How much is 'normal'?

[GaleWeathers]

I know people say it's normal to look at other people when youre in a relationship and that it's just human nature, but how much is too much?

I really do love my DP of several years but every now and again I get a crush on someone else, most recently someone I work with. I feel like a teenager when I'm around her, make up excuses to work more closely with her, get butterflies when I see her and feel elated when she compliments me. I often think about her in a sexual way and even in just a simple way like going on a date, having a kiss etc.

She doesn't know I feel this way and I would never dream of acting on it but sometimes the feelings I have about her feel so intense I feel incredibly guilty. DP and I have a fantastic relationship, there is nothing missing or wrongwith us so I am confused as to why I get these feelings, is it normal?

Crushes are pretty normal. Just because you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean you stop appreciating other people's qualities. IME the crush is usually in inverse proportion to the level of intimacy, affection and interest in your regular relationship. What you're describing sounds particularly vivid, your attention is obviously diverted and you're dangerously close to Emotional Affair territory. Are you sure the relationship with DP is 'fantastic' or are you a bit of a rut?

Our relationship is very good, which just makes me feel even worse. I feel like I want to have my cake and eat it too. Have a wonderful relationship with DP and then still have the other woman desire me and have a connection with her, which just makes me incredibly selfish doesn't it?

If there is any problem between DP and I it is that I do not feel desired by him very often and he does not initiate sex with me regularly. Don't know if I'm adding that in so I feel like I have some form of excuse for my behaviour.

bump

So in reality it's not that wonderful a relationship if you don't feel desired. Be honest with yourself. As the saying goes 'nature abhors a vacuum' and if you're lacking physical affection at home then you'll find a way to feel stroked elsewhere, even if you don't do anything about it.. I did notice that DP is male and the crush object is female. Either you're gay, bi or you're straight and thrill-seeking.

Has it more to do the newness of the acquaintanceship and the novelty of being around someone stimulating?

It's possible to be attracted to a new person we hit it off with simply because we admire them and they possess skills or qualities we'd like to have.

In this case when you wrote

I feel like I want to have my cake and eat it too. Have a wonderful relationship with DP and then still have the other woman desire me and have a connection with her

that made me think it's not really about her, it could be anyone - I agree with Cogito, it's more about what you feel you're lacking, ie sufficient attention from DP.

The relationship is wonderful in the sense that he is endlessly kind and loving, we have been through a lot together and have come out stronger, we never argue (occasionally have 'discussions' but never rows) and generally get on fantastically. His desire for me is not what I have been used to in the past with other partners but that is just who he is. I don't think it is to do with me. In an ideal world he would give me more attention sexually but nothings ever perfect is it?

Either you're gay, bi or you're straight and thrill-seeking.
I am bi and have been in relationships with both men and women before DP.

that made me think it's not really about her, it could be anyone
It is like that. She is just the 'flavour of the month' if you will. I go through phases of fancying different people. But it really irritates me. I don't want to feel this way but don't know what the answer is? DP's attitude will not change and I don't want to leave. Is this something most people feel/go through and just get over it?

Tbh it sounds like a ticking time bomb, you will eventually meet someone who not only spots but reciprocates what you feel.

I don't most people do go through it to the extent you're describing, no. Everyone can appreciate a pretty face and fantasise from time to time but if you 'go through phases' and they're this intense on a regular enough basis to be worried about it, I really think there is something missing from your long term relationship and no amount of rationalising it as 'ideal world' stuff is successfully covering up your real feelings

it really irritates me. I don't want to feel this way

Then you must do something to change things, don't sit there passively.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Okay - just a thought - would you explain to your DP that you have these feelings, but don't plan to pursue them. At the moment you carry this guilt/pleasure at having such a secret.

I think you need to talk to your partner. If he is as loving and understanding as you say, I think you need to be honest with him that his lack of physical desire for you is causing a problem. Without wishing to be indelicate, what is 'ideal world' for you and what is the reality that you live with?

When my crush for the woman at work first started I told DP and we laughed it off. It felt better that it wasn't some guilty little secret. But now, oh I don't know.

When I think about women I can almost justify it to myself as I think well they offer things DP can't (sexually) so it is natural to miss female relationships but then I think about men too, and there is no excuse for that.

In the last couple of days I have been thinking about a bloke (Guy X) I used to be very close with. We had a really weird relationship but the last time we met (shortly before I met DP) we said we always thought we would end up together, after it almost happening several times. Well he is in a happy relationship now but I have been thinking maybe if I met him and we slept together I would feel better/sense of relief/get it out of my system.

It is 95% fantasy but there is 5% of me wanting to actually get back in touch. Then I get back in to the real world and remember DP and realise how lucky I am and how stupid I am of even thinking of doing such a thing. I would never, ever want to hurt DP so why would I even contemplate this scenario?

I think there is a bit too much of me loving attention/desire no matter what it's source, that is my real problem. Guy X cheated (french kiss only) on a previous ex with me and I was thinking it would feel so good if he wanted me so much that he would cheat on his current GF with me now. That's sick inst it?

Writing this all down makes me feel/look absolutely terrible. Perhaps I am. I hate feeling like this. All I want to do is be committed to DP and content with him without my mind wandering.

Please do not be cruel. I have been incredibly candid and open as I need advice and guidance in avoiding getting into a horrible situation.

If you love attention you have to be with someone who gives you plenty of it.

You are being very candid here. It's not something you can necessarily blurt out to rl friends.

A bit of fantasy is no big deal as long as it's fleeting and only occasional. Dwelling on new people to the extent you do, but especially wondering about former lovers, risky.

Dp didn't bite your head off when you talked before and if a trusting person he may not have thought any more about this.

The ex you refer to - that vision of ending up with one another - yes such things are said but it's like a face saving talisman to reassure ourselves there is no ill-will and if both were free later on, the door would not be slammed shut in our faces etc.

You say yourself it wasn't the ideal relationship so presumably only daydream about specific things you crave.

If those things are what you don't get from DP that tells you something. And with the female you're attracted to at work your pulse might be racing but it's all fantasy.