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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of this pearl of wisdom from my ex mother in law about her son's affair

19 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 19/07/2014 08:37

I've posted the dramas of my extremely dysfunctional stbx husband on here . He followedthe mld life crisisscript to the letter. Gaslighted, blame shifted, conducting an affair with a much younger work colleague. He begged me not to divorce him. Told me I was his soul mate and he'd made a massive mistake. He said he'd spend the rest of his life making up to me. What he actually did was carry on with her. I started divorce proceedings but for the sake of the children have been pleasant to his mother who met this woman while the affair was going on. Yesterday she half apologised but then went on to say she'd thought long and hard about what I'd done to drive him to an affair. I said he was a. 40 year old man responsible for his own actions and if he unhappy he should have left not cheated. She said I was naive and he had to be sure what he wanted before he left. I also said I was upset that he's seen the children once in 6 months when he introduced him to her. She said that 's them being considerate trying to take it slowly for the children. Surely a big introduction and then nothing is confusing ? I'm coming up to a year since discovery. I'm coping but still hugely resentful that I 'be been left with. 4 children while they congratulate each other about how right their actions have been. Should I let this go and remain pleasant for children 's sake. My stbx put his arms round me and told me I was "hot" when he visited last. I told my mother in law this but she's so convinced he's found his true love I could see she thought I was lying

OP posts:
Davidtennantmistress · 19/07/2014 08:45

Sounds much like my xmil, she had the audacity to say it was my fault my x walked out and that all men cheated and were abusive to their wives it was a part of marriage and I should accept that he would do it, given that she and xfil cheat on each other openly, are alcoholics and he once was so violent she wouldn't go up the stairs to walk past their bedroom I thought it was a bit rich to expect me to tolerate that!

Some mothers won't see the bad in their children.

Cabrinha · 19/07/2014 08:55

And did you tell him to get his filthy fucking hands off you?
I do hope so.
Are you reliant on the XMIL for childcare?
If so, polite distance and if she mentions him at all stick to saying "please don't".
If not - walk away. She will never be on Team FourKids. She can see the grandchildren when her son gets his finger out of his arse.

Steben · 19/07/2014 08:56

Frankly if I were you I would stop taking the high road by engaging with this woman and leave it to your ex to arrange visits between her and the children. She doesn't sound like she deserves your good grace.

avocadogreen · 19/07/2014 09:16

Just don't engage with her. You don't have to.

My exMIL was all 'we'll.always be here for you, we'll do anything to help' when I discovered exH's affair and kicked him out. She called me a few times and I thought I could rely on her, then gradually she stopped calling and I found out she had given him money, she had met the OW and thought she was great, she was telling people how hard life was for him since I'd 'kicked him out'. Now she never calls or texts me. And exH told me she is upset with me for deleting her from facebook! When I told him she s not exactly my friend anymore, he claimed it was because I had been 'funny' with her when she came round to borrow the lawnmower. This was 2 weeks after he had left, I have no idea what I did or said that was 'funny' but as I was going through hell at the time you would have thought she could cut me some slack if I wasn't my usual self...

I'm not bitter towards her, but she will always take her son's side, it's natural. She wants to believe what he says and can't deal with the uncomfortable truth of what he's done.

Onmyownwith4kids · 19/07/2014 09:18

I do rely on her to help out with the children. I've booked lots of leave in the summer holidays. I'm contemplating distancing myself from the whole family as I have found out I could get a lot of tax credits towards a nanny. My struggle is doing the right thing for the children. Is it denying them a relationship with their grandparents and their father if I try and remove them from my life because I find their comments hurtful. Mind you I don't want them exposed to her warped philosophy either

OP posts:
Needadvice5 · 19/07/2014 09:28

Although this isn't helpful I honestly think it's a MIL thing!

My MIL asked what I had done to deserve my latest black eye????

Needless to say I'm well and truly free of the lot of them!

Cabrinha · 19/07/2014 09:32

It really isn't up to you to support the relationship with her, it's up to her son.
And I KNOW you're falling into the trap of "well he should be he won't so I have to do it cos it's for the kids".
And that's understandable, and it's admirable.
Guess who texted the XMIL to offer summer holiday dates this week?!
But... you'll make the problem worse, probably. Stop arranging her time with them. Let her harangue her son. Result could well be that the kids see more of their arsehole father too.
I really believe that the most valuable relationships for children are those with people who care enough about them to make the effort themselves.

something2say · 19/07/2014 10:07

I'm not sure I agree with this. I tend to think that grandparents on the fathers side can be useful in many ways. And it is nice for the children.

I think the main thing is to be neutral with them. To face whatever truth you have to about your ex and his behaviour, but try to factor his parents into life if possible while not agreeing with anything they say that gets him off the hook.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 10:11

Few mothers are ever going to take someone else's side against their DCs, however badly they have behaved. You urgently need to make different arrangements to replace whatever help she gives you I'm afraid. She's currently a combination of spy in the camp and PR department for your STBX. You don't need that within 20 miles of you, never mind in your home.

ivykaty44 · 19/07/2014 11:26

I would tell her to stop making excuses for her son to you as you don't believe a word of it so stop wasting her breath filling the air with her highly potent shit.

Tryharder · 19/07/2014 11:46

Be polite and neutral.

Facilitate the relationship between her and your children where possible but don't feel you have to go massively out of your way or put up with shit.

Accept that she will take her son's side as he is her son but she is still your children's grandmother and doesn't deserve to be cast aside because her son behaved badly.

Twinklestein · 19/07/2014 12:15

I only had one grandparent that I remember, she was so awful I'd rather not, the others were dead. If you don't have them you don't miss them.

I would make alternative childcare arrangements and get yourself away from both of them. As everyone has said it's your ex's job to organise contact.

At the very least taking a firm line may make her think twice about being so obnoxious. If she wants easy access to her grand kids she needs to behave herself.

Isetan · 19/07/2014 12:55

A smart woman would avoid the subject of her twat son completely, especially if she's relying on you to maintain contact with her GC. Firmly tell twat's mum, that your Ex is no longer a topic for discussion and if she doesn't respect that, then she can roll the dice when you handover GC maintenance contact responsibilities to her son (self interest is a great motivator).

It's not unusual for some men post split to expect the mother of their children to continue and even increase the parental slack take-up. It's also a difficult mindset to escape when your faced with a lazy Dad who prioritises his labido above his parental responsibilities. There isn't a magic combination of words or actions that you could employ that would make this man step-up parentally. His parental responsibilities are exactly that, HIS. Your effort would be more successfully employed in supporting your children in dealing with having a selfish Dad. Lead by example and show your children that his parental failings are neither your fault or responsibility.

Clearly defined and policed boundaries are the only way to deal with the delusional and selfish.

Hopefully, karma will take care of the delusional self righteous OW.

Onmyownwith4kids · 19/07/2014 13:18

I so hope karma gets him in the end. I hate the idea that cheated on people somehow deserve what's happened to them. Avocado, read your thread and related to it as such a similar story to mine. Hope you're ok. My daughter keeps asking why daddy never comes and I feel awful. I don't know what to say. He's gone from saying he wants custody and his kids mean everything to hardly seeing them but in his head he's doing half the parenting.

OP posts:
Isetan · 19/07/2014 13:25

Onmyownwith4kids, I implore you to find the words. Kids have an uncanny knack for making the poor behaviour of adults their responsibility.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 18:54

There is no such thing as karma. No 'natural justice' balancing things out. You make your own karma.....

Legoaddict · 19/07/2014 19:34

My MIL told me that "he's just a normal man, it's what they all do" and informed me that I should be over it after a fortnight. We don't talk now funnily enough and she hasn't bothered to see her GS for months now.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/07/2014 19:47

Write this out on a card for the next time the exMiL calls.

"Dear exMiL. One of the very few advantages of your cheating wanker of a son breaking his wedding vows by fucking another woman behind my back, is that I no longer have to pretend to give a shit what you think. Goodbye"

Learn this by heart.

pinkbear82 · 20/07/2014 19:31

My ex mil told me if I 'tried harder' my px wouldn't have to be working so hard, or looking else where to have his needs met.... We had a 5 month old baby, he'd missed the birth from being in prison for something he did years before meeting me, the baby had been seriously ill, and he wasn't working hard he was off shagging at least two other woman.... It was that comment that made me leave.

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