How can I support my friend during the breakdown of her marriage?

[LumionaMoonsplash]

She found out yesterday that he'd been in contact with other women and after a big discussion found out that he didn't love her anymore. She's crushed of course and I'm completely in shock for her. I want to be there for her but have no experience and need practical advice on how I can help her through this. They've decided to patch up the house and get iton the market and go their separate ways. She's been divorced before but this is the first time with a child. She's the main earner and pays for the bills but doesn't think she'll be able to afford it all on her own. Her child has a serious medical condition which means regular hospital appointmrnts and emergencies. Her H doesn't pull his weight at home or helping her attend these appointments.

What practical advise can I give? Should they stay in the house together for the time being, if so should she only pay her half of the bills so she can get funds together to rent on her own? Should she move out and leave him to deal with the house or kick him out and risk being financially crippled? She's a strong woman but had been knocked for six understandably.

I'm out of my depth with the practical support so I'm asking for some MN wisdom.

I don't think this is the time for advice but the time to listen and be supportive. Your friend is in shock at the moment, she will be trying to go in ten different directions at once, and her immediate needs will include just getting from the start of the day to the end in one piece. When she's a little less fragile she'll need to think about getting legal advice. A solicitor will walk her through the pros and cons of how to deal with the property, what is a fair financial settlement and what to do about access to the DC(s). But for now, she will just need a friend, a big box of tissues and acknowledgement of her feelings.

You are right, I just feel so useless. She's the kindest and most generous person I know, I really don't want to see her get screwed over.

If you don't want to see her get screwed over the best suggestion is to tell her to agree to nothing formally before she's had chance to run it by a solicitor. 'Doing nothing' at this stage can be a very sensible strategy because judgement can be impaired by shock. No-one should move out, put the house on the market, agree to maintenance amounts or anything similar. Kind, generous people can get in the 'I don't want to take him to the cleaners' frame of mind, thinking they're being noble, but end up selling themselves short.

The exception is immediate money. Whether they are together or apart, bills still need to get paid.

I can only tell you want friends, strangers and family have done for me - which has got me this far.

Do's

Listen to her.

Let her cry. And cry, and cry.

Let her re-tell the stories time and time again - it's part of the processing.

Go for walks with her, or other activities which get her out the house - a long drive, a visit to a nice place. Just be around and keep the invites up.
Remind her why you're her friend - what you find likeable, admirable, interesting about her - her self esteem is through the floor right now.
Tell her why other people like her (ditto).

Do some baby sitting for her if you can, so she can get out and do things she needs/wants to do, or just sleep - sleeplessness is par for the course right now.

And listen to her. And then listen some more.

Don'ts.

Don't slag him off (by extension you are slagging her off her life choices)
Don't tell her what to do - this really riled me at one point as I felt that the biggest decision of my life had been taken for me and I was suffering the consequences. I most definitely did not want other people making decisions for me.
Don't try to fix her - right now, time is the only healer.
Don't tell her what to think. It truly is the time of you life where your point of view changes every five minutes from despair, to self-pity, to anger, to fury, to panic, to despair again. Every five minutes! It's exhausting.

I've said time and time again in recent weeks that people are amazingly brilliant during tough times - and people I barely knew have been utterly generous with time and support, the only positive thing to have come out of this. Since you've asked for help on how to be a friend - that makes you a marvellous person for her to have on her team right now. Well done you!

PS I found a solicitor on Team WellWhoKnew a vital member as well. I did try counselling but it didn't help me initially. I've just admitted I need more help, so found another counsellor who seems more suitable for me. So don't see it as the be-all and end-all - it may or may not be helpful.

Reading with interest. I'm in your friends position. Told me it's over on Monday.

I can't think straight yet. One minute I'm ok,next I'm sobbing. He's still in house.I've come away to family but dreading how to return.

All friends have been wonderful though. Just knowing I'm loved by someone helps.

Yes, I agree with others. Help your friend by offering a shoulder to cry on and encourage her to see a solicitor.

You sound a nice friend. Let her talk as much as she wants. She needs to see a solicitor and you could point her in the direction if this board and others such as legal on here.