Darling partner agreed to marry me - how to move on with ex and finances

[shesbonkersimnuts]

I met my partner last September and fell in love soon after with her and her seven year old daughter. Two months ago I asked her to marry me and she agreed which has made me very happy. However, neither of us have talked or indeed thought properly about what' next which is no doubt naive but there we are.

I've never been married. My partner has, to a really selfish ££££ (multiple affairs / prostitutes / S&M clubs). It took my partner a long time to leave and move on but she's still struggling to deal with things (I think). They had their marriage annulled nearly three years ago (in Massachusetts in the States) but have not got a legally binding settlement in terms of her allowance / support for her daughter.

I love both to bits and will do heaven and earth to support and care for both but I do not earn the same money as my partners ex. She, perfectly reasonably, won't set a target date for our wedding which when I look at this rationally makes sense - she has a very generous allowance now, school fees are paid for and the flat we are all living in is taken care of by him.

On a more emotional, non rational basis it bothers me that we can't plan when to get married. Talking with a friend tonight who has been married and divorced shed new light on things for me. For example, currently what she receives from her ex is way more than the CSA would support. He also made the point that the nearer you get to getting married the more risk there is that her ex could start playing up.

I'm not sure what questions I have but I'd be interested in hearing what other people here on Mumsnet might think about my situation. Apologies if it's a bit ramble / long winded.

Sounds like your concern is that your DP gets a generous allowance from her Ex, including her flat which you are also living in, which she stands to lose if her ex finds out you are getting married, is that the problem?

Is this a concern that you and your DP have discussed, or is this something that you are thinking about?

Do you own a property that you could move into if the money situation took a turn for the worst?

I dont think its a good idea to take the word of your friend, after all their comment can only ever be conjecture, he doesnt know the ex so how will he know how he will react. You need to work with facts.

Just trying to work out what the actual problem is that you are trying to solve...

Thanks for the resonse

Yep, she is worried she will loose allowance / flat / school feels etc. if Ex finds out. I completely understand that that and respect that.

I'd still like to get married though. But maybe the marriage thing is just a bit of paper and what really matters is getting on with life and loving each other / respecting each other?

I've not talked properly to my DP as she's not really a talker. I am but...

Was their financial settlement agreed in in court or have they done it themselves?

I'm not an expert on this... but in my own parents situation, my dad was required to pay maintenance for my brother and I until we left full time education (inc university) and he continued to pay my mother spousal maintenance until she remarried.

I don't think he can just decide to stop paying (although that doesn't necessarily mean he won't! but it wouldn't be legal to do so if it was a legal financial settlement) but any money she personally receives from him would probably stop if you married.

Why don't you get proper legal advice? There will be people on here who are experienced in this field generally, but without knowing the specifics of your partner's situation, they will still only be able to speculate on the outcome really.

I've not talked properly to my DP as she's not really a talker. I am but...

So, playing devil's advocate, how long do you think you can continue with her not talking and you continuing to accept she isn't really a talker? Will that pattern continue indefinitely? I would urge you to encourage open conversation with your DP.

Entering into a permanent commitment means talking through financial options and challenges. If they are swept under the carpet as if they will just sort themselves out magically, you are setting yourselves up for serious issues later down the line.

I would be more worried about communication than anything else. If you work as a team and take decisions jointly you will be better off in the long run.

The choice is your's...

Are you in the US?
Legal advice based on UK experience won't help you if so.
It's not uncommon for financial agreements here to have clauses about remarriage.

But... slow down. You've known her less than a year. You proposed after just 8 months. There's a child involved. You can't talk thoroughly and openly with her. Her divorce isn't completed in terms of finances. You have no idea if marriage would affect that. He was abusuve and therefore not to be relied upon. She isn't over her marriage - just think, but don't even know!

You should absolutely not be getting married yet.

And in the meantime, as you both have no accommodation cost, save like crazy so that you have money put by for when her financial agreement inevitably changes.

Also on her refusing to set a date...
She doesn't want to marry you.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth.

If she said "I'd like to marry you, but you know what - I would lose all this £££, so I won't" - then fair enough. You don't havd to be happy with that, but it's a valid enough reason.

But it sounds like you don't even know why.

I thought that the only time a marriage can be annulled is when it has not been consummated. For example the Catholic Church gets round divorce by agreeing to annul the marriage if the couple have not DTD.

So it gives an unclear picture...

Also a formal breakup of a marriage requires resolution on financial arrangements.

It seems a bit vague in the OP so its difficult to give much advice

So you only met her ten months ago?

Slow your roll.

If she really wants to marry you then she will get this sorted, in time. Maybe she just thinks it's all a bit soon and she needs a bit longer to decide that she is sure enough about your relationship to risk giving up her financial security?

Stop hassling her about getting married; its very off putting.

See how things are in 5 years time.

It does sound as if you need to improve the ways you communicate.

If the marriage has been annulled (as opposed to it ending in divorce) it means that legally it never existed. Depending on jurisdiction, her ex may have obligations to support his children. Irrespective of what happens (or doesn't) in your relationship, I think the glaringly important thing is that she gets a proper settlement for the DC. Otherwise she will be left dependent on the goodwill of a shit-sounding ex for the next 11 years. That is a really bad position for her to be in.