Feel like my divorce is the elephant in the room :(

[Notnastypasty]

I found out my DH was having an affair last summer. We tried to make it work until the start of this year (I thought we were succeeding) when he said he didn't love me and left me and our young dd the next day. Up until last summer I thought we had an amazing marriage, very loving, best friends etc.

We are now going through a divorce. The last 6 months have been an emotional rollercoaster but I do feel quite proud of myself for how I've coped and friends and family have said I've been really strong and positive. I'm not one to go on and on about things (generally keep any moans, stories etc short and sweet!) so I feel a bit perplexed as to why it feels like my friends don't want to acknowledge that I'm getting a divorce?!

I don't expect them to ring me or come round but I suppose when I do see them it would be nice if they asked if I was doing ok or what was happening etc, is this unreasonable? I completely understand that others have their own lives but feel that after 6 months it's forgotten and they almost don't want any of my marriage misery/divorce to rub off on them!!

Has anyone else felt like this? Any opinions, views or advice would be appreciated.

Hi op. I understand where u are coming from. I have just two closest friends who I tell everything to do with what's going on. Others ask if I'm ok. My decree nisi paperwork has just come through for me to send off. I'm happier now than 6 months ago to just being it up myself.

I do think some people don't know how to bring it up or what exactly to say for the best.

I think people have short attention spans, only slightly longer memories and low boredom thresholds...its a twenty first century problem. Too much is instant, easy, accessible and we suffer from information overload and we like bitesized updates, via facebook and social network. Sad really.

I don't think its personal OP, it's just how it is. I agree with Mini, only those closest probably really understand, and if they don't always remember to ask, you should feel comfortable enough to mention it to them.

You've admitted that you don't really talk about it so it might simply be they think you don't want to talk about it, and if you did, you would.

Divorces are generally pretty boring after the initial "OMG I'm getting divorced". Sad really but unless it's drama filled it's not really anything to discuss.

What about saying to a friend "divorce is almost finished, so weird" or something and see what they say. Most likely "how is that all going?" or thereabouts. OR just ask them "Why do you never ask how the divorce stuff is going?"

Maybe they are waiting for you to take the lead on this subject? Maybe they don't want to bring it up if they think it's going to distress you? If you mention it do they change the subject or chat freely?

It never occurred to me to ask my friends how they were doing after the first few weeks. I've been divorced myself and nobody asked me either.

I think everyone considered it covered by the "how are things?" questions when we first meet up. If anyone needs to talk, we say so.

I am going to go against the grain here and say I think it is odd.

My divorce took about 18 months to be finalised and my friends asked me about it pretty much every time I saw them.

I suppose it became a bit of a standing joke "Got divorced yet?" as it took so bloody long, but there was genuine concern and interest.

Maybe as PP have said, your friends think you don't want to talk about it and you will need to initiate the conversation?

I generally ask how things are in general and would expect the divorce situation to be mentioned as part of that. If they didn't mention it I would assume they didn't want to talk about it. I might say a propos of something else that they are going through a lot at the moment etc, but I would take my cue from them

Thanks for the replies. Two of my close friends are the ones who I am really finding this issue with - even if I mention it in conversation it's swept under the carpet and next topic! Neither of them like confrontation so I don't feel I can ask why they don't seem to care!

I suppose some people have more empathy than others and if you've never experienced divorce yourself or in your family you may not realise how difficult and devastating the whole thing can be. It's not the same as breaking up with your boyfriend when you're 16 as some seem to think!

Just need to suck it up I suppose!

Notnasty I don't think people can understand unless they've been there and I don't know anyone who has. I just know I can sound off to those two people of I need too although I worry with one of them she thought I went on about it too much. Now I talk about it very little and they have to put up with my dating news instead!

A lot of people are threatened by divorce. They think it's catching.

Perhaps in a way it is - no marriage is immune.

Well done for getting this far. Perhaps it's time to make some new friends - it's surprising who tips up in a crisis. You'll know in future the limits of your friendships with these women, if you want to continue with them.

Hope I'm at that stage soon minime :)

Thanks springy, some true words and good advice there!

A lot of people are threatened by divorce. They think it's catching.

That is very true. My mother lost a lot of friends when she divorced. In one case, it was someone she'd been friends with since she was 7. She was very upset at the time and felt very let down. But then she revealed a couple of years later that this woman's husband had tried it on with her more than once and that perhaps things hadn't been as rosy in their marriage as they appeared.

Other friends she lost were because they weren't that close in the first place.

And then others because, in the end, she became a bit boring about it.

When my own marriage broke down, I didn't want to talk about it after the first few weeks. I didn't want to become a bore and I wanted to concentrate on having fun. I didn't want sympathy from anyone and any rants I had were short lived, focused and I didn't wallow in it.

I didn't lose any friends and I gained a whole lot more. I think it really helped that I don't talk about it.

But to be honest, I wouldn't ask how someone's divorce is going and I wouldn't expect to be asked by them either. Some of my friends have asked and, to be honest, I find it rather intrusive and I don't want to talk about it. It's private.