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Original poster

Do you think that what people say in anger is what they really believe deep down?

18 replies

lilywidget · 19/07/2014 19:09

This week I finally started 'the conversation' with my husband about how I've been feeling about our relationship.

We've had a few talks and each time he's got angry and/or upset and said hurtful things or things that are not the way that I believe it should be in a relationship.

Some of what he's said is, in my opinion, backed up by how he's behaved towards me for several years which makes me think it's true.

However, within about 10 minutes he's calmed down and become more rational and said that's not how he feels/what he thinks and that he'll change.

He's trying hard but it's extremely early days.

I didn't have much hope that our marriage could be saved before we started talking. Now, I think there is some hope. But, am I being foolish because if what he's said in anger is how he really feels then there's no hope?

I know all I can do is see whether he makes the changes and sustains them and whether that is enough to change how I feel but I'm interested in what people think about 'the truth being said in anger'.

OP posts:

InternetFOREVER · 19/07/2014 19:12

Mm, I think often what is said in anger is whatever you know will hurt the other person - the aim is to cause maximum pain. This might coincide with the truth or might not.

IfYouCouldSeeMeNow · 19/07/2014 19:15

No. I can see the argument for what you say while drunk being true, but as internet said, what you say in anger is just designed to hurt. It's lashing out. I don't believe it's got any higher chance of being true.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 19:17

I think what people say in unguarded moments... and that can be when angry, drunk, 'joking', or when they think no-one's really listening etc .... is indicative of their real feelings, yes. An exaggeration, maybe, but it hasn't just come out of nowhere. More than that, I think that if you start down the path of a reasonable and important conversation and the other person chooses to be unreasonable, getting over-emotional, aggressive or stooping to personal insults, then they've really not got a leg to stand on. They know they've lost the argument, don't want to engage or discuss, and just want to manipulate or intimidate.

Saying 'I didn't mean it' or 'I don't really think that' is fair enough, but you follow up question is 'so why did you say something you don't really think?'

Kim82 · 19/07/2014 19:18

I agree with Internetforever. When in the middle of a blazing row with dh I've told him I hate him, wish I'd never met him and want a divorce. I don't feel like that at all, I was angry and wanted to hurt him. It's not a nice thing to do admittedly and I did apologise afterwards and say I didn't mean it but at the time I was so angry I said the first thing that came to my head and knew would hurt. (I'm evil, I know..)

lettertoherms · 19/07/2014 19:18

I think there are two types.

People who say in anger things they feel deep down but normally wouldn't out of consideration for the other's feelings. Like, "I hate spending time with your mother!" Whether those things can be forgiven depends on what was said.

The other type is when it may not be how a person feels, but in anger, they wish to hurt you emotionally, and so say something specifically to upset and hurt you in the way they know will hurt most. That type of behavior is unnacceptable imo.

Lweji · 19/07/2014 19:26

I agree with letter.

Neither option is good for the other person.

AuntieStella · 19/07/2014 19:33

"However, within about 10 minutes he's calmed down and become more rational and said that's not how he feels/what he thinks..."

Does he then tell you what he does think and feel?

"...and that he'll change."

And always remember that someone who says they will change, they haven't changed yet.

He appears to bestonewalling, derailing communication and dangling a promise of 'jam tomorrow'. Is that the whole picture, or has anything actually improved, or at least been acted on?

newnamesamegame · 19/07/2014 20:06

I think stuff said in anger almost always has a grain of relation to what you really think. It would be hard, in an argument and when agitated, to drag up something completely out of the blue.

On the other hand, I think things said in anger can often by significantly distorted and blown out of proportion. You may drag something up from a past argument which at the time was of really minor importance to you because you think it gives you leverage in the context of what you are discussing.

For example, you may not really have given a shit that your partner didn't empty the dishwasher last night, but in the context of him accusing you of not doing enough housework it becomes a bargaining chip which you will then feel at liberty to use.

Beckyboo4 · 19/07/2014 20:45

I sadly said some hurtful things to my dad last month and I am so ashamed still. It is no excuse but he was ranting at me for over 20 mins about something so trivial that I snapped and said some things that I knew would hurt his feelings. The minute they left my mouth I knew I was wrong to say these things. It was in the heat of the moment and for maximum impact. What I said hurt my dads feelings, I could see it on his face and what I said wasn't true. It was all in the heat of the moment. I'm not sure my dad believed my apologies even though they were sincere but I cannot take the words back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 20:50

And the hurtful things you said Beckyboo4... were they plucked out of thin air and completely made up in order to wound? Or did they contain some truth?

Beckyboo4 · 19/07/2014 20:52

Plucked out the air in order to wound

Beckyboo4 · 19/07/2014 20:55

The thing is in the heat of the moment you will say just about anything to hurt the other person. whether there is truth what is said is irrelevant, the person hearing it will always wonder whether its the truth.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 20:55

If the man who is allegedly trying to forge a better marriage with the OP is also plucking hurtful lies out of the air to be deliberately obnoxious... then I don't think he's serious about resolving the problems.

Bearandcub · 19/07/2014 20:59

I have definitely said things that I don't feel or believe to be true but know they will hurt.

Beckyboo4 · 19/07/2014 21:02

Well the OP said he is trying hard and the OP thinks there is hope so maybe there is hope and he will change. He certainly is making the effort so he may of just said things in anger. I was just saying I said some things I didn't mean and he might have done the same.

Meerka · 19/07/2014 21:06

I'm with lettertohermes, I think there are things said in anger where the truth spills out, and also things said deliberately to hurt even though they aren't true. Which is childish, but it takes a while to grow out of it and see how bloody unhelpful and damaging they are.

If he is really trying, genuinely trying, then judge by actions not words. But that effort needs to be consistent and not just for 1 week or 2 months. It's also ok, later on, to call him on what he says in anger. But if he's really trying hard and means it, then leave it until thigns are more solid.

Original poster

lilywidget · 23/07/2014 20:40

Thanks everyone for responding.

He's certainly changed his behaviour to both me and the children and seems truly devastated that I've been feeling the way I have and for so long totally blaming himself though I have said I should have made my feelings known sooner.

Some things he said were truly ridiculous and I know are not true e.g. he'd leave the country if we split up so I 'wouldn't get a penny' from him, that he would 'kill me' if I hurt the kids, that I should 'see a shrink to sort my head out' as I was clearly delusional.

Other things are more believable as they are supported, in my opinion, by how he has treated me over the years i.e. that everything other than his job and taking one of our children to his sporting commitments is down to me and I should be grateful that he does as much as he does (takes out the kitchen bin, cooks some meals, mows the front lawn, empties the dishwasher).

We both work full time and we have 3 DC's aged 8, 10 & 12.

He's really changed what he's doing and I know he's deeply upset - not sleeping, crying and so on.

We both know that changing for a week is not enough. And I don't know if he can ever do enough for long enough to change how I feel - I fell out of love with him a long time ago. But that should probably be the subject of another thread.

OP posts:

Lweji · 23/07/2014 21:48

The day exH said he'd kill me was the day I left him.

You may think what he said is unbelievable, but he did say it. Along with other things.

I wouldn't recommend that you stay with him at all, and in fact you should leave and report it to the police.

People who love eachother don't say those things. And if he said them, it's because it has entered his mind.
I cannot stress enough that you should leave, for your children as welll.

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