Are some people just not cut out for relationships?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Me foe example. After a terribly abusive start to my romantic life I have struggled ever since. Every time I get close to someone I get anxious. When my anxiety pushes them away I get devastated. Some people on here think I'm desperate but actually when I'm over the latest trauma I feel much more happy and at piece alone and not looking.
I do feel sad that I probably won't experience the deep love and connection that some couples share but neither am I being abused or heartbroken. I've no idea if this is tragic but that's the way it is.

I don't think that many of my exes were cut out for relationships either mind!

You've answered your own dilemma. You know you're happier on your own than in a state of anxiety within a relationship. You also know the men you pick aren't interested in a meaningful relationship with you.

My guess is that when you feel happy, you're more confident in yourself and so you think that next time will be different, you'll handle it better, you'll pick better, you won't go for the same 'type' etc. But as soon as you're in it……

I think everyone is capable of making a connection with another person. If you can make a friend, you are cut out for a relationship. I think where a lot of people come unstuck is that even the word 'relationship' is shorthand for this BIG THING heaving with impossibly high expectations on the one hand and massive fears what happens if it goes wrong on the other. Makes things more difficult than they could be but doesn't mean they're not cut out for relationships at all.

I am good at making friends but then some of my friends have taken the piss recently so am distancing myself. I love living alone with dd tbh but woul like to try it with the right chap in the future.

Could you try friendship with a chap you like then? See how it goes hanging out as friends? Decent men would do that, let things just develop naturally rather than with the expectation that a 'relationship' is on the cards.

I'm doing what Freudian suggests and it's worked so far. Like you I have flitted from one relationship to another without having a deep connection. I have DS and I'm friends with their father. I met a new chap online 6 months ago, a widower, and we have started off as good friends. Neither of us were ready for anything too serious to begin with but our friendship has developed to the point we really value what we have.
Maybe try not to delve in too quickly, keep your social life with girlfriends and family too. Good luck.

I agree with Freudian. A friendship that develops naturally into a romance is a lovely thing and will probably last quite a long time. If you want more things that come with high, anxiety-making expectations you can add 'date' and 'the one' to the list. So try not to think about finding 'the right chap', just keep making friends.

"I do feel sad that I probably won't experience the deep love and connection that some couples share"

Deep love and connecting is like the holy grail of relationships. Some of the best relationships do seem to be the ones where the couple are actually friends and like each other.

Male friendships have been the bane of my lovelife! Definitely doesn't work for everyone!

I have a lovely male friend. Am meeting him tomorrow in fact. I've known him for about 17 years and in no way have my romantic feelings grown for him. I couldn't think of anything worse than getting in the sack or even kissing him. Just yuck! He likes me though but I don't feel the same way.

Obviously not all friendships develop into romances! :) But the bigger the circle of friends you have - all genders - the more likely you're going to eventually bump up against someone who has potential. Girlfriends have male friends, brothers, etc. The more chance you to get to know people in a relaxed setting where you're all being your real selves, the less stressful and anxious the whole thing is. Which is the opposite of 'dating' which is quite an artificial set-up if you think about it. Big expectations of sex hanging in the air from the moment you meet, huge lists of 'rules' about who calls/texts whom and how long to leave it after you've first met and whether to take your profile down from the website or change your FB status.... it's a bloody minefield.

I feel for you OP, as I am in a similar boat. After a 12-year abusive marriage, my insecurities are in the driver's seat when I am in a relationship, preventing any deep connection taking root, and when they collapse I feel relief. And yet I still long for close connection with a romantic partner...

Like you, I also choose partners who are just as tentative and insecure, and also longing for close connection but not quite able to provide it themselves, either!

I don't know what the answer is. At the moment I'm using a series of hypnnotherapy tapes on overcoming insecurity in relationships, accepting imperfections in others and in yourself, reconnecting with your "gut" under the mass of insecurities.... It's only been around 10 days so I can't say if it's the magic answer, but basically I know that I need to find some way to quiet down my insecurities and get in touch my "real" self before I can make any kind of healthy romantic decisions.

Good luck to you!

i too am in a similar position. fled dv 2 + 1/2 years ago and have not come close to having a relationship since. which in a lot of ways im quite happy with and its been a great oportunity to connect with myself and grow in confidence. i did have a fling with someone but completely scared him off as i let my insecurities take over again. so when i met a man around 2 months ago i was determined i wouldnt make a mess of it - the result has been i was so scared to even kiss him nothing has ended up happening! on the other hand, he does appear to want to be friends so who knows! i do.think some people struggle with relationships but if you put in enough work through counselling etc it can be possible to change!

cog - wise words as always , the pressure of dating is ridicuous these days, and cant be doing much.for people's self esteem. we now live in an instantaneous world where even relationships are expected to.follow suit!

I'm similar to you in many ways, superstar. I know I actually am 'good at relationships' and, these days, am feeling the lack of any really close connections of any sort. But ... ! My parents modelled a nightmarish marriage, I've had too many abusive relationships of my own, and I've done the therapy. The chances of meeting anyone who meets what I need from a relationship, while appreciating what I have to offer, are slim to none. And I'd rather muddle along on my own than make the kind of compromises people do make (especially women) for the sake of being in a couple.

You know how there's always someone to put you down with "Your standards are too high"? Well, now mine are

get in touch my "real" self before I can make any kind of healthy romantic decisions

This is it, I think. I'm 100% behind the idea that you need a really good relationship with yourself before you consider sharing yourself with another. To be honest, I'm still some way off that. Ironically, I used to think I had that sorted, but my relationships showed all too clearly that I hadn't. It's uncomfortable to admit that my abusers actually reflected the way I felt about myself.

I also had a bad example of marriage played out in front of me by mother and step father, and an emotionally abusive marriage. Relationships since have been short term only [3-6 years], and the break ups too painful.

Relationships are not for me....too high expectations [probably from both parties], disappointments, not being able to relax, trust issues and too much compromising and anxiety. I do not do 24/7, 365 days a years with anyone [apart from raising children], year in year out. Too confining and makes me panic.

Like lots of time to myself and my own space. Friends/family only.