Why has my mother kept this letter she wrote for me? This is long I am sorry.

[askyfullofstars]

Long story short, my mother and I have only really had a relationship since I grew up and moved out. When I was growing up she was insufferable to live with, and I know it sounds ridiculous but I only really realise how awful she made me feel since she started offering me parenting advice (like Im going to take it from her).
As an example, when I was 19 I had a viral infection, that was so bad I ended up severely dehydrated and in hospital, the night I got it I was up all night (sorry this is a bit graphic), it was blowing out of every orifice, all night, and I was crying in pain with cramps.
My mother did nothing at all, but the next morning, as I was laying on my bed curled up crying in pain, the only thing she said to me that morning was that she was totally pissed off, I had kept her awake all fucking night and now she had to get up and go to fucking work. No, do you need anything, are you ok nothing.
Anyway, as I have got older my relationship with her has changed, and where she can still be a bit, well, volatile, things are generally good. She adores my DS and he loves her to bits (he is 3).
When he was a few months old we went to visit my family (we live about 150 miles away), and she completely flew off the handle massively overreacted because we didnt stay at her house for our whole stay.We tried to split the visit so that we could see everyone spent most of the time at my mums and the last night at my brothers - he lives a bit further out, so there would be no point visiting him from my mums, then driving all the way back to hers for the night to drive all the way back home, my brothers is sort of on the way back. Still with me?
Anyway, she does massively overreact at stuff and this was one of those times. When I arrived home, she called me and told me she had something to say to me and so she had wrote it down and I was to let her read it out. I just thought she would be massively (ridiculously) upset over what she saw was a snub, so I listened.
She basically listed every failing I have ever had as a daughter to her, trouble I got into when I was younger (not serious), how she was disappointed in me, everything. It was like the worlds worst 'This is Your Life".
Anyway, I was massively upset and this took a long time to get over.
Fast forward to Christmas last year (so about a year and a half later), we went to visit and went out for dinner. I had stupidly forgotten my hairbrush so I asked if I could borrow hers. She told me its in the set of drawers next to bed and to help myself.
When I opened the drawer, I pulled the hairbrush out, and there, underneath it, was the letter she wrote a year and a half ago.
I dont even know why, but it hurts that she would hang on to it. A letter she wrote to me, telling me how disappointed and angry she was/is with me (over something bloody ridiculous), listing every failing I have ever had. I am the only child she has that bothers to call her regularly, visit and i actually care about her/worry about her, why does she need to hang on to something so nasty and hurtful?
I know I should've said something at the time but I was just shocked and now every so often my mind wanders to it and I want to know, but I know asking would mean her flying off the handle again and telling me I shouldn't be snooping.

Because she LOVES the drama and when she's feeling a bit bored and wants to get herself going again, she'll go and have a little read. She's probably proud of her turn of phrase in it or something.

Can you tell I have mother like this. Mine read my diaries when I was 17 and "confiscated" them because they said nasty things about her in them . A couple of years later I found them in her cupboard. Why? See above? I kept diaries for years but never do now, somehow she just put me right off!

As for your ds loving her. He's three, three year olds love anyone who is nice to them. It's not because she changes into a nice person round him or anything.

You know what I would do? I would tear that letter up then if she asked, I would tell her I had done it and if she was wanted to keep a written record of my failings then she would have to rewrite it. Or if you can't quite go that far just say "oh that? I used it to write a phone number on and then just chucked it out.

Oh. My. God.

You poor woman.

Your mother is a total bitch from hell.

She really is.

You didn't need that letter to confirm it.

What is she telling your ds? How do you know she is good to him?

I would have zero contact with such a self centred, cow who has no capacity for empathy of any kind. It sounds like she is intent on destroying your self esteem.

My word. Shake the hag off your back. She brings nothing but negative energy to you.

Oh my goodness - I agree. There is a reason other people don't keep in contact!

You have my sympathy /empathy nicki.

winky sometimes I wish I could, but she is the only parent I have left, and I know this sounds weird, but as I have got older our relationship has changed a lot. My father died and that obviously hit us both hard, and I genuinely think that since then she has tried to be better, I think she has realised that without us she would pretty much be alone, and now she makes the effort to be nice (which she is about 99.5% percent of the time), she will call and ask if we are ok, she was really good when DS was a baby I had PND, I know that now, I can rely on her in a way that I never used to be able to.

But then sometimes out of nowhere something like ^^that happens, and it throws me.

We live quite far away and as a result of that she doesnt really see us often, she plays with DS, reads him stories and watches movies with him, interacting with him in a way she never really did with us. Though I know she can never 100% be trusted, so DS will never stay at "nanny x's" alone for a weekend.

Also I think she has become depressed since my father died (I dont want to go into too much here, Im conscious of spilling my whole life on the internet) and so while she is making the effort, she will occasionally have low points and I think that (how can I put this), flares her old issues up.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are attached to.

If she is too toxic for you, she is FAR too toxic for your vulnerable and defenceless child.

If you are in doubt about making a choice, it’s best not to rely on family and friends to advise you. Seek professional help.

And remember, it’s always much easier to change your mind after deciding not to allow contact than is to change your mind after allowing it.

If your parents were not good parents, err on the side of caution, and if at all in doubt, say no. Your child is counting on you.

"I am the only child she has that bothers to call her regularly, visit and i actually care about her/worry about her, why does she need to hang on to something so nasty and hurtful?"

Its hard being the last one left but you really do need to ask yourself why you at all bother with her now given her ill treatment of you when you were younger.

BTW do your siblings have any sort of relationship with her now?

"If she is too toxic for you, she is FAR too toxic for your vulnerable and defenceless child."

Agree with this.

I would cut contact with her, and would have done so long ago, and I don't say that lightly.

I have three brothers atilla.
One lives overseas so he calls occasionally and comes to visit for Christmas/Birthdays, one lives about a half hour from her and he calls visits occasionally and takes my nephew round/has her over (though Im not sure the 'occasionally' in that sentence is a reflection about her he is just one of these people who is generally crap at keeping in touch) and my other brother is close with her, he is a recovering alcoholic and has some issues, he depends on her quite a lot.

I know the old " she will get better/things will get better" seems like a cliche but I genuinely see an improvement in her since my dad died, I think she is so afraid of being alone she is consciously trying to be better. But like I said above I know she can never 100% be trusted, so DS will never be alone with her.

You seem very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) still with regards to your mother. That is one damaging legacy of many that such people like your mother leave their now adult children.

She keeps that letter to remind her of your supposed failings as a person. Its a deliberate act on her part.

You have set boundaries re her and your child (and I am heartened to see that you will never leave him alone with her) but now you need to raise them for yourself and your mother.

Maybe she has simply forgotten about the letter or that it was there? It sounds as if she was quite unbalanced when she wrote it and has a history of struggling to cope.

Could you find time to go and see her, tell her what happened (that you found the letter) and that it has upset you, as you had thought things were better. Then ask her to burn the letter together.

Sorry if that's a crazy idea.

My own efforts to resolve family issues have been disastrous.

my mother is a far better grandmother than she was mother (she doesn't like children so gets bored of them after about a week).
It doesn't have to be all her imagination she may have actually improved

My mother is like this. Spoke to her about 10 years ago and I have not missed her or the drama she drags along with her.
No matter what you do some people will never be happy with you or change.
I have a book called horrible mothers it is worth a read?

Have you thought about writing her a similar letter back? Then you will find out if she likes the taste of her own medicine!

She kept it to beat you with it.
My mother wrote such a letter about my oldest sister (black sheep) and mailed it to my (toxic) middle sister (golden child) while she was at uni. That was in 1979. Mother passed in 1980. At Thanksgiving, 2004, the Toxic one pulls it out to share with oldest sister. Oldest sister is still working on going NC, as I have.

Thank you again to all the mumsnetters who have been essential help for us.

It takes a special kind of toxic arsehole to keep a letter for 25 years and then share it with the person it was about on a National Holiday.

I'm surprise your Toxic sister didnt get a smack from someone Band

She was vile to you as you were growing up. She has been vile to you as an adult.

But because she is nicer now, you have a relationship with her.

She isn't daft is she? She knows that without you and dependant son she will probably be alone. So she dangles a carrot and is nice to your son.

What she did, imo is unforgiveable. You couldn't imagine doing that to your children, why tolerate it from her?

I think it's great that you live so far away. I'd try to keep it that way for as long as possible. It has taken me a long time to distance myself from my mother. She still rings me once or twice a week but I keep it short and don't share anything with her anymore and only see her every couple months although she's only an hour away. It finally sunk in that she will never be that mother I craved all my life. I was sad about it for a very long time, would still be when I see how friends are with their mothers, but it's the way it is. She is the same as yours is now, knows she's getting old, fears being alone and is just being nice for fear she will have no one. Every once in awhile my mothers veneer has slipped and her true colours have shone through again.

Thanks for the responses. Its been quite cathartic to write this down.
Though I fear you may be right. Maybe I am just hanging on to hope she can change.
For instance, she bought my ds a bike for his birthday. He loved it.Then he fell off and spent a few months being afraid of getting back on it again. He has just started showing an interest in it again.
This morning we were out shopping and saw a couple of things ds might like for christmas so bought them and put them away.
Sent her a general text about cant believe its july and Ive already started christmas shopping. She texted back..."I hope he likes them more than his bike".
Maybe Im just sensitive but I just feel theres no need to be so mean about a three year old child.

I hate the word 'toxic'.

But I think it applies to your mother.

It's time to dramatically lower your expectations of your mother. That way you will be less disappointed OP. I am at some of the stuff on here!

Gift giving is a minefield, askyfullofstars (love your nn)
Sooo many hidden conditions attached. Especially the one where we are supposed to fall all over ourselves in giving adoration and everlasting thanks for the Toxic one's gift; anything less means trouble. Sound familiar?

Thanks, TaliZorahVasNormandy. This is how it went down:
Oldest sister's dh is an ea twat, unemployed for donkeys years (finally got a job this summer!). My dh had recently received a pretty big award at work, so the Toxic sister made a point to congratulate my dh at the Thanksgiving dinner table in front of the ea twat. Toxic sister did the letter to Oldest sister after dinner in private.

Oldest sister decided to put the letter down and immediately leave (250 miles home). Toxic sister whispered to the rest of us that it must have been Oldest sister's dh that was insulted so they were leaving because of that. She was so smug...ten years on, it is like it was yesterday. It took Oldest sister until '07 to tell me what had happened as I had been a proper doormat for years...in '07 I found MN.