How can I possibly overcome the emptiness caused by never having had a mum?

[samesh1t]

My mother was sometimes abusive and most of the time neglectful. She took me to and from school and that's where the parenting ended. She spent most weekends away from the family home, never came on holiday with us (dad and sibling) and left me with family during school holidays. She never brushed my hair, looked after me when I was sick, clothed me properly, cared what I ate, nor bothered to talk to me about anything other than occasional small talk. My dad left when I was 12 and took me and my sibling with him. I saw her a few times after but have been no contact for a very long time.

I've achieved a reasonable amount in spite of this (degree, financially stable, have a beautiful 2 yr old healthy and happy child) but am anxious and insecure with low self esteem and a tendency towards depression and negativity. I keep people at arms length and though I make friends very easily and have a large group of female friends I socialise with I can't say I have deep and meaningful friendships.

I feel like there's a black hole in my life. A feeling of complete emptiness. I wish I had a lovely mum in my life. I feel so low and worthless the way things are. My own mum didn't love me so how can I be lovable?

It's affecting my relationship with my husband massively. We're very disconnected from each other at the moment. I don't know how to move forward or improve things. I find it impossible to be loving towards him, which I don't understand as I'm incredibly loving, kind and patient to my toddler. She gets the best of me.

I seem to have several Borderline Personality Traits which I've read isn't unusual as a result of this type of upbringing.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Can anyone shed any light on how I can 'fix' things in order to have a happy and fulfilling life?

I have a distant relationship with my mum. She left when I was 12 but up until then both my parents were a bit neglectful of us (common perhaps in the 70's?) which is alien to how we tend to over parent these days.

Counselling will help, and determination to be a better parent to your LO. Please be open with your husband though, you'll need his support.

It sounds to me like you need to grieve. Part of that is accepting that your childhood was shit, and should have been better, but you can't do anything about that now and you need to move forwards to make a better life for yourself.

I never had a healthy relationship with my mum. She never really looked after us or made us feel loved. My parents never separated but I left when I was 16.

As Pinkje said you should definitely try counselling if you feel that so many of your problems come from this issue it will help to talk to a professional someone who can help you understand why you are feeling that way.

I know it's not much help but what most of all helped me is to accept that my mum was actually a shitty person it's not my loss she didn't love me but hers

Thanks for the responses. I know counselling is probably necessary but have tried numerous different people over the years and never lasted more than a couple of sessions.

Pinkje - determination to be a better parent to my LO has been key to the past 2 years but even that's making me feel terrible at the moment. She's in that difficult 2 yr old stage where she needs a little discipline and a few boundaries set but I'm absolutely terrible at it through fear of upsetting her or in case she feels unloved!

I have been open with my husband but he's a man of few words and unfortunately doesn't seem to want to know about anything that isn't cheerful. He says that life is short and we should only look at the positives. He doesn't want to be brought down by my problems or negativity. That does make me feel unsupported but I can see his point.

Cailindana - I know, you're right. Most of the time I do think like that and plod on, still able to see all the many great things about life. Just sometimes, like today, I can't help but wishing things were different. I wish I was a confident, secure, happy woman with a good marriage but I'm not and that makes me sad.

please don't be sad...
I was the same, except in my file it records my mother saying/writing/ that she didn't even want to be pregnant with me.

but, after beating myself with that proverbial stick for decades, well into my 40's--wantingwishing-I had a mum, ----eventually I learned to love myself-you will too, once you accept what you can't change the past, but can change the present and future.

what relationship does dh have with his parents?
it's always an ache in my life, but you will learn to accept that was the card you were dealt, very sad, but live and love, and put you mother in a compartment at the back of your mind.
I was envious of friends who had a dm, maybe you feel that envy too?

Just be determined that the cycle of neglect ends with you.
look at yourself in the mirror, and smile, love for today and tomorrow, leave the loss behind, as it will never be yours to have.

it happened to me, with disastrous consequences, so please, deal with your loss,lock the sadness away,and take the next step in your life.

I read something on here about reparenting yourself, there are some books about this on amazon. And you're not alone in this position, in case that helps

I think you need to grieve for the mother you never had or will have. Just let it all out, cry, and feel the pain. I think nitvis cathartic to let all the pain out till it's left you completely. In some way it would be easier for you if your mother was dead. At least you can rationalise it. Some women were never meant to be mothers. You have to let that ideal go. Be the mother and wife that the family before you - your parents - never had. You are a survivor.

I would try and think of ways to cope. Think that the environment you are in, the home, right now is where you are safe. You are no where near your mother, and therefore, she can't hurt you. Think of the present more than the past and I'm sure, in time, you can train yourself to happiness. Fake it till you make it.

She's in that difficult 2 yr old stage where she needs a little discipline and a few boundaries set but I'm absolutely terrible at it through fear of upsetting her or in case she feels unloved

Samesh, your DD is more likely to feel unloved if you don't set her boundaries. She will feel loved through discipline in equal measure to affection.

If you are anything like me, that was the big 'gap' I felt by not having a mother from the age of 5, although my granny did a wonderful job of being like a mother to me.

My mother's mother died during my mum's childbirth and my mother never got over not having a mum. She is now 77 and still grieves. Her mother was a twin and the twin completely rejected my mother whose birthday was never recognised as a day of celebration: she was always told it was a day of death.

I found something online years ago to send to my mum about girls without mums but I can't find it again now.

I actually think my mother suffered later in life as opposed to earlier. She became very depressed and drink dependant in her 40s and it has continued until now. She still brings it up. She had no mummy (her words). It has wreaked havoc on all our lives.

I can imagine that the 'rejection' (I use the word carefully) would be just as bad, if not worse.

I think counselling and talking is the only way through it.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It is lovely that you have your own DD you are pouring love into. She loves you. You are very very important to her, probably her whole world. That may not fill the gap but that is such a great thing and you are so lucky to have each other.

I am sending you amazingly big and comforting hugs.

Do go for counselling. You need the in-depth, takes years stuff, but you'll have to work your way through the system. Start as soon as possible, the waiting lists are horrendous.

Existing is enough. You don't need to do more than that to be valuable and worthy of love.

My mum was like yours, but only some of the time. She hated me though, and was spiteful always.

I have nothing to add to the wise words above, except that "degree, financially stable, have a beautiful 2 yr old healthy and happy child" are not "reasonable achievements", but major ones. Well done!

I think that it's good you have identified that void - I know for many years I didn't (perhaps haven't) acknowledged how hard it was to not have a mum and how much that affected me. So I think you are starting from a great point in Acknowledging the root of the problem.

You're not harming your daughter when you set her boundaries - you're making her safe, sociable, and a prepared for the world as a independent being :) she will learn to be unhappy briefly and not get everything she wants and that will hold her in good stead. Even though it sounds corny, discipline is a gift! Discipline isn't a punishment - it's just correcting a Behaviour, not saying yor Daughter herself is bad. Boundaries are no biggie - try not to make them emotional acts - they're just practical things a child needs to be taught. My friends kid acts very spoilt as a result of not wanting to see her unhappy. Though I guess better slightly spoilt than neglected and she is wonderful in innumerable other ways & nobody is perfect.

I'm sorry you feel a void. It's comforting to know other people feel that too. Your DH doesn't sound helpful - are there friends who are more helpful? Siblings??

Well done on getting where you are today . You should be proud of yourself, you're stopping a potential cycle of neglect by being a lovely mum to your daughter!

Do you feel you are a perfectionist or over achiever by the way?

You sound like you've got through a lot of the hard bits in life / childhood; degree; job; DH; child - perhaps it's time to just breathe And relax and look at it all and say Wow! I achieved that! I am brilliant. Lots of treats and happiness is what you deserve - can you give yourself and your family that? Focus on that future of happiness you have , your mum is your difficult past. And perhaps you'll make friends or meet people in your life who will fill the hole a little.

De-lurked for this. My mother died when I was 13 years old back in 1960. I was devastated at the time, but it hit me even harder when I became a Mum myself. The huge sense of loss and grief I felt was immense. I was so very overprotective of my daughter and spent a lot of the time thinking "what if". I was highly anxious

This book helped me a lot "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman you can buy it from Amazon.. It might make you cry but for me it was quite cathartic to read about so many other women who lost their Mums when they were young children. Sending love to you and PLEASE buy this book - it is not only about losing a Mum through death and I am sure you will see yourself in the pages.

it's very important that you seek counselling. you are probably finding that things peter out because you are not able, yet, to form a trusting bond with a therapist, and you feel more empty when you start out with a new therapist (since you sense how little trust you have), so you can't find the energy to continue, it feels too draining.

but you must persevere. a therapeutic relationship, when it develops well, can be your first real experience of being properly parented. you can learn to trust, open up, etc.

you likely chose your DH because he is emotionally distant and you knew on some level that he would never challenge you to be emotionally intimate (and therefore emotionally trusting). that worked for you when you were younger but now you find that you actually DO need to deal with things, talk, be close/trusting with someone.

all the more reason to establish that first really emotionally open/trusting relationship with a therapist.

i advise you to look for a therapist who has trauma counselling and abuse survivor counselling experience. not just a run of the mill "oh i feel a bit low so i should talk to someone" type person. you need someone who understands the trust/intimacy issues of a survivor and can support you in accessing your feelings/learning to trust.

MANY survivors like you find they need to build a therapeutic relationship over a year or two before they learn enough trust to really start healing. it's a long haul but it works when you work at it.

my mother and father were very similar to how you describe your mum. it's very hard. one of my children is your child's age and i so understand what you're talking about. it is SO important that you find someone to talk to freely with.

My mother was abusive in a very different way to yours, in a way that took me quite a long time to recognise as abuse, and my experience is that there is something fundamental lacking. I have been in therapy a couple of years now and it is an incredibly tough journey - have suffered some losses over those years which have exacerbated things - which I am not yet near to completing; and I have to say that the pain remains - but I am beginning to gain a sense that it will be worth it. I echo thestamp about the value of a proper, trusting, robust therapeutic relationship. Whereabouts (very roughly) do you live?