Practical advice about divorce, please?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Hi,

I've had a google but am confused.

Looking at the government site, it says there are 5 grounds for divorce, one of which is desertion. Under 'desertion' as a heading it has various options including that your husband or wife has left you in order to end the relationship. www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

That looks really simple, but when I googled more it said this is a very rarely-used option and it's much commoner to wait two years then file! Er ... really?!

What is the best way forward? Neither of us thinks the other has been particularly unreasonable, and we're loath to go down that route.

My exH and I went down the unreasonable behaviour route although things weren't particularly unreasonable. We wanted the divorce sorted out as simply as possible. In the end, I was the Petitioner but he already knew what was going on the form so was happy with being prewarned. It was a means to an ends.

Oh, we could do that, I'd just like to know if there's another option. Part of the issue is that his mother doesn't speak the language well, and I hate to think of her finding it's that as it's honestly not, you know?

If you want the divorce done quickly you must choose unreasonable behaviour or adultery.

If you don't, then you must wait two years for a non-contested (no fault) divorce. If one of you contests, you must wait five years.

Most people, once they've agreed that divorce is the way forward, go for unreasonable behaviour - although it is theoretically an 'adversarial' route, in that one person blames the others and defines them as utterly unliveable with (if such a phrase exists).

However, you can agree to do this between yourselves - solicitors will help you come up with six reasons (they don't have to be particularly bad) and the other can approve the draft before it is submitted to court. Whoever petitions can pay the court costs, so there's a balance in the bad news (the other taking the ego hit).

Wikivorce has quite a bit about it.

Any reasons given remain private between you, any solicitors you use and the court. The aren't made known to the world and his wife.

It's a shame really. It should be possible to end a marriage peacefully without making it adversarial. It is possible for grown ups to decide that they want to go their seperate ways without acrimony.

Ah, ok, thanks.

I was confused by the way they set it out - it looked as if there were alternatives to the two year wait.

Do we absolutely need solicitors for the 'unreasonable behaviour' bit?

I will check wikivorce, thank you.

No, you don't need solicitors. And you don't have to tear each other apart with awful reasons. Google will help, but they thing isn't the behaviour so much as you saying that you therefore find it intolerable. Seriously - people put things like "he doesn't do his share of the washing up". Courts aren't in the business of forcing people to stay together.

I know you're posting for practical advice, and you sound amicable about it. But - I'm sorry you're going through it. It can be a positive move - but still it's not what one sets out wanting.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, it's not that I haven't googled, I'm just not taking it all in quite. I'm so very grateful for the advice - it really helps. And thank you very much for being so kind!

You do need a solicitor if there are children or assets involved :)

No children - we have a small amount of savings, but that is all. No house or anything - it's just money in the current account.

The definitely don't go with solicitors - do it yourselves.

Six reasons can be:

He spends all of his time on x hobby and ignores me.
He uses all the hot water in the morning, leaving me with a cold shower.
He snores and as such I haven't slept for years.

They really don't have to be that bad. Judges tend to tick the process through - and it is up to the judge on the day, occasionally they will refuse a petition and force couples down the two year way. But it is rare from what I've read.

I have two friends who've sorted the whole divorce themselves, without a solicitor. If you go to your local court you will be able to get the papers that you both need to sign and file. Apparently the court clerks are really helpful and will help you with making sure the form is properly filled in etc.

well - thank you, this is so helpful!

loletta - OMG, DH is clearly in there!

DH is lovely but we've not had sex since about February and we've had sex about twelve times in our whole marriage, and I feel this should count, though I don't know if it does?

before - I cross posted with you, but thanks, that is really useful.

Yes - lack of sex is a reason.

Can I recommend Family Law Made Simple by Slater and Gordon to explain the process. It's well written and shows you the process.

Good luck.

I just googled this - keep reading down the list of grounds for unreasonable behaviour and they get fairly palatable for the amicable divorce.

www.justdivorce.co.uk/unreasonable-behaviour

I think the desertion list is cumulative (ie they have to do all the list) not just one of them

Thanks, well, that's brilliant.

I must admit, I am finding this quite creepy! I notice you can claim adultery ... but only if it's with a member of the opposite sex?! Not that either of us has, so far as I know, but that seems a bit homophobic, surely? And lack of sex being a reason seems creepy to me too.

Cross posted.

carol - ah, that makes sense, thanks!