Should we stay together?

[FurCoat]

I've been married for 4 years, and have a 2 year old, but am increasingly worried it was a mistake, and that we will never be happy.

We've had problems and difficulties from the start. My DH has always been hypersensitive and can't take any kind of practical conversation, or joke. Basically anything that makes reference to him sends him into a terrible mood. He will have a sort of outburst (not a frightening one) and then go to bed and refuse to make up before the next morning.

We try to talk but he gets very wound up by even the slightest thing I do. All the other personality things that might have seemed like loveable quirks to another partner he hates, and constantly says I need to change etc. It seems to me that he wants a very flat relationship played on very normal, bog standard rules - almost like two people who didn't know each other at all.

We parent together ok, but in the sense that we are individually two good parents rather than a good unit. It's always a struggle -- we often end up arguing for no reason. Usually (always) him taking offence.

I just don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him he just refuses to engage, and tells me I need to go away and 'take a long hard look at myself' and 'it's all my fault'. He seems melodramatic in the extreme and so different to me.

On the basis of your post I would question what you get out of the relationship?

It seems as though he is making demands of you and that there is little or no compromise on his part. Not being able to challenge him on his behaviour must be exhausting and sulking is both childish and controlling.

He sounds like he will not change his behaviour and so ultimately the question you have to answer is are you willing to tolerate it?

At first I was going to ask if he had Aspergers perhaps but as I read more I thought 'nah he's just an arse'.

This environment will be very damaging for your child as they grow and see how you're treated and how he behaves.

You haven't been married very long and you have both been through one of the most stressful experiences ( baby ) that a couple can ever go through. You loved this man enough to marry him. Can you remember the delicious honeymoon period when he practically even loved your Poo? Before you think of going down the road of divorcing him, don't you think you should try exhaustively to see how you can improve things? Second marriages do not do as well as you think. I think you owe it to your baby and yourself to be able to say ' I left no stone unturned to try to save my marriage' looking for blame should not be an option, looking for a positive solution should be. If you divorce him, I no one will get away scot free, all three of you will be affected.

You've not been married long, but long enough. If you're bored, unhappy, feeling bullied or just generally not into it why not move on sooner rather than later? You can continue to be effective parents apart. FWIW I don't like the sound of your DH - he thinks you should change? He's huffy and gives silent treatment...nah not fun!

Why are you actually together at all now, what is in this relationship for you?. My guess is as well your DH has always been like this and his behaviour has also worsened since the arrival of your child.

He is also projecting onto you as well which is very worrying not just to say controlling. Controlling behaviour it itself abusive behaviour.

One person alone cannot even attempt to try and save a marriage, both parties have to be equally committed to doing so.

Is this really the role model of a relationship that should be shown to an impressionable child?. What is this child actually learning from the two of you about relationships?.