Tired & fed up

[cookiemonster100]

Hi,

I am currently on mat leave with my 10 month old & due to return to work soon. I think the returning to work scenario has made me realise what a completely lazy arse I am married to, and it's just making me tired & fed up. I organise EVERYTHING & he gets told what needs to be done to help. Help who? Me? Why? Is this not OUR house so if so why are we not working as a partnership, not me being the organiser / co-ordinator. There is no initiative from him, he doesn't organise anything. It's all me. He operates in his world & I look after us.
Examples include past few nights I am still doing chores until 9 (clean kitchen, load dishwasher, sterilise bottles, water garden) while he unwinds. Or in the morning whilst making breakfast I unload the dishwasher, put washing on etc etc while he gets up & goes to work. If I want to go out I need to organise childcare but if goes out he can. How is this working as a partnership?
I find every time now I pull into the driveway I clinch up & get tense because I feel there is stuff to be done & resent him for not taking ownership for his share.
Every conversation turns into an argument. For example, Today I had a really lovely day with friends, come home, he is sat there doesn't ask how our day is or how are we it's a question that causes me another job like "what are we having for dinner", or "did you order the new fence panel". Turned into a argument & ruins a lovely day for me. They seem to happen often.
He works shifts & he seems to use that as an reason not to be able to do things. Ie he can't help with mornings if he is on nights. Or he can't do a morning feed if he is on lates coz he went to bed late & needs to sleep. For years I went along with it as that's what I thought he needed. That's until our new neighbours moved in recently & he does exactly the same shift pattern & he is out in the garden with his kids in the morning if he is on lates, or does nursery run after a night shift. I feel I have been totally mugged off here as it can be done but my husband chooses to use shifts as an excuse why he can't.
Sorry for the long rant, I am tired (emotionally), I am invisible & have no one to talk to. Thanks for reading x

I could have written your post. I don't have any advice I'm afraid. All I know is that if I was financially independent I would leave him.

Some days I wish I could, but if I be honest I want it to work so things need to change. There was a thread on here last week & one poster mentioned writing a list if what you do. I did that & what he did & surprise surprise I did a hell of a lot more than what he does.
Our communication is rubbish & the culture in this house of how we operate needs changing. But it's such a big task I don't know how to start. For example if a task was not finished, I finish it unbeknown to me hubby was going to finish it later. If I left it I can't guarantee it would be done as I know he gets distracted. Is it me? Am I too controlling & should I just let go & leave him to it?
If I walked out now, I won't be able to return part time & have quality time with my son. I would have to go full time & downsize. That's too bigger leap when we both need to culturally change our ways of how we approach stuff. I hate to say it but I think I am what you call an enabler :(

'Have you ordered the fence panel?' - nope! (and just sit there, with no further comment)

'What's for dinner?' - No idea, I've been out and just didn't feel like getting anything ready. Can you take care of it please?

What do you think would be his response? My DH would either get up and cook or go and get some takeaway if he was exhausted.

takeaway for all of us, btw.

I guess he has slipped into bad habits relying on your maternity leave as an excuse for you to do everything.

Make a list of all the household chores and how frequently they need doing, grouping together things that naturally go together. Show him the list and decide between you who does what. Then work out a rough timetable which you can go by for tbe first 4 weeks when you return to work (probably need to review any major difficulties after the first week or two).

Make it clear what he needs to do and when.

I hope he steps up for you.