Feel hurt, rejected and need your perspective

[gemdrop84]

Don't know if Im overreacting so need your perspective. Been together 8 years, 2 dc. Having sex once a week, sometimes twice. I would like it more and Dh jokingly saying he's getting on now so needs a good rest between sessions so happy with what we are doing or so I thought.
Noticed Dh still has his old phone and keeps it by our bed. Ds got hold of it today whilst I was tidying our room, unlocked the screen- there was porn playing. Checked the history and this is from yesterday. Theres history from last week, a month and older, quite a bit of it.

Am I overreacting as I feel hurt, upset over this. I was in the house when he was looking at it yesterday! He put dd to bed and went in the bedroom. I thought nothing to it so went downstairs, cleaned up. He looked quite shifty when I came upstairs then decided to go for a run.
Also the other day we hadn't had sex for over a week, we had a couple of hours to ourselves. He drew the blinds in the bedroom, dropped his trousers then said do you fancy a bit.
There is not much anticipation from him anymore so I've been struggling to get in the mood and the last few weeks I've really struggled to finish.
I didn't feel like sex at all this week as I felt like something is off between us but couldn't put my finger on it.
Im going to talk about it tonight with him and going with the following points- I don't want him to look at it if Im in the house, unless Im asleep. I need him to make a bit more of an effort, tell me he wants me etc before he takes his pants off. I want to feel wanted.
Does this sound ok? Spent some of today in tears and now I just want to talk to him, it's really got to me

I don't want him to look at it if Im in the house, unless Im asleep.

Are you comfortable with him looking at it at all?

You have expressed you would like more sex - he doesn't. And yet he's looking at porn while you're in the house. I'm not surprised you feel hurt.

Nice of him to leave around for your child to find, too.

I know, I don't mind the idea of him sorting himself out at all even with a bit of porn, I do it as Id like more sex but understand he doesn't. But for him to do that, whilst Im downstairs makes me feel so hurt. And yeah, very mad at him for leaving it lying around, but now I know why he keeps it there. He's just text me asking how my day is.

I'm not sure I understand why him doing it while you're asleep is any better?

Are you clear on exactly what it is that is bothering you and why so that you can best get your view across?

You would like more action whereas he puts you off, then secretly watches porn. It's a lazy way of getting off. Then at his convenience expects you to be ready and willing.

Sounds as if he just wants a quick fix and none of the work that goes into a proper sexual relationship?

I bet it has nothing to do with you, your appeal or desirability but it's affecting you and will affect your marriage, whether he realises it or not.

Do talk to him.

No Im not sure at all, it's all going through my head at the moment. Think I would ideally like him to stop looking at it all together and put that energy into our sex life.

I've text him back to say Im not ok and we need to talk. appreciate anymore advice on how I broach this as it has really knocked my confidence.

You tell him that you're concerned that the closeness, affection and intimacy (not the sex) has been going out of your relationship. Dropping his trousers and saying 'how about it' is a massive turn-off. You've been making allowances and accepting his explanations but now you find he's jacking off to porn left right and centre. Whilst you have no objections to him masturbating, it's now a problem because what he's doing is obviously getting in the way of him having an intimate relationship with you. What's he going to do about it?

Personally I would start with:

"Our son found porn on your phone."

I don't know how old your son is but I presume from your original post he is under 8. That is quite alarming.

I think you would be reasonable to say something along the lines of:

"I am hurt that you have been doing this and doing this with the knowledge that I am unhappy with our sex life. I would like it to stop."

And see what he says. Be prepared for him to get defensive - "all men do it, men are visual, it's completely normal" blah blah.

It isn't true and you don't have to put up with it.

And what cogito says.

Thanks to both of you, that sums it up. Our son is 18months and has a thing at the moment of picking up mobiles or remotes and playing with screen or buttons.

Also, I don't want to be alarmist, but he was looking at porn and then went for a run. Is he an established runner or is this a new thing?

What I mean to say is, is he actually going for a run? Is he running alone?

I have to admit this is projection on my part - shameful past

I do find the idea of a wank followed by a run a bit odd. It's not the sort of 'warm up' I would do.

Hope things are ok, OP?

Sounds like a serious and frank conversation is needed. I hope you can get things sorted out op. Some good advice on the thread already.

He is a runner, took up running a year ago but hasn't done any in a while due to work etc and he's wanting to get into it again, so I don't have any concerns there. He asked me if I was ok, I said no and we'd talk later as was in middle of tea. He's out at the moment so will talk when he gets back. He did say it was inappropriate for ds to see it but was looking at me blankly when I glared at him. Oh and he denied he looked at it yesterday. Doesn't matter though, if it wasn't yesterday it was the day before or the day before that and we hadn't had sex for about 9 days before that so it's still crap!