Do you feel pressure to maintain

[lasslancashire]

a 'perfect' home, housekeeping wise?

I am 23 a moved into my first home with my DP in Feb this year. I have been out of the house since 18 but always lived in shared houses (as did DP), where you would almost never invite friends/family home but if they did and thought the kitchen/bathroom were rank, you can just blame it on other housemates.

Now we live on our own I feel the pressure of keeping everything perfect almost unbearable at times. My granny used to say to me the way to know if your house is clean is through embarrassment, if someone were to come in your house right now, is there something to be embarrassed about? But I would be 'embarrassed' if the bed wasn't perfectly made or if there was plates on the draining board.

DP is also fastidiously tidy and I feel under pressure to do the majority of the cleaning as I work significantly less hours than him (I do between 45-50 whilst he does around 70). He does more than his share of tidying on his days off but is just not around enough to do any 'deep cleaning.'

The other day at work I said to a colleague that I would be glad to finish soon as I hadn't made the bed this morning and DP wouldn't be happy if he came home to that. She sounded shocked and said 'why, will he beat you?!' in a jokey way but is it ok/normal to feel so worried about keeping things clean?

I ask DP to give me at least 24hr notice of bringing anyone around so I can ensure it the house looks nice. As a kid my parents were very serious about keeping an ordered house to the point of not sitting on the cushions of the couches so they didn't sag, washing the pots from making your dinner BEFORE sitting down to eat it etc. However I am a naturally messy person and when I lived alone my room was always a mess but now I am with DP who hates mess I am always clearing up after my self of fear of annoying him.

When I have my days off all my plans are around cleaning the house, doing the laundry, doing shopping. Is this simply the sharp shock of being an adult in the big bad world or am I worrying too much?

How much cleaning can possibly be required?!

To be honest, I think you should talk to your GP about your anxiety levels. Something is making you anxious, and it may be that the cleaning is just how that is manifesting itself, it may be that if you had a cleaner, you'd transfer your anxiety elsewhere.

It's not even necessarily helpful to compare. My friend's place looks like a show home - but she likes it that way? And feels no anxiety.

Something isn't right here - but it may not be whether the beds are made or not.

Its true that people do have very different standards, what's appallingly messy for one person would be tolerable for another. There's certainly nothing wrong with being houseproud.

But it sounds like this is beginning to encroach on your ability to enjoy life. Its just not possible to keep a house that clean all the time unless you never do anything else, in which case why bother having a house at all.

The thing your granny said is fairly standard for that generation but in all honesty those days are gone. She was probably from a generation where she wasn't expected to do much other than clean and maintain the home and cook. Things have changed considerably since then. I think if you're totally honest with yourself, you will recognise that that kind of mindset is not really just about "cleanliness" its about the need for women to be seen to be on top of things all the time, for reasons of keeping up appearances.

In reality, a home will become messy from time to time, that is just the way life works. Its impossible to prevent this, and you rushing around cleaning every surface every time someone has had a cup of tea and plumping cushions won't actually prevent this. Its actually not rational to try to control the state of the house that much.

Nor will your friends (if they are real friends) care whether your cushions are plumped or not. There is a spectrum of cleanliness. No one wants to sit in a filthy house, but anyone who notices whether cushions have been plumped needs to get out more and is probably not a good friend.

I don't know enough based on what you have posted to now if your DP is part of the problem or not, but it does sound as if this is becoming a source of anxiety for you which is not entirely healthy.

I think you should go to the GP and discuss it....

I used to be a bit like this then I had kids...

DP is coming off really badly here. I probably do about 70% of the housework but DP does all the cooking. He will cook a 'proper' meal about 4 times a week and make snacks/pack lunches for me when he's not around, he isn't some chauvinistic pig.

When we first moved in he didn't lift a finger around the house and after about two months I sat down and told him I couldn't manage it on my own and he immediately started to help out. But I feel worse now. When he has a late start or half day he manages to do all the chores and sort the house out beautifully but when it's me I just want to chill and relax and watch telly but all the time in the back of my mind I'm thinking 'oh I should be doing that' or 'if I don't start cleaning now I won't have time to clean this' so I don't even enjoy myself anyway really. I feel crap that DP can manage his time better than me and everything seems so effortless for him. I feel like I am not good enough at times.

newnamesagame yes it is about keeping up appearances. When I was younger I always judged friends houses and their cleanliness (inwardly) and was happy to come home to my (at times too) perfect house. I dread someone else doing the same to me and thinking I'm too lazy to keep a nice house. Even the knowing that none of my friends would think like this, I still can't stop the feeling.

You sound very anxious about this OP, do you have anxiety issues in general, or is there anything else going on in your life that you're worried about?

The comment: I feel like I am not good enough at times suggests you may have self esteem issues, are you worried about your relationship?

On a more practical level, can you afford a cleaner to help out? Even just a couple of hours a week would help.

My MIL is from Lancashire and a fearsome housekeeper. She sets her alarm early to do the housework, and sets a lot of store by keeping a tidy house it s part of her self respect I think. I know she thinks my place is slumy in comparison. But I really don t care. When I go round to people s homes I find it slightly disconcerting if they are perfect and museum like. I feel more relaxed if there s some low grade untidiness here and there. If someone is judging others ( and it'll usually be women being judged) on a less than perfect home, then really they have a problem , not the householder.
The feeling of mastering one s environment can be a way of feeling in control of one s life. Not to say I feel in perfect control and have no need to worry about housework ( I'm anxious about quite a few things) it' s just housework isn' t one of my ways of appeasing anxiety.

Although your DP is also fastidious, I read your posts as showing that a lot of this "pressure" is coming from within you, OP. (And perhaps that was a factor in choosing a like-minded man as your DP).

Your anxiety about housekeeping standards appears to have long predated your moving in with him, and has its roots in childhood conditioning (from granny onwards) reinforced by how you have lived since.

You are both working long hours, and simply do not have the time to be your granny as well. But shaking off the internal voice which is telling you that you should is not going to be easy.

What is communication with DP like generally? Have you ever had a conversation about the pressures of housekeeping when there is little time for it?

Just one thing to add to all the others (sorry if point already made and I missed it): that word 'help'.

If you're both working, your OH shouldn't be 'helping' you; he should be pulling his weight in the home you share.

He might well be doing that already, timewise, but if you're thinking of it as your responsibility and he's graciously doing things that are actually your job, that's an unnecessary pressure you're putting on yourself.

You both work long hours.

Get a cleaner.