Mother in emotionally abusive relationship

[creativevoid]

Sorry, long, but trying not to drip feed:
I split from my emotionally abusive H in October and he left the
House suddenly, in a police car, in January. The process of realising the truth about my marriage also made me realise that my parents' marriage, which I knew was dysfunctional ( father alcoholic, controlling with money, mother "crazy") was actually abusive as well. My father died nearly 20 years ago and after a few years of freedom in which she seemed to blossom, my mother married a man I have never liked. Other than after the birth of my 2 children, when she was explicitly told not to bring him, I have not seen her without him. They live in the US so visits are infrequent but long. After H left they came for three weeks to help. During this time I realised their relationship is also abusive. It was very traumatic for me to relive my father's and husband's behaviour through how he was treating my mother. I resolved not to expose my children to this any more, so not to stay with them, and to tell my mother that he can't visit here. However so far I have not said anything (no visits planned). I feel like I should tell her that I think she is being abused but am afraid if I do she will reject it and me. I can't really deal with the situation so have pulled away but feel like I am assisting an abuser in isolating his victim. And I feel angry at her for ruining her life by making the same mistake twice, and I feel terrified that I will do the same. Does anyone have any advice on whether to confront her, or leave it?

First, pause, breathe and think.
Second, think through the signs that made you realise your mother's relationship is abusive, so that you are ready to talk about them if you have to.
Then wait.
It might be that when you talk to your mother about your relationship with your exH, she notices, for herself, some of the similarities between her relationship and yours.
If not, when it comes to having to make arrangements for visits, you'll be able to explain clearly and simply why you can't have the kind of visits you've had before.
Don't rush. She's had years of this and won't change at the drop of a hat.

When you were in an abusive relationship, did anyone try to point it out to you? How did you react at the time? What was it, in the end, that put you wise to your ex's behaviour?

Ultimately, like you, your DM is an adult who is free to make her own decisions and even make her own mistakes. You have learned from your mistakes whereas she hasn't. You are entitled to express how you feel and she is entitled to ignore your opinion.

My mother is in total denial about the domestic abuse she experiences at the 'hands' (not physical abuse) of my father. So don't assume she will have a revelation when you recount your experiences - it is likely she will minimise a lot of it, because that's what she does in her own life. My mum thought my abusive ex was marvellous and that I was being difficult to complain. I left abusive ex over 20 years ago and I still have a reputation for being 'difficult'. my mum flatly refuses to entertain any idea that her husband is an abuser - she's 85 so there's not a lot of space left for change.

You could refer her to Lundy Bancroft's work - Why Does He Do That is a seminal book to read - for you, too, of course. Get on the Freedom Programme OP, it's a great resource to fireproof you against a future abuse dynamic, as well as invaluable support as you unpick the horror of your marriage. Xx

My mother is in total denial, which is why I'm not sure how to proceed. After my father's death I asked her why she stayed with him and she answered "because he loved me." Even at the time I didn't think that was much of an answer. When my mother arrived to help I told her the truth about how H treated me. She said, you were right to leave. I'd never let anyone treat me that way. My brother (who was there) and I had a good laugh about it the next day.

It was reading Lundy Bancroft on the recommendation of a friend which made me understand the reality. I've thought of sending her the book ( under the pretext of understanding my situation). But based on previous experience I think, what's the point. And I'm a bit afraid she'll tell her husband everything and that will be the end of our (already very superficial) relationship.

Sending her the book is a great idea. But going NC with her just because you don't like how her dh treats her is pathetic if you ask me! What sort of person would say oh well your getting abused so I'm having nothing more to do with you.

It's her life and she should be free to live it without the threat of your conditions attached to it.

I would never go NC with her. I love her. I'm afraid if I confront her she will go NC with me.

From your mother's remark, she's too deep in her delusion. If she doesn't even see the way she's being treated as similar to you in that conversation, she ain't gonna read no book!!!! You are not your mother - in part because she's probably had 20 more years abuse to condition her thinking and god knows what in her background, chipping her self-esteem down to zero. When your friend gave you the Lundy Bancroft book it probably wasn't out of nowhere. So think hard about the run up to your moment of realisation - the way you were feeling, specific events, specific conversations.