW and one night a week.

Two good places for your friend to start is David Terry's website and forum. Also read 'Family Law' by Stotten and Hall - it shows all the options available.

However, if he won't even consider it, I'm not sure why you are so determined that he should?

And actually no, shared parenting is not normal. Stats show attempts at shared parenting usually revert to primary maternal care arrangements that were used pre the split. Shared parenting is actually quite unusual though the government is trying to bring in legislation to encourage it. The actual law says to act in the best interests of the child and that usually means continuing as closely as possible with the arrangements that were made by the couple pre split.

I know he's not the mother but fathers caring for children before a split are relatively rare and there's no reason why he wouldn't be treated the same as a female primary carer.

These replies are very insightful.
I'm not determined that he should split. Far from it. But I don't want him to think the odds are completely stacked against him if he ever did.

I think it's wrong to look at the genders rather than the positions in the family for guidance tbh. He should be looking at how frequently courts will impose shared parenting or transferral of care from the parent who is currently providing the majority of care in a relationship where roles are separated. Shouldn't be looking at mothers/fathers as most fathers are breadwinners not carers etc. Courts are not biased against fathers IMO, most of the claims they are come from men who didn't do much caring for their children when they were still with their ex partners and are seeking to assert control over their children in the same way they do over possessions after the split.

Also, you will find that what happens in one judicial area is not what happens in another, which is why it is far better for him to quietly get legal advice locally rather than canvassing MN fabulous though we are

I would imagine he would get a minimum of 50/50 but a local family solicitor will be able to give up to date local feedback.

My exH was at home, although who was the primary carer could be debatable. I was the one liaising with the school, taking him to the doctor and awake in the night when he was ill, in addition to getting DS ready for school and bed.

Anyway, he couldn't have kept DS through dv, his threats, including of taking DS away.

I expect that a normal, good father, who is a primary carer will go on to be the resident parent or go 50-50.

He should get legal advice on this.
It doesn't mean he has to divorce, but he could make an informed decision. The same for benefits.

Yes, there's a difference between being lazy, unemployed and abusive and being a primary carer lweji. You'd probably have been considered primary carer because of you providing most of the care despite him being at home.

I don't know that he will seek the legal advice or not any time soon. But perhaps when he reads this things may not be as bad as he imagines.

I think that getting legal advice would be good for his mental health actually. There is nothing worse than thinking you are trapped in an unhappy marriage through finances or fear of losing your children.

Getting good legal advice will empower him. He will know the deal and be able to make changes based on that. For example if he wants to make changes and his wife refuses, threatening to leave, he wont have to cave in purely out of fear because he will know the score.